Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Fuck You, Infertility

Happy Wednesday, everyone!
Sorry for the lack of posts lately... these last couple weeks are totally new territory for me and I'm not really sure how to handle everything. 

First, let me say- I know that most of you who read this are struggling with infertility too. I know how difficult it is to hear about someone else getting pregnant. I hope that most of you will continue reading, but I understand if some of you don't. I pray for you all every night. I hope every one of you gets your little miracle very soon.

We all know infertility fucks with you... completely changes the way you think, the way you act. I'm so excited for this pregnancy, but I'm so incredibly worried about every step of it, despite my efforts to just enjoy it. First it was having a positive beta, then having it double, then having it continue to rise, then is the pregnancy in the right place, finding a heartbeat, getting out of the first trimester, etc. It seems too good to be true.
We've already told our parents the good news. Since we've been open about our struggles and our treatments, they knew we were getting the results soon and we couldn't keep it secret for too long. Luckily, we were able to still surprise them. Since my birthday was on the 18th, we invited all the family over on the Sunday before and made the announcement. It was really awesome. My mom cried, my grandma cried, Patrick's mom cried... I cried. Everyone was so excited.
Buuuut.... after everyone left, Patrick apparently thought it was okay to tell everyone else... so he posted the announcement on Facebook. I was pissed.
Then, since he had put it on Facebook, his mom told his entire extended family. And my grandma told my entire extended family.
At this point, pissed was an understatement.
Don't they know its still too early? Don't they know how precarious everything is at this point? Don't they know how much can still go wrong?
This type of thinking is the result of four and a half years of infertility.
I don't want to think like this.
So I decided I won't be mad at Patrick for telling Facebook that I'm pregnant. I won't be upset that our entire family knows.
Patrick is so excited and I know he just wants to share it. He doesn't know about what could happen, so he doesn't worry about it.

Last Friday we had our first ultrasound. Even though I had an appointment for an ultrasound with my OB for the following Tuesday, anxiety got the better of me, and I made an appointment for an U/S with my fertility clinic here in Houston. I was 5 weeks exactly so I didn't expect to hear a heartbeat, but I just wanted to make sure everything was were it was suppose to be.
It was!

There was a second sac, but it was much smaller than this one. The tech said it could go either way, but she didn't even measure it, so we figured she wasn't expecting it to make it. Beta that day came back at 3321, so my doubling time had slowed to about 43 hours, which is awesome, but it made me wonder if the other had in fact stopped growing.

Yesterday was my appointment with the OB. Patrick had the day off since our closing on the house was scheduled for that afternoon (YAY! Finally!!!). Good thing we had the time because my OB was running 45 minutes behind! Luckily, we didn't have to wait that long for the ultrasound, though, and they called us back after about 10 minutes. This is what we saw almost immediately:

In only four days, the one little sac had caught up to the other one! We are having twins!!

It was still too early to see a heartbeat, which worried Patrick, and I have to go back again next week to confirm heartbeats, but everything is looking great so far!
I really feel better knowing that they are still growing.
I'm still anxious about seeing the heartbeats next week because I know that its a HUGE milestone. Once we reach that point, the doctor said chance of miscarriage falls dramatically.
So until then, I have to remind myself not to let my "infertility brain" get the better of me. I am still staying away from Dr. Google. I will not look up statistics, or worse-case-scenarios. I will not think about the what-ifs. I will not be angry at anyone for sharing our news.
I have faith that everything will work out.

Thank You, God, for giving us these precious miracles. Please keep my babies strong, healthy, and growing inside my uterus for the next nine months.


  1. Congratulations....I hope the two of them stick around for the long haul!! Wishing you the happiest and healthiest of pregnancies!

  2. PS I was starting to get worried when you hadn't posted in a while...I'm glad everything is OK!

  3. Congrats! I am so incredibly happy for you!! Praying those twinkies continue to grow strong!!!