Thursday, December 22, 2011


Big fat negative.

There's nothing more to say.

Please, God, give me strength. I really need it.

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Damn This Thing Called Infertility

As I have been watching my trigger tests get lighter and lighter, hoping... PRAYING, that they darken back up, I have come to a realization that makes me very sad. I might not have children.
I know, I know, chances are small that I'll NEVER have kids, but chances are fairly high that it won't be any time soon. And...
What if I don't ever get pregnant?
It is a question that has been surfacing more frequently lately. I had such high hopes for this cycle... I mean, everything was perfect!! But here I am at 12DPO, getting negative pregnancy tests and feeling like AF is imminent. So I'm forced to ask myself, "What if I don't  ever get pregnant?"
Over the past few years, and especially over this last year, I have pretty much begun defining myself by my desire to be a mom. So many things that I have wanted to do, that Patrick and I have wanted to do together, have been put on hold because "what if we get pregnant?" Our quest for a baby has eclipsed everything else. NOTHING is as important as becoming parents. But now I worry that we have given up too much. Invested too much.
When we started seeing the RE, I told myself that I drew the line at IVF. I didn't want to do anything that invasive, and besides that, it is wayyyyyy too expensive. I told myself that we would do three cycles of injectables, then we would take a break. Well, its looking like cycle 2 is a bust so now I find myself trying to find ways to get IVF. "If I do three egg donation cycles, we can afford one cycle of IVF!" "If we do a shared cycle, I can donate half of the eggs they retrieve and our cost will be minimal... for IVF"
Reality is, we can't afford it. Our insurance covers nothing of infertility and there is no way to swing it that would make it feasible for us. These three cycles of injectables nearly did us in. If this doesn't work, we are on our own.
Yes, there is a chance we will conceive naturally, but with one tube and only about 4 cycles a year, its unlikely at best.
So back to the question, "What if I don't ever get pregnant?" I cry as I write this because it hurts to much to think about. It has the potential to destroy me. Every failed cycle hurts more, breaks me down more. Having to give up, knowing that it could take us years on our own, if it ever happens... I'll be ruined emotionally.
Everything in my life has been a set up, a decision made with the consideration of having children. Our house is in a nice neighborhood with good schools. Our dogs are suppose to be good family dogs. All our furniture can be cleaned or easily replaced. We even picked out stain-proof, child-proof carpet when we re-did the house! Hell, I have chosen a path in my career where I can have more flexibility for a family over being more successful and making more money. I have a life built around children... with no children.
I feel like such a failure. Its probably PMS talking but I am so devastated. I won't be able to do this much longer, this desperate hope that gets crushed so viciously each month. If we decide to take a break, I don't think I'd be able to live with a chance of "maybe". I would have to go back on birth control... take my life back and redefine everything. We have been in such a state of limbo, waiting to get pregnant, and I can't do that forever.
I just want this so much. My heart aches to be a mommy. My life will never truly be complete until then... but it feels sooooo empty now that a child is so glaringly missing from this picture of our life.

Oh, God, please give me strength.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Working on a Christmas Miracle

So I know I haven't written in a while... holiday craziness, working, Dr. appointments, and house stuff has kept me away. This cycle has been another screwy one.
After my week of birth control, my cyst was still there but my hormones were back to baseline so my RE let me start the Follistim... at 50IU. I was very disappointed. After four days of stims I went in for my first checkup and I had two 8-9mm follies on my right side, and one 8mm on my left. The cyst appeared to be gone, but my E2 had shot up from 28 to 350, so the Dr lowered my dose slightly. Two days later, I had FOUR follies between 8-12mm on my right, two 8mm on my left, and the cyst was back at 18mm... E2 down to 348, so he kept me at the lower dose. Two days later, I had two 10mm and one 13mm follies on the right, one 8.5mm on the left, cyst seemed much smaller, E2 179. They raised my dose for the weekend to the highest I've taken yet, hoping that the little ones would catch up to the bigger. Yesterday, I had two at 7.5, one at 10, and one at 16mm on the right, one at 12mm on the left that they are thinking is that cyst popping back up, and my E2 has shot up to 717, so they kept my dose the same, and wanted my to come back this morning. My poor, bruised veins! Well, this morning the lead follie on the right is up to 17.5mm and all those other little ones are gone. My left side has all of a sudden blossomed with a bunch of small ones... the tech measured like 4 or 5 that were between 7-10mm, and that 12mm possible cyst is still there and at the same size.
I don't know what is going on with my body. With the exception of that lead follicle (thank goodness its on the good side this month) any promising follie that has popped up has been gone by the next appointment. Even my cyst has come and gone. Crazy ovaries!
I'm trying to stay positive and remind myself that "it only takes one" but I can't help but be a little upset. The injectables are SO much more expensive and I was getting one follicle with the Femara that was only costing me a couple dollars in co-pay! I really feel like it was the drop in my dose that caused all the other follicles to fall behind and not be able to catch up, because prior to that, all my follies had been really close in size.
Oh well. My lining is excellent, I'm going to ovulate from the right side, and I'm going to think positive thoughts!
Right now I'm waiting to hear whether I get to trigger tonight, or whether the RE wants me to do one more night of stims and go back tomorrow. I'm assuming I'll get to trigger since there is nothing else close to being ready. If I trigger tonight or tomorrow, I'll ovulate Thursday or Friday, meaning I can reliably test a few days before Christmas. It would be SO WONDERFUL to get my BFP for Christmas!!!! That would also put my due date at the very end of August, just a couple weeks before my birthday. A double whammy present... pregnancy for Christmas, baby for my birthday! Oh, I hope it happens!

Please, God, let this be the cycle that makes me a mom!

Edit- just heard from the RE's office... E2 is up to 818, RE thinks there might be a 12mm follie "hiding" behind my dominant one on the right. He is very positive about this cycle (YAY!), wants me to do one more night of stims and go back tomorrow (boooo) and probably trigger Thursday AM (YAY!) Grow, hiding follie, GROW!!!