Fuck You, Infertility

Happy Wednesday, everyone!

Sorry for the lack of posts lately... these last couple weeks are totally new territory for me and I'm not really sure how to handle everything. 

First, let me say- I know that most of you who read this are struggling with infertility too. I know how difficult it is to hear about someone else getting pregnant. I hope that most of you will continue reading, but I understand if some of you don't. I pray for you all every night. I hope every one of you gets your little miracle very soon.

We all know infertility fucks with you... completely changes the way you think, the way you act. I'm so excited for this pregnancy, but I'm so incredibly worried about every step of it, despite my efforts to just enjoy it. First it was having a positive beta, then having it double, then having it continue to rise, then is the pregnancy in the right place, finding a heartbeat, getting out of the first trimester, etc. It seems too good to be true.

We've already told our parents the good news. Since we've been open about our struggles and our treatments, they knew we were getting the results soon and we couldn't keep it secret for too long. Luckily, we were able to still surprise them. Since my birthday was on the 18th, we invited all the family over on the Sunday before and made the announcement. It was really awesome. My mom cried, my grandma cried, Patrick's mom cried... I cried. Everyone was so excited.
Buuuut.... after everyone left, Patrick apparently thought it was okay to tell everyone else... so he posted the announcement on Facebook. I was pissed.
Then, since he had put it on Facebook, his mom told his entire extended family. And my grandma told my entire extended family.
At this point, pissed was an understatement.
Don't they know its still too early? Don't they know how precarious everything is at this point? Don't they know how much can still go wrong?
......
This type of thinking is the result of four and a half years of infertility.
I don't want to think like this.
So I decided I won't be mad at Patrick for telling Facebook that I'm pregnant. I won't be upset that our entire family knows.
Patrick is so excited and I know he just wants to share it. He doesn't know about what could happen, so he doesn't worry about it.

Last Friday we had our first ultrasound. Even though I had an appointment for an ultrasound with my OB for the following Tuesday, anxiety got the better of me, and I made an appointment for an U/S with my fertility clinic here in Houston. I was 5 weeks exactly so I didn't expect to hear a heartbeat, but I just wanted to make sure everything was were it was suppose to be.
It was!

There was a second sac, but it was much smaller than this one. The tech said it could go either way, but she didn't even measure it, so we figured she wasn't expecting it to make it. Beta that day came back at 3321, so my doubling time had slowed to about 43 hours, which is awesome, but it made me wonder if the other had in fact stopped growing.

Yesterday was my appointment with the OB. Patrick had the day off since our closing on the house was scheduled for that afternoon (YAY! Finally!!!). Good thing we had the time because my OB was running 45 minutes behind! Luckily, we didn't have to wait that long for the ultrasound, though, and they called us back after about 10 minutes. This is what we saw almost immediately:

In only four days, the one little sac had caught up to the other one! We are having twins!!

It was still too early to see a heartbeat, which worried Patrick, and I have to go back again next week to confirm heartbeats, but everything is looking great so far!
I really feel better knowing that they are still growing.
I'm still anxious about seeing the heartbeats next week because I know that its a HUGE milestone. Once we reach that point, the doctor said chance of miscarriage falls dramatically.
So until then, I have to remind myself not to let my "infertility brain" get the better of me. I am still staying away from Dr. Google. I will not look up statistics, or worse-case-scenarios. I will not think about the what-ifs. I will not be angry at anyone for sharing our news.
I have faith that everything will work out.

Thank You, God, for giving us these precious miracles. Please keep my babies strong, healthy, and growing inside my uterus for the next nine months.

Preggo

Day 14- 9dp5dt
Goal- to get a positive beta
Met?- yes
Mood- all over the place
Symptoms- more nauseous, tired... but having trouble sleeping, headache, heartburn, burpy
POAS?- yes
Report- yesterday I started feeling nauseous, today it's worse. My blood sugar can be screwy, and I get really nauseous when it gets low, so I'm not wanting to call this morning sickness just yet, but today I went for my second beta and it was 221! It quadrupled! I'm wondering if the quick (super fast) rise is what's contributing to my symptoms.
I was a bit worried that a 24hr doubling time might be too fast (I'm refraining from allowing myself to google molar pregnancies) but the doctor is thrilled with my numbers and thinks I might have more than one growing in there. He wants me to get an ultrasound late next week/ early the following week, once my numbers get over 1500, to make sure everything is where it should be. It will probably be too early to see much, but I'm really excited!
Since I've been driving from Houston to Dallas for the study, he is allowing me to start going to my OB/Gyn here instead of making the drive up to Dallas. I'm assuming they'll want to see me at least one more time before I'm officially released, but I'm glad they're making it easy on me.

Our parents all know we're doing IVF/FET, so we will be announcing the good news to our family this weekend at my "birthday" celebration. I'd like to wait until the ultrasound when everything won't be so uncertain, but everyone is starting to ask if we know yet and I HATE lying about it... Especially to my mom.

We're going to have a lot going on next week!!

Thank You, God, for giving us this amazing gift. Please keep my babies strong and growing in my uterus for the next nine months. 
Please give us strength next week and let everything work out with our house.

Crazy

Day 13- 8dp5dt

Goal- to not obsess

Met?- not so much

Mood- okayish

Symptoms- headache, tired, nauseous, some brownish spotting, heartburn

POAS?- yes

Report- I don't know why I try to kid myself. Not obsess? Me? Yeah.Friggin.Right. It's what I do! I should have learned by now that when I try to shut away the crazy it just busts the door down and comes rushing out in an all consuming tidal wave of psychoness. But if I put in a mental doggy door, the crazy has to squeeze out a little at a time and the flow is controlled. 

So I've allowed myself to test twice a day... With FMU and in the afternoon when I get home. It's comforting to me to see the progression and it's been amazing how quickly my tests have gotten DARK! I've found that my afternoon tests are usually much darker than my morning tests. 

And I do check and recheck them about a million times a day. It's no big deal when I'm home alone, but when Patrick comes home I have to make up reasons to go upstairs at random times. I'm crazy, I know.

The only thing I've done good not stressing over is spotting. I noticed a bit of old blood spotting on the TP last night, and it's been sporadic through the day today, but I know it's normal, could be from implantation, and unless it picks up, I'm not worried.

My second beta is tomorrow so I'm praying for a good doubling time. When I finally spoke to the nurse yesterday she originally said I didn't need another beta until Tuesday (WHAAAAT?!) but she called today and said I could go tomorrow.

Also, totally off topic, but do not EVER EVER EVER go through Wells Fargo to buy a house! It has been an absolute nightmare. We rented the house from the sellers when the bank delayed closing by a month a week before the contract was up, after a 45 day closing period. We rented so that we could move when we had anticipated and so the sellers wouldn't pull the contract.

Three days before the second closing date, the bank told us closing was going to cost $5000 more than they told us, so we had to delay for another two weeks until Patrick got his bonus. 

Now, we are suppose to close on Monday and the lady from the bank called today to tell us there are more "conditions" that need to be met, and we need to give them bank statements to show we have the money to close. Um, helllllloooo! We don't have the money... That's why we delayed. We will have the money after midnight tomorrow, but that's not going to show on the bank statements!

Uggg! 

Please pray for us that it works out. I don't think the sellers will extend again... We put the offer in at the end of May!!!

Thank You, God, for the amazing blessing You have given us. Please keep my babies strong and growing in my uterus for the next nine months.

Please, please God, let everything work out with the bank so we can close on this hou

Beta

Day 12- 7dp5dt
Goal- no forums or FertilityFriend today
Met?- so far, so good
Mood- good, but irritable
Symptoms- yes... still tired, slight cramps, heartburn, nauseous... well, just a generally unhappy tummy
POAS?- yes
Report- Beta day today! My beta is at 56.4! Not too shabby for 12dpo. I go back Friday to re-check and I'm praying for a good doubling time.
That's all for now... I'm trying to limit my online time today so I'm not tempted to Google, BetaBase, etc., but I'll have more later.

Thank You, God, for this amazing blessing. Please keep my babies strong and growing inside my uterus.

Change

Day 11- 6dp5dt
Goal- to change something today
Met?- yes
Mood- great
Symptoms- hellacous heartburn, still tired, hungry
POAS?- yes
Report- Two things changed today. The first is not a big deal... I changed my beta appointment from Friday to tomorrow... the second is much more significant.
I actually feel pregnant. Not in the symptomy, nauseous type of way, but in the "I am actually pregnant" type of way.
It has taken so long to get here, I've been very guarded and I don't think I actually accepted what those two lines really mean until this afternoon. It just didn't feel like it was really happening to me.
I'm still worried that something could happen... and probably will continue to be worried... but I am determined to enjoy this time.

Thank you, everyone for the congrats and support. It really means a lot to me. I pray for each and every one of you as well.

Now, as requested, some test pictures!

I didn't post these yesterday because my FMU tests were so faint I didn't think they would even show up on the pictures. Isn't the digi beautiful? No questioning that result!
Seeing that word pop up on that test was the moment that changed how I was feeling. I actually gasped and said to myself, "I am pregnant."
When I showed it to Patrick he said, "Well, I guess its official now, huh?"

My first beta is tomorrow at 10am. I'm praying for a good, strong number.

Thank You, God, for this amazing blessing! Please keep my babies strong and growing inside my uterus for the next nine months.

Manly Monday- A Quick Rundown on Patrick

I've been following Stupid Stork's blog and love her idea of Manly Monday.... Giving little insights into our marriage and husbands... So I'm excited to join in.

Patrick... 

How do I begin describing him? 

He is exactly my opposite in nearly every way. He is the out-going, loud, party-loving, jock type I never expected to get along with so well. He mades me laugh every single day.

We met when I was 18 and he was 22. We both worked at Macaroni Grill (I was a hostess, he was a waiter/bartender) and he was always making me laugh. He flirted with me and asked me out a few times, and though I was interested, I was weary because he was a typical frat boy and I didn't want to just be a piece of ass to him. So when we finally did hang out, and he tried to kiss me, I straight-up turned my face and snubbed him! You would think he'd give up after that, but he didn't. The next time he just got me drunk and the rest is history!

Patrick has voices that he does for the dogs. Each dog has its own voice... Foxy is a southern belle, the puppies are British because he couldn't figure out how to do the Australian accent for our Australian shepards, and my sister's 150 pound white lab has a smooth talking black guy voice that refers to himself as "White Chocolate". 

It is so hilarious when he talks for the dogs! He will literally make me laugh until I cry.

Patrick is also a STAUNCH Republican. You want to get my man fired up? Talk politics. 

My husband cannot remember what happened five minutes ago, but he knows and remembers where nearly every football player went to college, their stats, and sometimes where they went to high school! He can quote movie lines all day, and knows the names of actors and actresses and what they've been in. When we go to a restaurant, he ALWAYS remembers the waiter/waitresses name. 

The best way to Patricks heart, is through his ego. He is as vain and image conscious as most women. Once, we were in a hurry and he came out to ask me how a pair of jeans looked on him. He had lost some weight and was between his "skinny" clothes and his "heavy" clothes and the jeans were from the "skinny" closet... so they were a bit tight. I knew that if I said anything negative it would be a while before we got out of the house so I told him, "They make your package look good."

He wore those jeans every chance he got!

If I want to get my way, I compliment how big his muscles are, or how sexy he looks in a particular shirt. Now, I love how big his muscles are and he is positively yummy in certain shirts... But I try not to stroke his ego all the time because his head would get so big it might explode.

Despite how "manly" my man tries to be, he SUCKS at doing anything handy. I would not allow him the hang Christmas lights for two years because we didn't have health insurance. I still do not allow power saws at the house without my dad's supervision. I came home one day and he was so excited that he had fixed one of our drawer fronts that had fallen off in the kitchen. When I walked in, that drawer was so friggin crooked, but he was so proud of his work. 

My 6'3", 240 pound husband is absolutely terrified of bugs... especially spiders. He will not even get close enough to spray them with bug spray and shrieks when he sees one. 

Speaking of shrieking... we play a game called "Danger!". It's simple... We try to scare each other, but instead of yelling "boo!" we yell "danger!" because when you hear danger, you automatically think danger, and it makes it that much scarier. My favorite place to get Patrick is in the shower. I sneak in, rip the shower curtain open, and yell "danger!!!" then laugh my ass off when Patrick curls into himself, lifts his leg to protect his delicate man-junk, puts his hands up, and shrieks!

He is still trying to get me back for that one.

There's so much more, but I'll get more into it for our next Manly Monday. Hope you guys have a better idea of the man taking this journey with me.

Thank You, God, for my wonderful husband!

POAS

Day 10- 5dp5dt

Goal- to not test before today

Met?- yes

Mood- great

Symptoms- heartburn, tired, bit of cramping

POAS?- yes

Report- last night I dreamed about testing all night. When I woke up, though, I was really nervous to actually do it. I wasn't ready to see a negative test. To give up the wonderful feeling of possibility! I nearly chickened out... I wanted to chicken out. 

In the end, the pull of the pee stick was too much. I caved. 

I peed and dipped one of my numerous Wondfos. I have about 75 of these suckers... 25 from a supposed "bad batch" and 50 replacements the company sent me for free. I also have 2 FRER for beta day. 

Anyone who has ever taken a Wondfo knows that while the test is "developing" it is pretty much unreadable- pink and streaky and not worth watching. So I dipped and came downstairs to let the dogs out. I knew 5dpt is still really early and that my chances of a positive were still pretty low. I was actually half wishing I hadn't tested yet. 

I let the dogs back in and headed upstairs, mentally prepping myself for only one line. 

But there wasn't one line... There were two! 

The test line was faint, but definitely there and I could see it before I even picked the test up! I couldn't believe it! I dipped another test... from the different batch... and ran back downstairs to grab a test I had gotten from the REs office to dip as well. 

Eeep! They all have lines!!

I cannot believe this. It's totally surreal right now.

I know it's still early and anything can happen, but I am so happy right now and I have faith that everything will happen as it should.

This is just so amazing.

Thank You, God, for this amazing miracle You are giving us. Please keep my babies strong and growing in my uterus for the next nine months.

New

Day 9- 4dp5dt
Goal- to do/try three new things
Met?- somewhat
Mood- good
Symptoms- very tired, a few slight cramps, slight nausea, hungry
POAS?- no
Want to?- yes!
Report- what a coincidence that this is my goal today. This morning, in church, we began a new worship series. With the series comes a daily prayer/devotional booklet. The exciting thing is that Patrick has agreed to follow and participate in the daily devotionals in the booklet! He struggles with religion, so this is a huge step! The devotionals started today, so it is New Thing #1.
New Thing #2 is a bit of a cop-out. I really wanted to try a new recipe or ingredient today, but I have been so tired I couldn't gather the energy to be creative or adventurous. My mom told me about a simple, good marinade for pork chops- its literally just salt, pepper, soy sauce, and olive oil- so I tried it for the first time today. I know it doesn't sound like anything special, but it's really good on the grill, and I hadn't used it before so I guess it counts.
New Thing #3 I'm also really excited about! Mom and I had our first Sewing Sunday! She got me a sewing machine months ago and we have been meaning to start sewing lessons but just haven't gotten around to it. Today was my first lesson. Mom is altering a wedding dress for a lady she works with, so she couldn't give me a really in-depth lesson, but she showed me how to thread the machine, how to work the pedal and the reverse, explained what the knobs did, then handed me some scrap fabric for me to test the different stitches on. I played around with each setting and stitch and she explained what stitch to use for what type of garment/fabric and why. After that she had me practice hemming/seaming so I could get a feel for how to feed the machine and keep it a straight line, and then I practiced how to do button holes... So simple a concept, so fun to do!... For me at least.
All in all I'm proud of my accomplishments today.

I've also been having, what I consider (hope) to be, a weird pregnancy sign.
First, some back-story. Before Patrick and I moved in together I lived by myself and decided to get a dog to keep me company. I ended up with Foxy, a 5 pound Pomeranian made of attitude, fluff, and apparently steel. Foxy has earned the nickname "daredevil dog" because she has fallen off a one story balcony onto a stone porch only to scratch her lip, has nearly been run over by numerous golf carts because she loves the golfers and won't get off the path, run headlong into a puddle that was deeper than she was tall, eaten an entire milk chocolate Easter bunny (she probably had help), set her ass hair ablaze by jumping onto a table and running past a lit candle, and picked a fight with a 150 pound dog that got too close. Nobody fucks with Foxy!
Foxy and Rudy always got along great because he wouldn't mess with her, but when we got the puppies they really overwhelmed her. After everything Foxy has done to herself, her only health issue is having bad knees, which is due to a genetic/breeding thing and she's had them all her life. When the puppies came they wanted to play with her, but they were too rough and really aggravated her knee problems. So, after years of trying to steal Foxy from me, my mom took Foxy, who couldn't be happier!
Back to my original point. Foxy loves me and is always excited when I come over, but she has always been OBSESSED with my mom. The two are pretty much joined at the hip. But for the past two days, Foxy will not leave my side! She has been cuddling and on my lap every chance she gets. And she has to curl up right against me. Even my mom said, "she's obsessed with you. It's like she wants to protect those babies."
I know it probably sounds a bit hokey, but it is my first "sign" that I can't blame on the progesterone or discount as someone saying something because they know what's going on.
So I think I might just go ahead and test tomorrow. I'm nervous, and I may just chicken out, but I'm hopeful.
Wish me luck!

Please, God, keep my babies strong and growing in my uterus.

Neighbor

Day 8- 3dp5dt
Goal- to have our neighbor over for dinner
Met?- yes
Mood- good... but irritable
Symptoms- tired, cramps, random hot flashes, somewhat irritable
POAS?- no
Want to?- kind of
Report- I know, I know, I didn't post yesterday... But I'll do two today to make up for it.
I actually had a pretty full day yesterday. It was really nice and it took my mind off testing (which is getting more difficult to deny). My mom and I had made plans to get up early and go the the little farmers market by us to get some good, fresh food for dinner that night. The market is only open on Saturdays from 8-12 so we wanted to get there before 9.
I get my non-morning person ways from my mom, so I wasn't really surprised when she called me at 9:30, just as I was waking up, to tell me she had just gotten up as well. Needless to say, we got there at 11 and there wasn't much left. We did manage to get some nice squashes, some farm-fresh eggs, and some fresh bread, but I wish we had gotten there earlier. We went to HEB for the other things we needed and headed to my mom's house to marinate the steaks, watch a chick flick, and start the prep for dinner. Why not go to my house, you ask? Because it was Saturday... which means college football... which means Notre Dame... which means Patrick is a raving lunatic who cannot be reasoned with, shouldn't be disturbed, and will not do anything besides watch football. So to my mom's house we went.
Now, about my goal for today. Before Patrick and I moved into our current house it was vacant for a few months. The lady next door, Barbara, was keeping an eye on it and I met her the first time our realtor showed me the house because the realtor was having some trouble with the Supra box and Barbara came over to let us in. I liked her immediately.
After we put the offer in on the house, she let us in to show our parents because both our realtor and the listing agent were on vacation. She was really excited that we were buying the house and asked if we had children. I told her not yet, but hopefully soon, and she promptly informed me that she would be adopting them as grandkids and would be spoiling them since she isn't ever going to have grandkids of her own to spoil.
No questions. No advise. No sympathetic looks, or "look at it this way" statements. She was just excited for us... Complete strangers. Excited and hopeful. I liked her even more.
When we moved in to the house, the first morning there we woke up and found a card from her on the back door welcoming us to the neighborhood, telling us to call if we need anything, and offering to cook us dinner one night! How sweet is that?!
We found out from our other neighbors a few days later that Barbara's son died in a car accident two years ago. They told us she also has a daughter but that she doesn't see too often. They told us that Barbara takes care of everyone on the street, she's always there when you need her, and that she has really been struggling since her son died. (We also learned that Patrick and I have apparently been the gossip of the block and, since we are the youngest couple on the block by nearly 30 years, everyone is excited for us to start a family so there can be kids on the street again!)
So when Barb made us King's Ranch chicken, amazing red velvet cheesecake, and brought us a bottle of Cul-de-Sac wine (because we're part of the Cul-de-sac now!) I promised myself that I would do something nice for her and that we would include her whenever we could.
Yesterday we invited her to come have dinner with us and my parents and grandma (we invited Patrick's parents but they couldn't make it). We all had a really good time eating, drinking wine (I had sweet tea), and chatting. I'm super glad I had the chance to include her and I'm so thankful for all the wonderful people we have in our lives. I'll happily make Barb an honorary grandma!
I'm excited about how many people are excited about our baby! Our little baby/babies are going to have so many people who care about, spoil, and treasure them.

Thank You, God, for the amazing people You have placed in our life. Bless them all and be with them. 

Symptoms

Day 7- 2dp5dt

Goal- to not have to switch to Endometrin 3x a day

Met?- so far

Mood- good

Symptoms- crampy, lots of twinges, headache, tired

POAS?- no

Want to?- getting there

Report- I've decided to stay on the 2ml PIO for the time being. It's been going pretty good with minimal soreness. My nurse told me I could switch to the 1" needles so when I refilled my PIO perscription I had them send me some shorter needles, which I've been using for the past two nights. I must say... I think I prefer the longer ones! The short needles feel like they put the oil too close to the surface. With the longer ones, my soreness is deeper, making it feel more dull. The short ones it hurts right under the skin and the pain is sharper, more stingy. I'll try them for two more days, see if I get better. At least I can move more upper and outer without hitting bone (I think I poked a bit deep a few nights ago... It was not pleasant... Hence the request for the shorter needles)

Aside from that, I have been analyzing... more like over-analyzing... my symptoms. My left side has been very active with cramps and twinges and pokes and pulling. Granted, this IS the sides that had the tube fused to the ovary, so it tends to be quite twingy usually, but I really think this feels different. Maybe.

My right side is more of a constant dull achey, crampy, periody feeling. I don't know what to make of it but I'm still holding on to the thought that it's the babies snuggling in!

I have also been incredibly tired! I have been in bed by 10pm every night this week. As I might have mentioned, I tend to be a night owl, so this behavior is not typical for me. Yes, it's likely the progesterone making me sleepy, but I like to think my body is just tired from accepting and beginning to grow the twins. ;)

As far as the headaches, I'm attributing those to being tired and the meds. 

It's funny the way our brains work sometimes. I've had a lot of twinges and sensations today, but yesterday my cramps were more of the dull, AF variety. Now, I know cramps are to be expected, are totally normal, and could be a good sign, but a small part of me still worried that I was getting my period. It's the same part of my brain that yells "oh no, my embies!" when I sneeze and that told me not to go pee after my transfer, even though my bladder felt ready to explode. The logical part of me knows my embies won't "fall out" and that there is nothing to can do to force or push them out, but that small part still says, "they were outside of you, now they're inside of you, and they can still come back out."

I think most of us who have dealt with infertility have these thoughts and fears. It's the "infertile" part of our brains that tell us these crazy things. Because having dealt with so much disappointment and heartache, having been through so much pain, all we know is worst-case-scenario. The only thing we can do about out infertility brain is not listen to it. Not indulge in its craziness. Sometimes it's hard to quiet that fatalistic little voice, but I'm sure as hell going to do my best.

Oh goodness, it's past 11! No wonder my brain is so foggy... It's LATE!

Thank You, God, for continuing to bless us. Please keep my embryos strong and snuggled into my uterus and give me peace and strength in the weeks to come, no matter what.

Hope

Day 6- 1dp5dt

Goal- to be happy/hopeful for this cycle

Met?- yes

Mood- great

Symptoms- crampy

POAS?- no

Want to?- not really

Report- I'm happy today. Totally, incomparably happy. I have so much hope and excitement for this cycle! I know that I might regret it next Friday if we get bad news, but for now I like thinking that it's going to work. This is the furthest we've gotten! 

I also got news today that my third little embie made it to the freeze. That makes 6 little tot-cicles waiting for us... How great is that? 

This is the most at-ease I've felt with our fertility journey in the entire four years and half years that we've been trying. 

God is good.

Thank You, God, for continuing to bless us. Please keep my embryos strong and snuggled into my uterus.

PUPO!!!

Day 5

Goal- to have transfer today

Met?- yes!!

Mood- amazing!

Symptoms- headache, tired, some slight cramps that I like to think are the embies snuggling in

POAS?- no

Want to?- ...yes

Report- as you may have deduced from my plural use of "embies" above... We are PUPO with TWINS!!! Eeeeep! Here is the first official photo of our future babies

The doctor said he was very happy with our little embies and that he would even be happy only transferring one, but once I saw the pictures of these two I just had to have them both back. Aaaaaand, the embryologist said we have one more that could be frozen tomorrow! God has really blessed us immensely!

Now that I actually have a chance of being pregnant, I'm already getting the urge to test (crazy, I know) and already looking for excuses to ignore my goal of waiting. Ugh... Damn addictive pee sticks! It's going to be a long nine days.

For now I'm lounging on the couch... With my legs propped up (anything to help)... Cuddling with the dogs, and getting excited over cramps. Patrick has already come over once to rub my belly and I've caught him staring at me with a dreamy smile on his face. It's so effin sweet! We are both extremely excited!!

Thank You, God, for Your great gifts and endless blessings. Please help my babies snuggle into my uterus and stay for nine healthy months.

PIO

Day 4

Goal: to be able to sleep on my side with no knots from the PIO

Met?: ....eh...

Mood: chipper

Symptoms: bit tired

POAS?: no

Want to?: no

Report: Fitting that my goal/post today is about PIO. I've been doing the shots myself for the past few days with no incidents and (somewhat) less pain. Last night though, I had a blond moment.

It's been helping to sit on the heating pad for a few minutes before the shot and to put the vial of PIO on the pad with me to warm. But it takes a while to prepare the shot, change the needles, prep my tush, and find the right spot, so last night I decided I was going to be "efficient".

I grabbed the IM instruction sheet and diagram, a sharpie, dropped trou, and made Patrick circle the area for me. Then I drew up the oil, changed the needle, and went to sit on the heating pad with my loaded syringe. All this happened without incident.

I waited for my bum to get nice and warm before heading to the half bath for my shot. I prepped the area (smearing all the sharpie lines... Permanent marker my foot), uncapped the needle, pulled the skin taut, stuck the needle in, slowly began pushing the plunger... And notice the huge air bubble I had forgotten to get rid of.

So I had to stick myself again. 

I couldn't believe it. I didn't even tell Patrick because I know exactly what his response is going to be. He is going to close his eyes and shake his head in utter exasperation, then say, "This is why you should let me give you the shots."

Don't get me wrong, I've said before that Patrick is great at giving the shots and I meant it, but doing them myself has helped my anxiety towards them. And like I said, since I'm watching and not tensing when the needle goes in, I haven't been as sore.

So as far as having met my goal... Eh. I am still able to walk with little to no pain and I have been able to sleep on my sides, though it does hurt a bit. It's not nearly as bad as last time, but I am very tender. My whole butt feels bruised and it's painful to sit or cross my legs. There are no knots, which is a good thing. We'll see how this continues.

Buuuuut... Transfer is tomorrow!!!!!! It's a bit surreal that it's here and everything has gone so well. I haven't heard from the clinic today... Which I'm taking as a good sign... But I really wish I knew how my babies are doing. I'm going to have a hard time sleeping tonight!

Please, God, keep my embryos strong and growing.

Blessings

Day 3

Goal: to have 75% of my embies still growing today

Met?: yes!

Mood: great

Symptoms: slight headache, phlegmy

POAS?: no

Want to?: no

Report: God is really blessing us! The embryologist called a while ago and said that ALL FIVE of our embies are still growing and looking awesome! The three front runners from yesterday are "perfect" 8cells today, all grade 1 (the highest grade for our clinic... They grade 1-5), we have one 7cell grade 2, and a 6cell grade 3. I'm so over-the-moon excited at this point! 

He confirmed that we made the right decision yesterday to wait, and officially scheduled my transfer for noon on Wednesday! They are leaving the babies alone until then, meaning we will not get an update tomorrow or know what we have until transfer, so I'm praying really hard that our blessings continue.

Patrick couldn't get the day off on Wednesday, so my mom will be going with me instead. She is sooooo excited! She told me the other day, "I can't wait! I'm going to be there when the baby goes in, and I'll be there when it comes out!" I had thought she might be a bit weirded out by the process so to know that she is so excited and happy to get to go with me really made me happy. 

I can't believe it's only two more days until my little ones will be back with me!

Thank you, God, for your blessings. Please continue keeping my embies strong and growing.

Decisions

Day 2

Goal: not to hear from the clinic

Met?: no... 

Mood: okay

Symptoms: tired, achy body (hope I'm not getting sick!)

POAS?: no

Want to?: no

Report: when I talked to the embryologist yesterday he told me that I would not hear from him today as he would be leaving my embies alone until Monday. So you can imagine how my heart stopped when the clinic popped up on my caller ID today.

It was the embryologist and he told me that he had taken a peek at my embies today, after all. Of our 5 embies, 3 are looking perfect and are 4 cells, and two are a bit behind at only 2 cells, but they are all still alive and growing! Then he told me that, since they are from frozen eggs, he wasn't sure how they would fare over the next few days and that, if I wanted, we could transfer the 3 perfect embryos tomorrow or continue as planned and try to grow them to blasts.

I asked him what his recommendation was. He said that he really couldn't give me a recommendation because it could go either way at this point. He did say that transferring tomorrow would be the "aggressive" choice since the embies are all looking really good and by transferring all three I could very well end up pregnant with all three.

In the end, Patrick and I decided to stay the course and wait for Wednesday. I know my embies are strong this time and the thought of a triplet pregnancy terrifies me. I would love three babies, but I know how incredibly high risk a triplet pregnancy is and I don't want to get this far only to put myself and my babies at risk.

Plus, I recently read something from an RE that says whether an embryo is in the lab or back in the uterus it makes no difference in whether or not it will survive. He says that an embryo that doesn't make it in the lab would not have made it in the uterus. Whether that's true or not, it makes sense to me and, no matter what, I know my embies that make it to blast are the strongest ones. I want to be 100% confident that I'm doing what's best for me and my babies. 

This journey is such an emotional one, and there will always be questions of what-if, but I cannot allow my fears and emotions to cloud what I believe is best. Am I worried that nothing will make it? Yes. Am I concerned that my "back-up" blasts won't thaw if I need them? Yes. Am I anxious to have my babies back with me? Absolutely. But those things do not out-weigh the risks of being pregnant with three babies. Worst case for this cycle- we have nothing to transfer and I have to start over. Worst case if I end up pregnant with triplets- complications, bed rest, early labor... And worse things I don't even want to think about.

So when the embryologist called me back for a decision I told him we wanted to wait until Wednesday. 

Now I'm just hoping and praying that I have at least one (I'm praying hard for two) embryos to transfer. I have faith in my embabies. More importantly, I have faith in God. 

Please, God, keep my embryos strong and growing.

Numbers

Day 1

Goal: to have at least 9 eggs thaw, and at least 5 of 9 fertilize

Met?: yes!!

Mood: good

Symptoms: tired, crampy

POAS?: no

Want to?: no

Report: God heard my prayers and gave me what I asked for. Embryologist called to tell me that 9 eggs thawed, 5 of them fertilized, and all are looking really good! We are still set for day 5 transfer and he said to be on the safe side we should expect an 80% loss by then... Meaning we will only have one to transfer... But I'm really hoping for two. We had 62.5% of the fresh embies make it to blast, which would be 3 of 5, though I'm not counting on that many coming from the frozen eggs because they just don't do as well. Patrick and I have decided that if we end up with 3 or less to transfer, we want to transfer everything we have. If we have more than 3, we will transfer 2 and hope to refreeze the others. 

I'm so excited by how well things are going! God is good!

On a side note, Patrick went out with one of his good friends last night and had a few too many drinkies. I didn't feel comfortable having him jab me with a giant needle, so I sent his a$$ to bed and decided to do my PIO shot myself. Eep! 

I wanted to stall- I mean build up my nerves- but it was time and I couldn't wait. So I got my shot ready, swabbed the area, twisted around, and stuck. 

It didn't hurt! And it was easy! And it didn't hurt!! 

I think that by doing it myself, I'm watching, so I know when to expect the prick and I don't jump or tense like when somebody else does it. Patrick is really good at giving me shots, but I still tend to tense at the initial jab.

The best part is, since I didn't tense up, I'm not nearly as sore today as I usually am. I might actually be able to stay on the shots this time! We'll have to see what happens tonight, though, because last night I was turning toward my dominant hand so it was easy to reach, but tonight I'll be turning away so it'll be a bit of a stretch. At least I'll have Patrick as back-up.

Thank you, God, for all Your blessings. Please keep my embryos safe and allow them to stay strong and keep growing.