Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Crushed... Wait, I am crushed, right?

I'm in a very weird mood today. I went in this morning for my B/W U/S appointment and Patrick came along to sign consents for this cycle. I was pretty excited as two days ago I had 3-4 follicles on each ovary measuring between 5.3-7.5mm. I have also been feeling pretty... amorous lately, so I figured things were getting close to happening. ;)
Right away the tech said, "Oh, we have some activity in there!" I looked over excitedly, only to have my hopes dashed as I saw my left ovary (the cut tube is still attached and fluid-filled so its pretty recognizable) with a nice, big follicle. She measured it at about 17.5mm and said it looks ready to be triggered. I tried to tell myself that it could just be the part of the tube that wraps around that they always mistake for a cyst, but there was nothing else on that side, all the other follies were gone.
My response was a half-hearted, "Let's hope we have some activity on the right side, too."
She scanned over to the right side as I held my breath, praying.
Not even small ones.
All my pretty little follies went away. And then something strange happened... instead of the crushing disappointment that I would have expected, I felt nothing. Its like I just went numb.
The tech said she was sorry that it looked like this cycle was a bust and that they would talk to the doctor, look at my blood-work, and call me this afternoon with a "plan".
I just nodded as Patrick thanked her and she left.
I think Patrick was expecting me to be upset. I didn't say much as I got dressed and we left. As soon as we were out of the office Patrick started reassuring me that "at least we can try again, we always have next month." He kept it up until we got to the car but I didn't hear most of what he said, I was too... detached. Finally I replied lamely, "I'm just happy I don't have to be stuck with anything for two weeks." But the truth is, I'd happily be stuck, poked, and prodded daily for my entire pregnancy if that's what it took.
I'm still waiting for the sadness to come and it hasn't. I think I've reached a breaking point and, to save my sanity, my emotions have shut down. Today is also the first day that I could look at my pregnant suite-mate at work and not want to gag over how easily it happened for her and how flippant she has been with her pregnancy (she's known for a month and hasn't been to the doctor!). The other day I overheard her talking to someone about the possibility of miscarriage and she told them, "I'm not really worried about it. We got pregnant pretty easily this time so I'm sure we'll have no problem getting pregnant again if something happens." That day I fumed for hours over that statement, today barely a flicker of emotion, gone so fast I can't even name what I felt.
I'm just empty today.

God, please give me the strength to get through this.

Or maybe the emptiness is His way of helping hold me together so I don't crack wide open?

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