Sunday, October 16, 2011

This Ride Isn't Fun Anymore... I Think I Want Off

My last cycle reminds me of an M. Night Shyamalan movie... too many twists to result in anything good. After barely eeking in a BD (baby dance for those new to the TTC lingo) before I ovulated, I felt confident that we at least had a CHANCE to conceive that cycle. That chance flew out the window when 6DPO my temperature dropped... scratch that, plummeted, to the lowest number my chart has seen in two years.
My average pre-O temps range from 97.2-97.5ish, tending to pop up to 97.7-97.8 on O day, and creep up over the next few days to even out at the 98.2-98.5 range.
On 6DPO, my waking temperature was 97.05... and I was bleeding. Not enough so actually be AF, but more than spotting. Of course, my mind was desperately trying to hold on to hope of still getting preggo, so I tried to tell myself it might just be implantation... but I knew better. Stress had gotten the better of me and undoubtably sabotaged my cycle.
The 97.26 degree temp the next morning pretty much confirmed it, and I called in to the Dr.'s office to report my new cycle. My flow was strange, fluctuating between a light flow to slight spotting. I expected my hormones to be screwy on my BW/US the next morning.
Day 3 my temp was back down to 97.07, AF hadn't increased but hadn't stopped, so I headed to the office to see what my crazy body was up to. We had decided to do a cycle injectables this round, which I was very excited about, but the cost has me stressed and I definitely didn't want to spend that much money unless my cycle was ideal!
The girl at the desk asked me if we would be starting treatment that day. I laughingly told her that I had no friggin clue because my cycle wasn't suppose to be due for another week and I had no idea what my body was up to. Well, she must have mentioned this to the Dr. because after my blood was taken, instead of a nurse coming in to do my ultrasound, the doctor came in with an intern (I guess that's the right term) to see what's happening.
Long story, shorter: the follicle that released was still trying to be active, still visible on US, but my lining and blood work was back to normal day 3 levels. So I have been on two weeks of birth control pills (ARGH!) and going back on Tuesday to *fingers crossed* get rolling again.
I just don't know how much more of this I can take. I try really hard to be optimistic, but this is taking a toll on me. My body doesn't feel like its under my control anymore. I snap from being happy to sad to angry to excited to bitter and every emotion in between. Back in the day, if a woman couldn't get pregnant they called her "barren", and that is exactly how I have begun to feel... barren. This time that is suppose to be fun and a bonding experience for Patrick and I has turned into a roller coaster from hell and I think I'm reaching a point where I need to get off the ride. I am not this angry, bitter person. I'm usually the happy one!
I need to get back to that.
Hopefully Tuesday will bring a new outlook.

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