Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Two Weeks of Questioning, Over-Analyzing, and Obsessing... Let the Wait Begin!

Well, it seems I am officially in my two-week-wait... the dreaded 2WW! This is the worst part of the cycle for me. With no meds, RE appointments, or scheduled sexy-time to keep me busy, the two weeks of waiting before I can find out if I will get my elusive BFP should be a time for me to take it easy and recoup.
Not so much.
I am obsessive compulsive by nature. Not enough to be labeled OCD, though I definitely have tendencies, but I think most of us do. I also do not drink, I quit smoking four years ago, and I have given up my coffee habit to help with the TTC, so, having no-where to channel my compulsive energy, I can safely say...
*Standing up for dramatic effect* My name is Zui and I am addicted to charting... and everything else involved with TTC.
Every morning I take my temperature around the time my husband gets up. If it looks like I am expecting it to, I go back to bed. If it does not, I take it one more time (as I sometimes fall asleep while taking it and breathe through my mouth) before going back to sleep, and then again when I wake up an hour or so later.
If I have accepted my first temp, I will get up and enter it on FertilityFriend, along with all my symptoms/specific signs. Since it is still early, I play the "what do I think I am going to feel today" game, where I guess my symptoms based on twinges I feel within the first half hour of getting up. If I have not accepted my first temp, I now have a bit of a problem as I have three temperatures and only a spot for one. The first two are usually pretty close and the third is way different so now I play the "which one looks like it fits" game. The temp that I accept will depend on which side of me is dominant that day- if I am in a visually perfectionist mood, the one that looks best is going in, if I am in a logically perfectionist mood, the first temp I took will go in since I know that it is the right one. I do record all the temps and times they were taken in the Notes.
Now begins the fun part. I make my one allowed cup of coffee for the day and sip it while I spend the next 10-30 minutes staring at my chart, looking for possible answers to all the questions my symptoms and temps pose, as if they will rise out of my chart like some crazy magic-eye if I stare long enough. Since, obviously, no answers are forth-coming, I move on to phase two.
FertilityFriend's VIP membership gives you access to all sorts of nifty, obsession-feeding tools. My favorite of which is hands down the Pregnancy Monitor. This little addition has percentages... possible answers!! It tells you how often the symptoms I have entered/guessed for the day show up on pregnancy charts! So of course I now have to check and uncheck symptoms to see what I should be feeling to make it more likely that I'm pregnant.
Once that's done, I'm sometimes left with an odd symptom or occurrence that is on my chart but "unexplained" by the tools below my chart. When this happens, I move to phase three- searching the Chart Gallery for similar occurrences. This happens more once I get later in my wait, when the symptoms could actually be a sign of pregnancy. I need to know that what my body is doing is normal and that it doesn't mean my cycle is a bust.
Finally, it is time for breakfast and blogging! Well, usually its breakfast and forums but the other way sounds better. I log on to my frequented forums, check the threads that I usually haunt for updates, search for threads about any nagging questions that FF couldn't answer (there's usually a lot), then begin my postings. This is part of my day that helps me the most. The women on those forums are always amazing and there is something so bonding and healing about sharing with someone who understands what you are going through. I truly have become invested in what happens in their journeys. It is amazing that you begin to care so much about someone you have never met.
After my emotional pick-me-up, I go about my day. On days I work, if I have time once I get to the salon, I'll check in on my chart (like that magic-eye is going to appear in the different lighting of the salon), check in on the forums, and then begins the google searches. Every weird twinge or symptom, every temp dip, and every possible scenario that could come of something I'm feeling. I know most of the answers, I have been doing this for a long time, but I look it up anyways. My addiction must be fed. Usually the day does not allow too much time for obsessing.
Once I get home its more of the same. I see how many of symptoms I guessed correctly, removing or adding ones I missed. Then its a check-in with the forums, which I will continue to do sporadically for the rest of the evening.
As I get closer to my test day another items is added to my list of obsessions. Because I have forbidden myself from buying and taking any HPTs,  I have to satisfy my testing urge in another way. Again FF is my dealer with their test results/photos gallery being my drug of choice. If I am feeling particularly hopeful, the ultrasounds gallery is an added bonus.

The hardest thing is not knowing. The wondering if the symptoms I'm feeling is a side effect of the progesterone I'm on, or a pregnancy symptom. Questioning if the dip in temperature on 8DPO is because of implantation, or if I slept with my mouth open. Am I dizzy because I'm hungry or because its a pregnancy sign? Are my boobs bigger? Are my nipples darker? Did you smell that too? Am I nauseous or is it in my head? Are those period cramps? Does my tummy look bloated?
So many questions!!
I have told myself that I will not stress over this cycle because I ovulated from the wrong side and my chances of actually getting pregnant this cycle are so low, but I know I will obsess. I can't help myself. True, I have already written this cycle off as a bust, but what else am I suppose to do for the two weeks I wait for AF? I think my crazy obsession keeps me sane.
I think we all need to act a little crazy to stay sane sometimes.

Please, God, give me strength to face the next two weeks... and please let this work.

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