Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Can't Deny the Crazy

So after promising myself that I wouldn't get all wound up and crazy with this cycle, I ended up doing just that. Last Tuesday, at 8DPO, I woke up with a very strong sense of optimism. After reading through my regular forums, a hint of my testing craziness kicked in and I nearly ran to the store to get some tests, but I restrained myself. Well, as I was getting ready for my day, I was rummaging through my bathroom cabinet in search of something and stumbled upon an unused pregnancy test. Its a sign! my crazy brain shouted. I wanted to test right away but my logical side (if you can call it logical during the 2WW) reminded me that I was only 8DPO and that I should really wait to test the next day with FMU. Compromise reached.
The next day I was up as soon as my hubby left, peeing on that test stick. I was a bit disappointed when I opened it to find that it was a blue dye test, but I was an addict looking for my fix and anything would work at that point.
I watched as the test developed. Staring at the forming line.
...but wait, is that?... a second line? I lean closer, stare harder. There is something... maybe. I know blue dyes are notorious for evap lines and faulty tests. I stand in the bathroom for 10 minutes, turning the test, looking at it from different angles, looking at it close up, from arms length, until I convince myself that this is the start of something. I walk to the guest room, where we get morning sun to see it in better light.
The line disappears in the direct sunlight. :/ What?
Back in the bathroom, the line is back...
Needless to say, I went into full-on, obsessive testing CRAZY!
I immediately ordered 50 tests strips from Wondfo, even though I know there is a bad batch going around... I'll take my chances. I even got the 2-day priority shipping!
On the way home from work, I stopped at the dollar store and picked up two tests to hold me over until my strips came on Friday. I took one as soon as I got home. It was negative.
The next morning I tested with FMU. Again I convinced myself that there were two lines. I told myself that it wasn't my trigger. I told myself it didn't matter that it took a little while to show up. I told myself that it wasn't an evap.
I stared and analyzed those three tests all day. I would take them all out and look at them under different lighting. I would take pictures on my cell-phone to see if I could see anything in the close ups. It was bad.
Friday afternoon my Wondfos showed up... and they are from the bad batch. I took two immediately.... negative. Took another a few hours later... negative.
Saturday morning I took two more with FMU... positive!!! One was a real squinter, but the other one was definitely positive. I wanted to be excited, but knowing that they are part of the bad batch and because the two tests dipped in the same cup came up so differently, I refused to let myself get my hopes up.
Okay, I got my hopes up a little.
I refused to go pee all day at work. I stopped and bought some First Response Early Result tests on the way home. By the time I got home, I felt like my bladder would explode. I didn't want to waste the FRERs so I took three more Wondfo tests... negative. I told myself  it was okay, that I would use a FRER with FMU.
Sunday morning I woke up to AF at 13DPO.
I was disappointed, but I had known from the beginning my chances were slim at best this month. I also hadn't put much stock on those positive tests. More than anything I was just happy for the waiting and guessing game to be over.
Yesterday I went back to the RE for my baseline BW/US. The follie on my left ovary is now a nice little 30mm cyst. It is a very good possibility that it didn't even ovulate, which would explain my screwy chart. :/
I told the RE that I really want to be a good bit more aggressive this cycle. He agreed and said that they would start me at 75IU of Follistim instead of 50 and that our goal would be to have 2-3 mature follicles on my right side this time. He told me that he is very worried about me hyper-stimming because I have such an excellent ovarian reserve, but that he wouldn't be so conservative and that they would up my dosage if necessary. As for the cyst, he said that if it wasn't hormonally active, we would start the meds in spite of the cyst since we are trying to get follies on the right side anyways.
Well, B/W came back a bit elevated... E2@ 76.8, Lh@18.2... so the cyst is "slightly active" and the RE wanted me to start birth control instead. But only for a week (hopefully). He wants me to come back on Monday to see what's going on. He said the cyst doesn't have to be gone, just smaller and my hormones need to be back down to baseline levels.
I'm VERY excited for this cycle!!!! I have a good feeling and I'm really hoping for my Christmas BFP!
I felt very foolish for getting so caught up in my testing frenzy, but I really can't help myself. I'm just going to go with it this time around. Trying to deny myself the outlet of my anxiety just results in an eruption of crazy all at once. Also, Wondfo is acknowledging the bad batch and kindly sending me more tests, so now I will have just shy of a 100 pregnancy tests... I can't resist that type of temptation!! I'll use the bad batch to tests out my trigger and just to feed my addiction until I can reliably test for the real thing.
Fingers crossed for August twins!!! ;)

Please, God, keep me strong this cycle and bless me with a Christmas miracle... or two.

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