Let me preface this post by saying that I'm a Christian and my faith is very important to me. Regardless, I do not push my beliefs on others because I do not like when others try to push their beliefs on me. I strongly feel that we each have the right to believe whatever we see fit and nobody has the right to judge another for their faith, ideals, or views. With that said, I apologize in advance if I say anything that offends somebody. My views are my own, you can share them if you want, but you don't have to... I'll love ya anyways!
Over the years my faith has been through many stages and varying degrees of belief. These past few years have been tough and I've found that there is a lot of comfort to be found in faith. Sometimes the only way to handle a problem is to give it up to God. Nevertheless, I do have my moments when I question... When I ask "why" or "when"... And I've found that God does answer, in His own way.
I am not a morning person. I get up if I have to, but I have made sure our bed is a comfortable oasis of sleepy-time bliss, and I do not like to leave it in the morning. A few months ago, right as we were starting our house craziness and going through the FET nightmare, I was torn as to how to proceed. One Sunday I woke up and I was awake. I checked the clock and it was about 7:30, but I could not fall back asleep. Patrick, being the early riser he is, was already up, watching Sports Center, and he was pretty surprised when I came puttering out of the bedroom. I lounged on the couch, reading my forums as he started watching some political show. Then he got up to make us breakfast and coffee (such a great man!), and as he was in the kitchen the political show ended and Joel Osteen came on. I'm ashamed to say that it was pure laziness that kept me from changing the channel. (I don't have an issue with Joel Osteen, I just think those MEGA CHURCHES *insert announcer voice* try so hard to appeal to everyone that they have become too much of a show)
Anyways, on this Sunday, Joel preached about how, when we try to force things to happen the way we want them, we stray from the path God has laid for us and we leave His "anointed light". He said that when we leave that light, things in our lives don't go right because it is not what God has planned for us. This struck a nerve for me. I briefly mentioned in a post back in June that I felt for a long time that everything in my life was going wrong. I wrote that post soon after I saw that sermon. It was a turning point in my life. I truly felt like Joel was speaking to me directly... But it wasn't Joel Osteen, it was God speaking to me through that sermon. Joel went on to say that we need to live our lives for ourselves and for God. That we should not let the thoughts, actions, or words of others influence the decisions we make or the life we live. That sometimes we get so caught up in pleasing everyone else that the person most unhappy is us, because we have strayed from what God wants of us to what people want of us.
One thing he said really stuck with me. He said that sometimes others will try to justify their opinions as being "from God". His exact response to that was, "I speak to God as well. If that was what He wanted of me, He would have told me Himself."
It was literally a life-changing moment for me. I told myself right then that I would stop living for others, stop trying to force my life into the mold I wanted it, and to start living for God and allow my life to be what He wants it to be.
It's amazing what faith can do. I won't lie and say everything has been kittens and rainbows since then, but it has all worked out in the end, and it's been easier to deal with the rough stuff knowing that it will work out eventually. And I do know that it will work out. I may not know how or when, but I do know it will and it will be for the best.
Tomorrow I have my BW/US appointment to check my lining for FET. If everything looks good, I start progesterone shots the next day. On Friday, they will thaw my eggs and Patrick has to go in to give his sample, they'll ICSI the eggs, and my PIO dose will double. Then it's wait and pray and see how many make it to transfer on Wednesday. If we get crappy results we have "emergency reserves"- our 5 blasts from our fresh cycle!
Please pray for me this cycle. I have high hopes, though guarded, that this is our time, but I'm scared of a repeat of my May cycle. I want this so badly! I don't know what our next step will be if this doesn't work and that scares me, too, but I have faith.
Sorry if this post was all over the place! I think the Estrace is screwing with me... I'm an emotional, scatter-brained mess... But these things were on my heart today so I needed to voice them. Thanks for listening to my hormonal ramblings.
Please, God, let everything work out for this cycle and give me strength for these next few weeks.