Today is a bad day. The last few days have seen me descending into a pity party, and today I'm finally there. I'd like to blame the birth control pills, which have left me with near constant headaches, and though that's probably not helping, I know I only have myself to blame.
I have a lot of hope for our FET, but right now I'm in a kind of limbo that just kills me. So many people say that FET cycles are boring and boy are they right! It feels like nothing is happening and I NEED something to happen!! Next week, Tuesday, I get to go for BW/US to make sure my ovaries are nice and quiet so that I can start Lupron and hopefully I'll start feeling better then, knowing I'm getting closer. For right now I'm just a mopey, distant, uninterested mess.
Like I said, this is mainly my own doing. My sister-in-law had her baby last week, and I really am happy for them. The problem is, I'm really jealous! I have been stalking her blog and Facebook for pictures of the baby, only to get depressed and envious because I want that so badly for us. I hate feeling that way, which only makes me feel worse, and I know that I should just stop, but its like I can't help myself.
To add insult to injury, I watch any pregnancy/baby related show I can find. A Baby Story, Make Room for Multiples (a favorite), and Baby's First Day use to bring me such joy. I love seeing the looks on the parents' faces when they first meet their babies! They would cry happy tears, and I would cry happy tears for them, dreaming and hoping for the day that Patrick and I get to experience that. Now, I just sigh wistfully, almost bitterly, thinking, "If only I could have that." And I am ashamed to admit that I watch 16 and Pregnant. It is probably one of the worst shows to watch when you are struggling with infertility because the only thing that comes to mind is, "Why them and not me?" I watch them coast along, not caring, with their thoughts of "perfect" families and easy lives, until they have the baby and it changes to complaining, mooching off anyone that is willing to help, and breaking up with their baby-daddies because the "man" they got pregnant with isn't stepping up (what a surprise!) and they have to actually take care of the baby... *GASP*!
I don't know why I do this to myself. I shouldn't watch those shows. It makes me feel like a horrible person that I become so bitter at times, and so jealous. I am not this person. Sometimes it just feels so unobtainable. It feels like I'm reaching for something that is always just beyond my grasp. For every step we take to get closer to having a baby, something comes to push it further away from us.
I know we're close now... closer than we have ever been!... but I still feel like its out of reach. Maybe its because we don't have a date set for the transfer yet, and I don't have a calendar that I can look at and count down the days. Maybe I am just mopey from the birth control. Maybe I've been trying too hard to appear positive to everyone and my negativity has just fought its way to the surface. Maybe its a phase. Maybe its all of the above.
I don't do good when I don't have a plan. I need something solid to rely on, or at least something that appears solid. At this point, it doesn't seem real yet. I know I have six embryos waiting on me, but I haven't seen them, I don't know their grades (since they were frozen at day 1 and don't have grades) so I don't know how healthy they are or how many will make it.
Everything is still in the beginning stages, stalled out, and waiting. I hate waiting. Even worse, I hate waiting without a plan, without something set in stone. All the variables can change at this point and it makes me anxious. Which leads to me obsessing unhealthily, which leads to me getting upset, which leads to guilt over doing things I know are going to upset me, which leads to me feeling worse, which leads to major pity parties, which leads to post like this one. :/
I need to stop. Thanks for listening/reading.
Please, God, give me the strength and peace of mind to get through these next weeks, and bless my new little niece.