As I have been watching my trigger tests get lighter and lighter, hoping... PRAYING, that they darken back up, I have come to a realization that makes me very sad. I might not have children.
I know, I know, chances are small that I'll NEVER have kids, but chances are fairly high that it won't be any time soon. And...
What if I don't ever get pregnant?
It is a question that has been surfacing more frequently lately. I had such high hopes for this cycle... I mean, everything was perfect!! But here I am at 12DPO, getting negative pregnancy tests and feeling like AF is imminent. So I'm forced to ask myself, "What if I don't ever get pregnant?"
Over the past few years, and especially over this last year, I have pretty much begun defining myself by my desire to be a mom. So many things that I have wanted to do, that Patrick and I have wanted to do together, have been put on hold because "what if we get pregnant?" Our quest for a baby has eclipsed everything else. NOTHING is as important as becoming parents. But now I worry that we have given up too much. Invested too much.
When we started seeing the RE, I told myself that I drew the line at IVF. I didn't want to do anything that invasive, and besides that, it is wayyyyyy too expensive. I told myself that we would do three cycles of injectables, then we would take a break. Well, its looking like cycle 2 is a bust so now I find myself trying to find ways to get IVF. "If I do three egg donation cycles, we can afford one cycle of IVF!" "If we do a shared cycle, I can donate half of the eggs they retrieve and our cost will be minimal... for IVF"
Reality is, we can't afford it. Our insurance covers nothing of infertility and there is no way to swing it that would make it feasible for us. These three cycles of injectables nearly did us in. If this doesn't work, we are on our own.
Yes, there is a chance we will conceive naturally, but with one tube and only about 4 cycles a year, its unlikely at best.
So back to the question, "What if I don't ever get pregnant?" I cry as I write this because it hurts to much to think about. It has the potential to destroy me. Every failed cycle hurts more, breaks me down more. Having to give up, knowing that it could take us years on our own, if it ever happens... I'll be ruined emotionally.
Everything in my life has been a set up, a decision made with the consideration of having children. Our house is in a nice neighborhood with good schools. Our dogs are suppose to be good family dogs. All our furniture can be cleaned or easily replaced. We even picked out stain-proof, child-proof carpet when we re-did the house! Hell, I have chosen a path in my career where I can have more flexibility for a family over being more successful and making more money. I have a life built around children... with no children.
I feel like such a failure. Its probably PMS talking but I am so devastated. I won't be able to do this much longer, this desperate hope that gets crushed so viciously each month. If we decide to take a break, I don't think I'd be able to live with a chance of "maybe". I would have to go back on birth control... take my life back and redefine everything. We have been in such a state of limbo, waiting to get pregnant, and I can't do that forever.
I just want this so much. My heart aches to be a mommy. My life will never truly be complete until then... but it feels sooooo empty now that a child is so glaringly missing from this picture of our life.
Oh, God, please give me strength.