I've been a Slacker...

I have been a bad blogger. I'm sorry for the lack of updates, I'm going to try to be better.

Both babies are doing good, but this nausea has really been kicking my ass. I have about one really bad day a week where I can't keep anything down and have to cancel my clients, and I've been to the doctor twice for excessive vomiting.
Last week we had a bit of a scare because I started spotting and cramping. They took us right away for an ultrasound at the OBs office and everything was fine. My doctor said it was probably from my violent puke sessions (I threw up twice while there) and told me to take it easy, take my phenergan every 3.5 hours, try to sleep a bit, and if I was still throwing up that night to head to the hospital for fluids. Luckily it didn't get to that point and I felt better after more meds and a nap.
The upside was that we got to see the babies again. Both had heart rates of 164... And I got to see them move!

I'm at 12 weeks already and had to cave yesterday and buy some maternity pants... eeep! I can't believe it!... But things are definitely growing. I'm having my NT scan done next week andI'm hoping we get an early guess at genders because the suspense is killing me. Patrick is convinced that they're both boys and that they are his good luck charms. He is a Notre Dame fanatic and they've gone undefeated so far. He says it's because I'm growing their future star players. He actually rubs my belly and tells them to grow strong so they can play for Notre Dame one day... It's pretty sweet.

I can't believe how quickly time is going by. We've decided that I'm going to stop working after Christmas, which is only 7 weeks away! It's been bitter-sweet making my clients' last appointments with me and I know it's going to be rough when I'm actually doing their hair for the last time for who knows how long. With the holidays being so hectic, it's going to be here before I know it!

Speaking of the holidays... I'm both excited and nervous for Thanksgiving. I'm nervous because of the above mentioned nausea. I'm so excited for the food, but I'm worried I won't be able to stomache much of it. I'm having some MAJOR food aversions... mainly to meat. I can handle small amounts mixed with other things, but I haven't really had any meat in about 5 weeks.
Veggies are iffy. Sometimes I want them, sometimes the thought turns my stomache. I've been sustaining myself, for the most part, on potatoes, pb&j sandwiches, pasta, crackers, and cereal. (Thank goodness for cereal! It's about the only variety I get.)
My doctor says my nausea should start getting better now that I'm heading into my second trimester, but that it could hang around until twenty weeks... or even beyond! I'm praying it goes away soon and that I can enjoy the Thanksgiving feast. More importantly, I want to be able to stop the meds.
My nausea medicine makes me constipated (horribly so), and my constipation medicine makes me nauseous. My "super" nausea medicine is a suppository... and it gives my diarrhea... within ten minutes.
At least I'm off the progesterone and estrogen. I stopped earlier this week without any issues. My butt cheeks are very thankful for the stop.

Everything is progressing... and FAST. Sometimes I still have a hard time believing its real.

Thank You, God, for this amazing gift You're giving us.

Welcome To Pukey Town

Who-ever decided to name "morning sickness" should be kicked in the shins. The name is misleading and offers a false hope for relief.
This is not just limited to the morning... it lasts all day.
I had been somewhat nauseous right around the time I first got my BFP, but I'm thinking that was more related to the low blood sugar attacks I sometimes get when I don't eat like I should. Once I started eating better, the nausea went away. Then, last Thursday, as I was reaching to turn off the water in the shower, this wave of nausea came over me and all I could do was think "Oh no!", grab a towel, and try not to bust ass as I lunged for the toilet.
That nausea has been with me ever since. And nothing I do really seems to help it. If I don't eat, I just get hunger nausea on top of the other nausea, and if I do eat, the food just feels like its sitting in my stomach until it makes me sick. About the only thing that doesn't make me feel sick is fruit, but that doesn't do much about my hunger.
Thank goodness I had an appointment with my OB today and he has prescribed me some Zofran so we'll see how that works. I would have preferred to find a natural remedy, but at this point I just need to EAT!
I do keep reminding myself that the morning sickness is a good sign, and, honestly, I will take this times a billion to have healthy babies.

On a positive note, we got to hear the heartbeats this week!! It was the most amazing thing! Baby A is measuring great, Baby B is about 2 days behind, but both had heart rates of 119bpm on Tuesday, which is awesome. At today's ultrasound, B was still measuring two days behind, with a heart rate of 122, and A had a heart rate of 139, still perfect for where they are.
Baby B's sac looks a lot smaller than A's, which sort of worried us a bit. The technician and doctor assured us that everything looked great and, since B is further from the cervix, it might just be a bit more difficult to get a good picture of him/her.
Speaking of him or her... I have had a feeling from the beginning that we have a boy and a girl. My mom feels the same way and some of my friends have also mentioned it. Patrick says its two boys... but I figured that was more just wishful thinking on his part. At the OB appointment today, my doctor said he's putting his money on two boys (I'm guessing he's going by the heart rates). Now I don't know what to think!

Today's appointment proved informative in a lot of ways!
We went over the list of all the things I can't do or eat. All the tests they recommend and how often I'll be seen. How much weight I should gain... 35lbs if anyone's wondering, which actually surprised me because it seems like not very much for twins and I'm starting out at 118.
My OB also told me that I have a zero percent chance at a vaginal delivery, and that there is only one doctor in the area that he knows of that will even attempt a vaginal with twins. He says the risk of something happening is much too high and he prefers for everyone to be safe... so C-section it is.
My due date is May 24, but my "goal date" is May 3 (37 weeks). I'm also not going to be allowed to work past 28 weeks and will probably go on modified bed-rest at that point. Since I'm a hairdresser, he said he might have me stop working as early as 20 weeks, depending on how big I'm getting and how my cervix is holding up.
All this information was a bit unexpected to me, and it really made me think about how drastically everything is going to change... and how SOON! I could potentially need to stop working in three months! It was a little overwhelming.
Twenty weeks will put me at the end of December, which is my busiest time of year, so I'll probably be ready to quit by then! At least it will give me plenty of time to get ready for the twins.

Thank You, God, for the wonderful gifts You have given us. Please keep my babies strong, healthy, and growing inside my uterus until May.

Fuck You, Infertility

Happy Wednesday, everyone!

Sorry for the lack of posts lately... these last couple weeks are totally new territory for me and I'm not really sure how to handle everything. 

First, let me say- I know that most of you who read this are struggling with infertility too. I know how difficult it is to hear about someone else getting pregnant. I hope that most of you will continue reading, but I understand if some of you don't. I pray for you all every night. I hope every one of you gets your little miracle very soon.

We all know infertility fucks with you... completely changes the way you think, the way you act. I'm so excited for this pregnancy, but I'm so incredibly worried about every step of it, despite my efforts to just enjoy it. First it was having a positive beta, then having it double, then having it continue to rise, then is the pregnancy in the right place, finding a heartbeat, getting out of the first trimester, etc. It seems too good to be true.

We've already told our parents the good news. Since we've been open about our struggles and our treatments, they knew we were getting the results soon and we couldn't keep it secret for too long. Luckily, we were able to still surprise them. Since my birthday was on the 18th, we invited all the family over on the Sunday before and made the announcement. It was really awesome. My mom cried, my grandma cried, Patrick's mom cried... I cried. Everyone was so excited.
Buuuut.... after everyone left, Patrick apparently thought it was okay to tell everyone else... so he posted the announcement on Facebook. I was pissed.
Then, since he had put it on Facebook, his mom told his entire extended family. And my grandma told my entire extended family.
At this point, pissed was an understatement.
Don't they know its still too early? Don't they know how precarious everything is at this point? Don't they know how much can still go wrong?
......
This type of thinking is the result of four and a half years of infertility.
I don't want to think like this.
So I decided I won't be mad at Patrick for telling Facebook that I'm pregnant. I won't be upset that our entire family knows.
Patrick is so excited and I know he just wants to share it. He doesn't know about what could happen, so he doesn't worry about it.

Last Friday we had our first ultrasound. Even though I had an appointment for an ultrasound with my OB for the following Tuesday, anxiety got the better of me, and I made an appointment for an U/S with my fertility clinic here in Houston. I was 5 weeks exactly so I didn't expect to hear a heartbeat, but I just wanted to make sure everything was were it was suppose to be.
It was!

There was a second sac, but it was much smaller than this one. The tech said it could go either way, but she didn't even measure it, so we figured she wasn't expecting it to make it. Beta that day came back at 3321, so my doubling time had slowed to about 43 hours, which is awesome, but it made me wonder if the other had in fact stopped growing.

Yesterday was my appointment with the OB. Patrick had the day off since our closing on the house was scheduled for that afternoon (YAY! Finally!!!). Good thing we had the time because my OB was running 45 minutes behind! Luckily, we didn't have to wait that long for the ultrasound, though, and they called us back after about 10 minutes. This is what we saw almost immediately:

In only four days, the one little sac had caught up to the other one! We are having twins!!

It was still too early to see a heartbeat, which worried Patrick, and I have to go back again next week to confirm heartbeats, but everything is looking great so far!
I really feel better knowing that they are still growing.
I'm still anxious about seeing the heartbeats next week because I know that its a HUGE milestone. Once we reach that point, the doctor said chance of miscarriage falls dramatically.
So until then, I have to remind myself not to let my "infertility brain" get the better of me. I am still staying away from Dr. Google. I will not look up statistics, or worse-case-scenarios. I will not think about the what-ifs. I will not be angry at anyone for sharing our news.
I have faith that everything will work out.

Thank You, God, for giving us these precious miracles. Please keep my babies strong, healthy, and growing inside my uterus for the next nine months.

Preggo

Day 14- 9dp5dt
Goal- to get a positive beta
Met?- yes
Mood- all over the place
Symptoms- more nauseous, tired... but having trouble sleeping, headache, heartburn, burpy
POAS?- yes
Report- yesterday I started feeling nauseous, today it's worse. My blood sugar can be screwy, and I get really nauseous when it gets low, so I'm not wanting to call this morning sickness just yet, but today I went for my second beta and it was 221! It quadrupled! I'm wondering if the quick (super fast) rise is what's contributing to my symptoms.
I was a bit worried that a 24hr doubling time might be too fast (I'm refraining from allowing myself to google molar pregnancies) but the doctor is thrilled with my numbers and thinks I might have more than one growing in there. He wants me to get an ultrasound late next week/ early the following week, once my numbers get over 1500, to make sure everything is where it should be. It will probably be too early to see much, but I'm really excited!
Since I've been driving from Houston to Dallas for the study, he is allowing me to start going to my OB/Gyn here instead of making the drive up to Dallas. I'm assuming they'll want to see me at least one more time before I'm officially released, but I'm glad they're making it easy on me.

Our parents all know we're doing IVF/FET, so we will be announcing the good news to our family this weekend at my "birthday" celebration. I'd like to wait until the ultrasound when everything won't be so uncertain, but everyone is starting to ask if we know yet and I HATE lying about it... Especially to my mom.

We're going to have a lot going on next week!!

Thank You, God, for giving us this amazing gift. Please keep my babies strong and growing in my uterus for the next nine months. 
Please give us strength next week and let everything work out with our house.

Crazy

Day 13- 8dp5dt

Goal- to not obsess

Met?- not so much

Mood- okayish

Symptoms- headache, tired, nauseous, some brownish spotting, heartburn

POAS?- yes

Report- I don't know why I try to kid myself. Not obsess? Me? Yeah.Friggin.Right. It's what I do! I should have learned by now that when I try to shut away the crazy it just busts the door down and comes rushing out in an all consuming tidal wave of psychoness. But if I put in a mental doggy door, the crazy has to squeeze out a little at a time and the flow is controlled. 

So I've allowed myself to test twice a day... With FMU and in the afternoon when I get home. It's comforting to me to see the progression and it's been amazing how quickly my tests have gotten DARK! I've found that my afternoon tests are usually much darker than my morning tests. 

And I do check and recheck them about a million times a day. It's no big deal when I'm home alone, but when Patrick comes home I have to make up reasons to go upstairs at random times. I'm crazy, I know.

The only thing I've done good not stressing over is spotting. I noticed a bit of old blood spotting on the TP last night, and it's been sporadic through the day today, but I know it's normal, could be from implantation, and unless it picks up, I'm not worried.

My second beta is tomorrow so I'm praying for a good doubling time. When I finally spoke to the nurse yesterday she originally said I didn't need another beta until Tuesday (WHAAAAT?!) but she called today and said I could go tomorrow.

Also, totally off topic, but do not EVER EVER EVER go through Wells Fargo to buy a house! It has been an absolute nightmare. We rented the house from the sellers when the bank delayed closing by a month a week before the contract was up, after a 45 day closing period. We rented so that we could move when we had anticipated and so the sellers wouldn't pull the contract.

Three days before the second closing date, the bank told us closing was going to cost $5000 more than they told us, so we had to delay for another two weeks until Patrick got his bonus. 

Now, we are suppose to close on Monday and the lady from the bank called today to tell us there are more "conditions" that need to be met, and we need to give them bank statements to show we have the money to close. Um, helllllloooo! We don't have the money... That's why we delayed. We will have the money after midnight tomorrow, but that's not going to show on the bank statements!

Uggg! 

Please pray for us that it works out. I don't think the sellers will extend again... We put the offer in at the end of May!!!

Thank You, God, for the amazing blessing You have given us. Please keep my babies strong and growing in my uterus for the next nine months.

Please, please God, let everything work out with the bank so we can close on this hou

Beta

Day 12- 7dp5dt
Goal- no forums or FertilityFriend today
Met?- so far, so good
Mood- good, but irritable
Symptoms- yes... still tired, slight cramps, heartburn, nauseous... well, just a generally unhappy tummy
POAS?- yes
Report- Beta day today! My beta is at 56.4! Not too shabby for 12dpo. I go back Friday to re-check and I'm praying for a good doubling time.
That's all for now... I'm trying to limit my online time today so I'm not tempted to Google, BetaBase, etc., but I'll have more later.

Thank You, God, for this amazing blessing. Please keep my babies strong and growing inside my uterus.

Change

Day 11- 6dp5dt
Goal- to change something today
Met?- yes
Mood- great
Symptoms- hellacous heartburn, still tired, hungry
POAS?- yes
Report- Two things changed today. The first is not a big deal... I changed my beta appointment from Friday to tomorrow... the second is much more significant.
I actually feel pregnant. Not in the symptomy, nauseous type of way, but in the "I am actually pregnant" type of way.
It has taken so long to get here, I've been very guarded and I don't think I actually accepted what those two lines really mean until this afternoon. It just didn't feel like it was really happening to me.
I'm still worried that something could happen... and probably will continue to be worried... but I am determined to enjoy this time.

Thank you, everyone for the congrats and support. It really means a lot to me. I pray for each and every one of you as well.

Now, as requested, some test pictures!

I didn't post these yesterday because my FMU tests were so faint I didn't think they would even show up on the pictures. Isn't the digi beautiful? No questioning that result!
Seeing that word pop up on that test was the moment that changed how I was feeling. I actually gasped and said to myself, "I am pregnant."
When I showed it to Patrick he said, "Well, I guess its official now, huh?"

My first beta is tomorrow at 10am. I'm praying for a good, strong number.

Thank You, God, for this amazing blessing! Please keep my babies strong and growing inside my uterus for the next nine months.