Sunday, June 24, 2012
The Monster is Back
Today sucks.
The crappy additude that comes with BCP is back. My temper is short, my energy is low, and I have to fight the urge to smack nearly everyone who is unfortunate enough to be in my presence. I really wish I could seclude myself away in a dark room with nothing but my pj's, a comfy couch, a fuzzy blanket, my iPad, and sappy movies. Stupid birth control.
I've been thinking a lot about adoption lately. I hate what I'm putting my body through and I worry that this will never work. I'm so disappointed and discouraged by my body and our results so far, and at this point I'm ready to throw in the towel.
Hell, I've been ready to throw in the towel for months now, I'm just too stubborn to quit and I don't want to disappoint my husband.
I really wish it was easier to adopt. So many people say "just adopt" or "start the adoption process and you'll probably get pregnant" or "don't worry, you can always adopt". These people have no idea what the F they're talking about. Adoption is a very long, very expensive, very involved process! You have to find and pick an agency (there are LOTS), apply (some have application fees), be accepted, go to meetings and classes, have a home study, make a profile, wait (usually for months) to be matched with a birth mother or to have a birth mother pick your profile over many others, meet the birth mother, hope the mother isn't smoking/drinking/doing drugs, prepare for baby (sometimes with only a few weeks until the baby is due), hope the birth mother doesn't change her mind, wait for the baby to be born, hope there are no issues, wait 48hrs after the birth before the mother can sign adoption papers, hope the birth mother doesn't decide to keep the baby, hope the father doesn't dispute the adoption, get the baby, go to court to finalize the adoption, hope the father doesn't dispute the adoption, and THEN you have a baby.
A domestic infant adoption usually costs between $20-$40k. Most these days are open adoptions and the birth mother gets to pick the adoptive family. She also has the right to change her mind and pick a different family... At any time. I have heard of families preparing for babies, only to be told they weren't getting one. On the flip side, I have a client who was told they weren't selected, then, a few months later, got a call informing them the mother had changed her mind and they needed to come pick their baby up within two hours. They had nothing for a baby!
Open adoptions also include some level of contact with the birth mother. The level of contact is decided by the birth mother and can range from as little as pictures every once in a while, to as extreme as regular visitation, especially if the mother has other kids.
Then there's always the worry that "daddy" will one day show up and try to claim his parental rights. It's rare and there's usually not much he can do at that point, but it can happen, it usually requires court to settle, and there is a chance the adoption can be over-turned.
International adoption usually doesn't come with the birth parent issues, but there are many other factors that complicate getting a child from another country. Required trips (sometimes weeks at a time), long waiting periods, expensive visas, tons and tons of paperwork, and usually the baby is nearly a year old by the time you get to take it home and you have no idea what conditions it lived with for the first months of its life.
So, again... I wish it was easier to adopt. I want so badly to be a mother! I don't care anymore if the child is biologically mine, I just want children. It doesn't even have to be a baby... I'll take a toddler!
I don't want to go through this any more. I just want to hold a child in my arms and know that I'm responsible for him/her. I just want to be called mommy.
Ugh... Sorry for the depressing post.
Please, God, grant me strength.
Thursday, June 14, 2012
Second Chances
The more sure I got that I wasn't pregnant, the more determined I became to find our next option.
I found a new clinic, with great success rates, close to home, and much cheaper than my current clinic close to home. They even offer a package with 3 fresh and 3 frozen cycles, for the price of 2 fresh and 2 frozen and if you don't take home a baby, they refund 70% of the package price. My problem is, though, that I have way too many unanswered questions. Was my last cycle a lab problem? Is there a problem with my eggs? Is it an issue with me and Patrick together? If its a lab issue, I could very well get pregnant on the first cycle and we would have paid more than double for 1 cycle.
My solution? I found a clinic that does a shared egg cycle for only $3000, flat. It could be my little experiment! It would change the lab, give my eggs a shot with Patrick's sperm, and give them a shot with the recipients' sperm, thus testing all theories. If it worked, GREAT! Our additional cost would be minimal. If not, at least we would know where our problem is and if we need to spring for the package, or if we could do cycle by cycle.
I went in 11dp2dt for my beta. My HPT that morning had been negative so I was prepared for the worst. I called Patrick from work to tell him about my plan for our next steps and he said that sounded like a great idea. As we were going over the plan, my phone beeped for call-waiting. The caller ID said it was my clinic.
I told Patrick I would call him back and switched calls, expecting my nurse to be on the other line. Instead, it was the embryologist. He said that he wasn't going to beat around the bush, and that he was extremely sorry, but my beta came back negative. He told me that he had talked to my doctor, and that they both feel like they had dropped the ball with me and that they should have, and can, do much better with me. (At this point I was thinking that he was just trying to convince me to come back to them) Then he told me that he they were offering me a free cycle.
I was speechless. My jaw literally dropped and I stood there for a moment with my mouth hanging open, blinking at space and looking like someone had punched me.
He went on to tell me that the company that had sponsored the study was willing to sponsor another cycle for me, the clinic was willing to waiver their remaining fees, that he had spoken to the anesthesiologist, who had agreed to donate his services for ER, and that they were trying to get all my medicines donated as well, giving me a 100% free cycle! If they can't get all my meds, I'd have to buy anything they couldn't get, but that would be my only expense.
This is truly a gift from God!
My doctor assured me that they were going to stim me much slower this time, as he thinks my sky-rocketing E2 played a big part in my egg quality and they're really going to try to not have me over-stim this time so that I hopefully make it to transfer. I have an appointment with him on Monday to go over last cycle and the upcoming one, and I have a list of questions ready for him. For now I'm back on BCP... yuck!... and I'll cycle again in July. The lab is closed the first two weeks in July, and at first I was upset about the delay, but now I'm thankful for it. We have a lot going on right now and I think the break will be good for me, mentally and physically.
Lately I've felt much more at peace with everything that's happened. Patrick and I have plenty to keep us busy and I think that's helped keep me from dwelling. We are going to Chicago for a week the last weekend in June and I'm really looking forward to the trip! I'll be starting Lupron while up there so that I can start stims immediately after the lab re-opens. Luckily, its just Lupron and not anything that needs to be refrigerated or taken intramuscularly.
We're also buying a house! Right now, closing is set for July 20, but things are progressing quicker than we thought, so we're hoping to close sooner. We plan on doing some remodeling before we move in (we both refuse to live through another remodel) and we hope to move in by August 1. As it stands right now, I'm expecting ER to be the last week of July, and (hopefully) have ET the first week in August, so we're definitely going to be hiring movers this time around. If all goes to plan, I'll have a week at home... the new home!... to unpack and get settled, but how often do things go as planned?!
Good things are happening and I'm excited about the road ahead. For the past few years I've felt like everything in my life was going wrong, and at times I've felt so hopeless. I've come to realize that things were going wrong because I was trying to force them to be right. I tried to take things out of God's hands and put them in my own. Now that I've given control back to God, things are going right without my help. We're being given a second chance, with the house and the IVF. My first cycle may not have gone as I'd hoped, but I know its all for the best in the end. All I can do is put my faith in God and go with the flow.
Thank you, God, for everything You give us.
Bitter Disappointments
Its been a long time since I've updated. I'm going to break my update down into two post so its not too long. So much has happened and emotionally I've been thrown from one end of the spectrum to the other.
So, my FET cycle was progressing perfectly and I had very high hopes of success. The embryologist had decided to thaw and fertilize my 11 frozen eggs to give me the best chance and my transfer date was moved up from May 31 to May 29. I had my last US/BW on Wednesday, May 23 and everything was looking great so I was to start progesterone that night. That evening, right before my shot, the embryologist called to tell me that he had thawed my eggs and that 6 had been ICSI'd.
Wait. Six? What the H happened to the other FIVE?! (That's what I wanted to ask... instead I asked...)
"Only six?"
Embryologist: "Oh. Yes, well, we couldn't find one" ...um, WHAT?!... "and unfortunately four did not survive the thaw."
I was upset. I was under the impression that vitrification had around a 90% or better thaw survival rate, and I only got a 60% survival rate? I asked him why he thought we lost so many, and why we had only had a 50% fertilization rate with the ICSI during the first cycle. He gave me a vague, indirect, almost deflective answer about natural selection and how, with the new improvements in fertility treatments, we are breeding more and more infertile people.
Now, I may be a hairdresser, and I may not have a college degree, but I'm not stupid and his answer sounded like a brush off to me.
Still, I comforted myself with the thinking that hopefully the four eggs that didn't survive the thaw were the weak ones that wouldn't have fertilized anyways and that hopefully the six that made it will all fertilize. That was not the case, though.
The next day the embryologist called back to tell me that only ONE had actually fertilized. ONE! Out of six, only one. He told me that they had already started thawing my embryos, which were frozen in 3 straws of 2, and that they had decided to do a day 3 transfer instead of a day 5. He told me he would call me within two hours with further details. An hour later he called back to tell me that the first straw they thawed, neither embryo survived, and the second straw, both survived, but the decision had been made to transfer the next day, on day 2.
So the next day Patrick and I got up crazy early and hit the road. We were both angry. At this point we both felt like there had been a problem with the lab. So far, out of 18 ICSI'd eggs, we had only gotten 7 embryos... a 39% fertilization rate. Out of 15, well, we'll say 14 since they lost one, thawed eggs and embryos, we lost 6 total in the thaw, giving us a 57% thaw rate. Given that both ICSI and vitrification are suppose to have success rate in the 90% range, our only answer was that the lab had done something wrong.... or that there was something very wrong with us.
Halfway there, we decided that it didn't matter. We were transferring three embryos and that meant we had a good chance of getting pregnant. Our goal is to have a baby, and it doesn't matter what happened along the way as long as we get there.
At the clinic we were in good spirits. Patrick had to put on one of those paper jumpsuits and it was WAAAAY too small! He ripped open the seams that the armpits and crotch immediately, and the seam at the butt was so strained I was surprised it held. Not to mention it the legs only reached to his calves and the arms to mid-forearm. We took pictures... it was hilarious!
Pretty soon the embryologist came in, holding what I have been so anxiously waiting for since this started- the pictures of our embryos. Except, he didn't look very happy... and there was only one picture.
Embryologist-"I'm sorry, but I'm really not happy with the results we've been getting from your embryos."
My heart sank.
Embryologist-"Neither one of the embryos we thawed yesterday divided overnight. The egg we fertilized on Wednesday night is only two cells and we were really hoping for four cells today, but it is alive and we feel good about transferring it."
I was dumbfounded. I sat there, smiling and nodding because if I dropped my smile I knew I would break down. He must have thought I was crazy.
He told us he would normally have given us a 40% chance of success with one day 2 embryo, but since it was behind and we had lost so many, he was not even going to guess that high... in fact, he didn't even give us a number.
Patrick hadn't gotten that we were only down to one, and was still optimistic about transferring three, and I had to tell him that there was only one because the others had died. After that, I could tell he was very upset.
The transfer was easy. No pain, no discomfort. Honestly, I think I was numb from the news. I was just trying to keep it together. I was on the verge of tears the entire time but I couldn't name the emotion that was causing them.
After the transfer, they brought us the vial the embryos had been frozen in, and the petri-dish my little "JellyTot" had grown in. That was special. Then we went home, both upset.
The next few days are vague. I know I cried randomly and fairly often. Then I decided to be hopeful. JellyTot had survived when ALL my other embryos had died before reaching this stage. That had to mean he/she was strong. I was optimistic for a while, enjoying the fact that I had a potential life inside me. Patrick even rubbed my belly and told JellyTot to grow while we were in bed at night.
I held off on testing for nearly the whole time. At 9dp2dt (nine days past two day transfer) I broke down and tested. It was negative and I was surprisingly at peace with it. I'd had a feeling all along that this wasn't going to work. I'd just KNOWN that it wasn't our time. Sure, I still did hope that it was just a late implanter and that the test would be positive the next day, or the next, or that my beta would surprise me, but my logical side told me that it was time to come up with Plan B.
Yes, I do still have 2 day1 embryos in the freezer, but given everything that had happened, chances were good that they wouldn't even make it to transfer. Despite my reluctance to do so, I knew I'd have to go through another fresh IVF cycle.
As my tests over the next couple days kept coming up negative, instead of Googling "day 2 transfer success stories", I began researching other options.
To Be Continued....
Please, God, grant me strength to do what needs to be done, and serenity to get through it.
So, my FET cycle was progressing perfectly and I had very high hopes of success. The embryologist had decided to thaw and fertilize my 11 frozen eggs to give me the best chance and my transfer date was moved up from May 31 to May 29. I had my last US/BW on Wednesday, May 23 and everything was looking great so I was to start progesterone that night. That evening, right before my shot, the embryologist called to tell me that he had thawed my eggs and that 6 had been ICSI'd.
Wait. Six? What the H happened to the other FIVE?! (That's what I wanted to ask... instead I asked...)
"Only six?"
Embryologist: "Oh. Yes, well, we couldn't find one" ...um, WHAT?!... "and unfortunately four did not survive the thaw."
I was upset. I was under the impression that vitrification had around a 90% or better thaw survival rate, and I only got a 60% survival rate? I asked him why he thought we lost so many, and why we had only had a 50% fertilization rate with the ICSI during the first cycle. He gave me a vague, indirect, almost deflective answer about natural selection and how, with the new improvements in fertility treatments, we are breeding more and more infertile people.
Now, I may be a hairdresser, and I may not have a college degree, but I'm not stupid and his answer sounded like a brush off to me.
Still, I comforted myself with the thinking that hopefully the four eggs that didn't survive the thaw were the weak ones that wouldn't have fertilized anyways and that hopefully the six that made it will all fertilize. That was not the case, though.
The next day the embryologist called back to tell me that only ONE had actually fertilized. ONE! Out of six, only one. He told me that they had already started thawing my embryos, which were frozen in 3 straws of 2, and that they had decided to do a day 3 transfer instead of a day 5. He told me he would call me within two hours with further details. An hour later he called back to tell me that the first straw they thawed, neither embryo survived, and the second straw, both survived, but the decision had been made to transfer the next day, on day 2.
So the next day Patrick and I got up crazy early and hit the road. We were both angry. At this point we both felt like there had been a problem with the lab. So far, out of 18 ICSI'd eggs, we had only gotten 7 embryos... a 39% fertilization rate. Out of 15, well, we'll say 14 since they lost one, thawed eggs and embryos, we lost 6 total in the thaw, giving us a 57% thaw rate. Given that both ICSI and vitrification are suppose to have success rate in the 90% range, our only answer was that the lab had done something wrong.... or that there was something very wrong with us.
Halfway there, we decided that it didn't matter. We were transferring three embryos and that meant we had a good chance of getting pregnant. Our goal is to have a baby, and it doesn't matter what happened along the way as long as we get there.
At the clinic we were in good spirits. Patrick had to put on one of those paper jumpsuits and it was WAAAAY too small! He ripped open the seams that the armpits and crotch immediately, and the seam at the butt was so strained I was surprised it held. Not to mention it the legs only reached to his calves and the arms to mid-forearm. We took pictures... it was hilarious!
Pretty soon the embryologist came in, holding what I have been so anxiously waiting for since this started- the pictures of our embryos. Except, he didn't look very happy... and there was only one picture.
Embryologist-"I'm sorry, but I'm really not happy with the results we've been getting from your embryos."
My heart sank.
Embryologist-"Neither one of the embryos we thawed yesterday divided overnight. The egg we fertilized on Wednesday night is only two cells and we were really hoping for four cells today, but it is alive and we feel good about transferring it."
I was dumbfounded. I sat there, smiling and nodding because if I dropped my smile I knew I would break down. He must have thought I was crazy.
He told us he would normally have given us a 40% chance of success with one day 2 embryo, but since it was behind and we had lost so many, he was not even going to guess that high... in fact, he didn't even give us a number.
Patrick hadn't gotten that we were only down to one, and was still optimistic about transferring three, and I had to tell him that there was only one because the others had died. After that, I could tell he was very upset.
The transfer was easy. No pain, no discomfort. Honestly, I think I was numb from the news. I was just trying to keep it together. I was on the verge of tears the entire time but I couldn't name the emotion that was causing them.
After the transfer, they brought us the vial the embryos had been frozen in, and the petri-dish my little "JellyTot" had grown in. That was special. Then we went home, both upset.
The next few days are vague. I know I cried randomly and fairly often. Then I decided to be hopeful. JellyTot had survived when ALL my other embryos had died before reaching this stage. That had to mean he/she was strong. I was optimistic for a while, enjoying the fact that I had a potential life inside me. Patrick even rubbed my belly and told JellyTot to grow while we were in bed at night.
I held off on testing for nearly the whole time. At 9dp2dt (nine days past two day transfer) I broke down and tested. It was negative and I was surprisingly at peace with it. I'd had a feeling all along that this wasn't going to work. I'd just KNOWN that it wasn't our time. Sure, I still did hope that it was just a late implanter and that the test would be positive the next day, or the next, or that my beta would surprise me, but my logical side told me that it was time to come up with Plan B.
Yes, I do still have 2 day1 embryos in the freezer, but given everything that had happened, chances were good that they wouldn't even make it to transfer. Despite my reluctance to do so, I knew I'd have to go through another fresh IVF cycle.
As my tests over the next couple days kept coming up negative, instead of Googling "day 2 transfer success stories", I began researching other options.
To Be Continued....
Please, God, grant me strength to do what needs to be done, and serenity to get through it.
Friday, May 11, 2012
Wishing My Time Away
May 29th! That is the magical day that my embies are coming home to mama!
I never really understood how someone can forget to take their infertility meds, because when I was doing my IVF cycle, I was so friggin excited that I would watch the clock, waiting for time to take my shots. Now, I understand. This FET cycle is so boring and uneventful, there have been a few nights where I have been in bed, only to suddenly remember, "my Lupron!" I've had to set a reminder so that I don't forget.
I am, once again, very happy to finally be off the birth control, and now that I'm starting Estrace, it finally feels like we are moving along. Ultrasound yesterday showed a nice, thin lining and no cysts, and my estrogen level was below 30 so everything is looking great. My next checkup is in two weeks, on the 23rd, and if everything looks good I'll start my progesterone shots that night for my transfer on the 29th!
I'm getting sooooo excited. I really try not to wish my time away, but I wish it was happening tomorrow. I just want transfer day to get here already! It feels like it has been so long since my retrieval and I'm getting antsy. We have a very busy May, so I know it'll be here before I know it but it just can't get here fast enough!
My little sister is graduating from college tomorrow and I am so proud of her! Patrick and I are driving up to Dallas early tomorrow morning for the graduation and to meet my family for her party. Timing is pretty awesome because we just found out this last week that my doctor and embryologist have decided to use my frozen eggs this cycle instead of my frozen day 1 embies, and the embryologist needs another "sample" from Patrick to fertilize the rest of my eggs. He needs the sample on the 24th, but Patrick is going to be on a business trip in Florida that day so that's not going to be possible. Luckily, he said that he would be freezing the sample, so Patrick can really go at any time before then, and since we're going to be there tomorrow anyways.....
Good thing we found this out this week because, like I mentioned, we have a lot going on this month and we don't have much flexibility and wiggle room in our calendar. The week before transfer is going to be so crazy, I'll be lucky to find time to breathe! Patrick will be out of town May 22-24, our wedding anniversary is the 25th, we leave the 26th to go to Austin for a wedding on the 28th (why anybody would have a wedding on a Monday night at 7:30 when most of their guests are coming from out of town is totally beyond me, but I get to have a romantic anniversary weekend in Austin so I don't mind) and then we have to rush from Austin to Dallas first thing the next morning for my (hopefully afternoon) transfer, then back home that evening!
Whew! I'm winded just from writing it down! In between the events, we are also looking for a new house, applying for financing, my sister has a birthday, Patrick's brother has a birthday, I have a new suite-mate starting at work, and Patrick just got a promotion so he has added responsibility at work also. I don't know if we could have thrown an extra Dallas trip into the mix without upsetting the balance we have going.
On another positive note, my pity party is over and yet to return. I'm feeling more and more positive about this cycle the closer it gets to transfer day. My mood improves every day, with a DRAMATIC improvement once I stopped those evil little pills.
I must say, I'm glad that I'm taking the Estrace orally as opposed to doing the estrogen patches or, worse, taking the Estrace vaginally. A lady on the forums who was taking it vaginally referred to it as being "a smurfy mess down there" and once I filled the prescription, I can understand how that would happen. Those pills are small and trying to maneuver those little buggers up there would be a pain. Not to mention, why do they add coloring to anything that has the option to be used as a suppository? And blue? Really? Gross. I don't want anything to do with smurf-colored lady parts. That's all I'll say about that.
I can't wait to see how many of my remaining 11 eggs fertilize! We'll be doing a day 5 transfer and I hope we have a good number that make it to blastocyst. Depending on how many make it, and how good they look, we will transfer one or two. I'm really leaning towards only transferring one and I think that will probably be what my RE recommends because the clinic really prefers to do single embryo transfers, but if we only have two that make it blast, or if they're not looking very good, I'll transfer two. BUT NO MORE! I am so terrified of getting pregnant with more than two babies at once. If it happens, I will welcome and love my babies, but a high-order multiple pregnancy is one of my biggest fears going into this and I will do what is in my power to prevent it.
Anyways, Mother's Day is on Sunday and I have three wonderful moms (my mom, mother-in-law, and stepmother-in-law) that I'm so thankful to have in my life. And to all the moms out there: I hope you all have a blessed, wonderful day!
Its crazy to think that this time next year I might very well be a mom myself!
I never really understood how someone can forget to take their infertility meds, because when I was doing my IVF cycle, I was so friggin excited that I would watch the clock, waiting for time to take my shots. Now, I understand. This FET cycle is so boring and uneventful, there have been a few nights where I have been in bed, only to suddenly remember, "my Lupron!" I've had to set a reminder so that I don't forget.
I am, once again, very happy to finally be off the birth control, and now that I'm starting Estrace, it finally feels like we are moving along. Ultrasound yesterday showed a nice, thin lining and no cysts, and my estrogen level was below 30 so everything is looking great. My next checkup is in two weeks, on the 23rd, and if everything looks good I'll start my progesterone shots that night for my transfer on the 29th!
I'm getting sooooo excited. I really try not to wish my time away, but I wish it was happening tomorrow. I just want transfer day to get here already! It feels like it has been so long since my retrieval and I'm getting antsy. We have a very busy May, so I know it'll be here before I know it but it just can't get here fast enough!
My little sister is graduating from college tomorrow and I am so proud of her! Patrick and I are driving up to Dallas early tomorrow morning for the graduation and to meet my family for her party. Timing is pretty awesome because we just found out this last week that my doctor and embryologist have decided to use my frozen eggs this cycle instead of my frozen day 1 embies, and the embryologist needs another "sample" from Patrick to fertilize the rest of my eggs. He needs the sample on the 24th, but Patrick is going to be on a business trip in Florida that day so that's not going to be possible. Luckily, he said that he would be freezing the sample, so Patrick can really go at any time before then, and since we're going to be there tomorrow anyways.....
Good thing we found this out this week because, like I mentioned, we have a lot going on this month and we don't have much flexibility and wiggle room in our calendar. The week before transfer is going to be so crazy, I'll be lucky to find time to breathe! Patrick will be out of town May 22-24, our wedding anniversary is the 25th, we leave the 26th to go to Austin for a wedding on the 28th (why anybody would have a wedding on a Monday night at 7:30 when most of their guests are coming from out of town is totally beyond me, but I get to have a romantic anniversary weekend in Austin so I don't mind) and then we have to rush from Austin to Dallas first thing the next morning for my (hopefully afternoon) transfer, then back home that evening!
Whew! I'm winded just from writing it down! In between the events, we are also looking for a new house, applying for financing, my sister has a birthday, Patrick's brother has a birthday, I have a new suite-mate starting at work, and Patrick just got a promotion so he has added responsibility at work also. I don't know if we could have thrown an extra Dallas trip into the mix without upsetting the balance we have going.
On another positive note, my pity party is over and yet to return. I'm feeling more and more positive about this cycle the closer it gets to transfer day. My mood improves every day, with a DRAMATIC improvement once I stopped those evil little pills.
I must say, I'm glad that I'm taking the Estrace orally as opposed to doing the estrogen patches or, worse, taking the Estrace vaginally. A lady on the forums who was taking it vaginally referred to it as being "a smurfy mess down there" and once I filled the prescription, I can understand how that would happen. Those pills are small and trying to maneuver those little buggers up there would be a pain. Not to mention, why do they add coloring to anything that has the option to be used as a suppository? And blue? Really? Gross. I don't want anything to do with smurf-colored lady parts. That's all I'll say about that.
I can't wait to see how many of my remaining 11 eggs fertilize! We'll be doing a day 5 transfer and I hope we have a good number that make it to blastocyst. Depending on how many make it, and how good they look, we will transfer one or two. I'm really leaning towards only transferring one and I think that will probably be what my RE recommends because the clinic really prefers to do single embryo transfers, but if we only have two that make it blast, or if they're not looking very good, I'll transfer two. BUT NO MORE! I am so terrified of getting pregnant with more than two babies at once. If it happens, I will welcome and love my babies, but a high-order multiple pregnancy is one of my biggest fears going into this and I will do what is in my power to prevent it.
Anyways, Mother's Day is on Sunday and I have three wonderful moms (my mom, mother-in-law, and stepmother-in-law) that I'm so thankful to have in my life. And to all the moms out there: I hope you all have a blessed, wonderful day!
Its crazy to think that this time next year I might very well be a mom myself!
Thursday, April 19, 2012
Pity Party
Today is a bad day. The last few days have seen me descending into a pity party, and today I'm finally there. I'd like to blame the birth control pills, which have left me with near constant headaches, and though that's probably not helping, I know I only have myself to blame.
I have a lot of hope for our FET, but right now I'm in a kind of limbo that just kills me. So many people say that FET cycles are boring and boy are they right! It feels like nothing is happening and I NEED something to happen!! Next week, Tuesday, I get to go for BW/US to make sure my ovaries are nice and quiet so that I can start Lupron and hopefully I'll start feeling better then, knowing I'm getting closer. For right now I'm just a mopey, distant, uninterested mess.
Like I said, this is mainly my own doing. My sister-in-law had her baby last week, and I really am happy for them. The problem is, I'm really jealous! I have been stalking her blog and Facebook for pictures of the baby, only to get depressed and envious because I want that so badly for us. I hate feeling that way, which only makes me feel worse, and I know that I should just stop, but its like I can't help myself.
To add insult to injury, I watch any pregnancy/baby related show I can find. A Baby Story, Make Room for Multiples (a favorite), and Baby's First Day use to bring me such joy. I love seeing the looks on the parents' faces when they first meet their babies! They would cry happy tears, and I would cry happy tears for them, dreaming and hoping for the day that Patrick and I get to experience that. Now, I just sigh wistfully, almost bitterly, thinking, "If only I could have that." And I am ashamed to admit that I watch 16 and Pregnant. It is probably one of the worst shows to watch when you are struggling with infertility because the only thing that comes to mind is, "Why them and not me?" I watch them coast along, not caring, with their thoughts of "perfect" families and easy lives, until they have the baby and it changes to complaining, mooching off anyone that is willing to help, and breaking up with their baby-daddies because the "man" they got pregnant with isn't stepping up (what a surprise!) and they have to actually take care of the baby... *GASP*!
I don't know why I do this to myself. I shouldn't watch those shows. It makes me feel like a horrible person that I become so bitter at times, and so jealous. I am not this person. Sometimes it just feels so unobtainable. It feels like I'm reaching for something that is always just beyond my grasp. For every step we take to get closer to having a baby, something comes to push it further away from us.
I know we're close now... closer than we have ever been!... but I still feel like its out of reach. Maybe its because we don't have a date set for the transfer yet, and I don't have a calendar that I can look at and count down the days. Maybe I am just mopey from the birth control. Maybe I've been trying too hard to appear positive to everyone and my negativity has just fought its way to the surface. Maybe its a phase. Maybe its all of the above.
I don't do good when I don't have a plan. I need something solid to rely on, or at least something that appears solid. At this point, it doesn't seem real yet. I know I have six embryos waiting on me, but I haven't seen them, I don't know their grades (since they were frozen at day 1 and don't have grades) so I don't know how healthy they are or how many will make it.
Everything is still in the beginning stages, stalled out, and waiting. I hate waiting. Even worse, I hate waiting without a plan, without something set in stone. All the variables can change at this point and it makes me anxious. Which leads to me obsessing unhealthily, which leads to me getting upset, which leads to guilt over doing things I know are going to upset me, which leads to me feeling worse, which leads to major pity parties, which leads to post like this one. :/
I need to stop. Thanks for listening/reading.
Please, God, give me the strength and peace of mind to get through these next weeks, and bless my new little niece.
I have a lot of hope for our FET, but right now I'm in a kind of limbo that just kills me. So many people say that FET cycles are boring and boy are they right! It feels like nothing is happening and I NEED something to happen!! Next week, Tuesday, I get to go for BW/US to make sure my ovaries are nice and quiet so that I can start Lupron and hopefully I'll start feeling better then, knowing I'm getting closer. For right now I'm just a mopey, distant, uninterested mess.
Like I said, this is mainly my own doing. My sister-in-law had her baby last week, and I really am happy for them. The problem is, I'm really jealous! I have been stalking her blog and Facebook for pictures of the baby, only to get depressed and envious because I want that so badly for us. I hate feeling that way, which only makes me feel worse, and I know that I should just stop, but its like I can't help myself.
To add insult to injury, I watch any pregnancy/baby related show I can find. A Baby Story, Make Room for Multiples (a favorite), and Baby's First Day use to bring me such joy. I love seeing the looks on the parents' faces when they first meet their babies! They would cry happy tears, and I would cry happy tears for them, dreaming and hoping for the day that Patrick and I get to experience that. Now, I just sigh wistfully, almost bitterly, thinking, "If only I could have that." And I am ashamed to admit that I watch 16 and Pregnant. It is probably one of the worst shows to watch when you are struggling with infertility because the only thing that comes to mind is, "Why them and not me?" I watch them coast along, not caring, with their thoughts of "perfect" families and easy lives, until they have the baby and it changes to complaining, mooching off anyone that is willing to help, and breaking up with their baby-daddies because the "man" they got pregnant with isn't stepping up (what a surprise!) and they have to actually take care of the baby... *GASP*!
I don't know why I do this to myself. I shouldn't watch those shows. It makes me feel like a horrible person that I become so bitter at times, and so jealous. I am not this person. Sometimes it just feels so unobtainable. It feels like I'm reaching for something that is always just beyond my grasp. For every step we take to get closer to having a baby, something comes to push it further away from us.
I know we're close now... closer than we have ever been!... but I still feel like its out of reach. Maybe its because we don't have a date set for the transfer yet, and I don't have a calendar that I can look at and count down the days. Maybe I am just mopey from the birth control. Maybe I've been trying too hard to appear positive to everyone and my negativity has just fought its way to the surface. Maybe its a phase. Maybe its all of the above.
I don't do good when I don't have a plan. I need something solid to rely on, or at least something that appears solid. At this point, it doesn't seem real yet. I know I have six embryos waiting on me, but I haven't seen them, I don't know their grades (since they were frozen at day 1 and don't have grades) so I don't know how healthy they are or how many will make it.
Everything is still in the beginning stages, stalled out, and waiting. I hate waiting. Even worse, I hate waiting without a plan, without something set in stone. All the variables can change at this point and it makes me anxious. Which leads to me obsessing unhealthily, which leads to me getting upset, which leads to guilt over doing things I know are going to upset me, which leads to me feeling worse, which leads to major pity parties, which leads to post like this one. :/
I need to stop. Thanks for listening/reading.
Please, God, give me the strength and peace of mind to get through these next weeks, and bless my new little niece.
Saturday, April 14, 2012
My Treacherous Body... It Can Be Amazing
Wow, I can't believe how much has happened... but at the same time, not much is different :/
I apologize for the lack of updates... things happened quickly, time got away from me, and I was feeling like poopy. Here's how it all went down:
I ended up going to Dallas a few days early because my E2 was rising so quickly and I was having to go in so much. At my first ultrasound, I had tons of little follies measuring between 10-14, some smaller, and my E2 had gone up to 2000. The doctor decreased my Follistim for that night, and told me not to take it the following night. The next ultrasound showed about 20+ follies on each ovary measuring between 13-18mm, some smaller, and my E2 was at 5000!!! So I got to trigger a day early, and Patrick had to rush up a day early.
The last few days before ER was pretty uncomfortable. I was definitely very aware of my ovaries and very ready to get this over with. Wednesday morning we had to be at the clinic at 8:30, and my retrieval was scheduled for 9:30. We got there on time, but there was awful traffic and a few accidents, so my doctor was running behind. Finally, they came and got me, took me to the ER room, and strapped me into those nifty full-leg stirrups. The anesthesiologist (who was hilarious) put the oxygen tube in my nose, the embryologist came in to introduce himself, and the nurses were bustling about getting everything ready. I started to get a bit nervous/anxious. The last thing I remember is my doctor coming in and saying, "Okay, is everyone ready?"
Then I woke up back in my little recovery room, Patrick sitting next to me. I was really woozy and out of it, but I came to my senses pretty quickly. My doctor came in and told us that they were able to retrieve 26 eggs, and that everything went great, but that he thought that it would be a good idea for us to go ahead and freeze everything this cycle because he was really worried about OHSS (ovarian hyper stimulation syndrome) since my estrogen was so high. He said that even if I didn't get OHSS, the high estrogen makes for a hostile environment for the embryos, anyways. I was pretty upset, but I trust that my doctor knows what's best and I want my embies to have the best shot possible to become babies.
After ER I felt much better than I expected. I had hardly any pain, only a bit of spotting, and only a hint of bloating. We had rented a hotel room close to the clinic for the night after ER, and I laid up in bed watching movies and snacking while Patrick and my brother (who came with Patrick to drive me home after ET) went to get us all lunch. I inhaled my food, then my brother went back to my sister's apartment, Patrick took a nap, and I watched more movies. That night, my brother came back and him and Patrick went to get dinner. One of the nurses called me to check in and she was surprised that I was doing so well she said that the doctor would call me the next day with the decision of whether or not we would be transferring this cycle or moving to an FET.
The next morning Patrick took me back to my sister's, then he had to head back to Houston. He had planned to stay with me through the weekend, but since he had to come a day early and could only miss two days of work, he had to go back. So my brother and I plopped ourselves on my sister's couch while I downed Gatorade and salty snacks like it was going out of style. I kept checking my phone, waiting for the doctor to call with my fertilization report and so I could tell them how great I was feeling and that I felt okay to go ahead with the transfer. I had expected to feel like hell warmed over the day after ER, but I felt no worse than the last days leading up to retrieval, so I was certain that everything was going to be fine.
Around 2pm the embryologist called. Out of my 26 eggs, 23 were mature. As part of the study, they froze 11 eggs and fertilized 12 with ICSI. Out of the 12 ICSIed, 6 fertilized normally, 1 fertilized abnormally, and 5 did not fertilize. Then came what I didn't want to hear. "Since we are not transferring this cycle, we did not unfreeze the other eggs, and all six embryos were frozen this morning."
What? I don't have a chance to argue my case? They froze them already?
I had wanted to ask why only 6 out of 12 eggs had fertilized even though they had used ICSI, which normally yields a much higher fertilization rate since the eggs are individually injected with a sperm, but my mind went blank and all I could manage was: "The embryos are already frozen?"
He explained that the embryos are much more hearty at this stage and that they handle the freeze/thaw cycle much better. I think he could tell that I was a bit taken aback by the news so he put me through to the nurse to explain to me what was going on. She told me that my doctor felt that my estrogen was just way too high to support a transfer and pregnancy at this point and that once my new cycle started, we would move into FET right away. Until then, I needed to start Heparin shots to counteract the increased clotting factor of super high estrogen and prevent blood clots.
I just wanted to go home. There was no point in staying in Dallas if we weren't going to transfer. I told my brother to pack up and that we would be heading out as soon as possible. My sister was sad when I called to tell her we were leaving since she had looked forward to spending the weekend with us, and I felt bad to just bail on her, but I just wanted to be back home.
The ride to Houston was uncomfortable, but not horrible. My brother drove to my mom's house and I only had to do the 45 minute drive from my mom's house to home. Patrick had gone to pick up my Heparin prescription and had food waiting for me. The dogs were so excited to see me I thought their butts would fall off from how much they were wiggling! It was a constant battle to keep them from jumping on me or trying to lay down on top of me, especially when I had the heating pad on my belly, but I quickly perfected my blocking technique.
Well, let me just say that... Heparin shots SUCK! During my stims I only bruised once or twice, and those bruises were tiny. Every single one of my Heparin shots bruised!! The shots on the right side weren't too horrible, but every shot on my left side was huge!! I had to do a 1 ml shot every 12 hours so I was doing left side in the morning, right side in the evening. I switched to see if it was only the morning shot that bruised, but it didn't make a difference, so I eventually had to start only doing them on the right side because there wasn't any room on the left that wasn't bruised.
On Sunday I was pretty upset that we had cancelled transfer. Sunday would have been my transfer day and I wasn't experiencing what they had been worried about. I was bloated, yes, but it wasn't that bad. I did feel worse on Sunday than the days before, but we had had friends over on Saturday so I figured I had over-done it and was just sore so I spent the day on the couch with the heating pad. That night, I got mildly nauseous while I was getting everything ready for my Heparin shot, but once I sat back down I was fine. Monday morning I woke up and I was very bloated. I took the dogs out and after standing up for less than 5 minutes, waiting for them to do their thing, I had to run to the bathroom because I was certain I was going to vomit. As soon as I was crouched down, the nausea began to subside, but it came back once I stood back up. I barely got my shot done before I was running (more like shuffling quickly) for the bathroom again to dry-heave for ten minutes.
When my stomach settled, I weighed myself and I was up about 5 pounds from before transfer, which isn't too bad, but I was sure that I had gained most of that the night before. My whole day was spent on the couch, interrupted only by the briefest of trips to the bathroom or to get something to eat. Standing made me insanely nauseous, so I had to limit my time upright. When Patrick got home he was concerned and told me to call my doctor, but I told him I couldn't imagine it getting worse.
Tuesday was even worse.
I was beyond bloated and when I weighed myself I had gained another 3 pounds from the day before. The skin on my tummy was itching from it stretching so much and my ribcage was hurting from the pressure of the fluid in my belly. If I took a deep breath, I would get stabbing pains in my ribs and the bottom of my lungs. I had to be nearly fully reclined so the fluid could spread along my whole torso, otherwise it felt like my stomach was going to pull apart, and I would get immediately nauseous. I texted the nurse from the clinic and asked at what point I should be concerned. The doctor called me a while later, concerned. He asked me some questions, and my answers must have been good because he told me that I didn't need to do anything yet, and that I should start feeling better within the next few days. He said that if I was really uncomfortable, I could go to my gyno or RE in Houston and ask them to drain the fluid, but if I got any worse, that I needed to go to the ER. I was really uncomfortable, but didn't want to have a giant needle stuck into my abdomen if I didn't have to, so I decided to see what happened. I decided that I was very happy that we didn't do the transfer!
Luckily, Wednesday was better. I was still very bloated, but I could stand without getting nauseous so that was a big improvement to me. I probably shouldn't have, but I went to work. I had already missed a week and a half and I couldn't reschedule my clients again. I'm very glad that I only scheduled a half day for my first day back, so it wasn't too bad. Unfortunately, the added pressure of the fluid on my tummy from standing the whole day, all my bruises that had been fading re-bruised and got bigger. Thursday had me feeling a little better still, but my bruises got a little worse. Then came Friday.
Friday morning I woke up having to pee worse than I ever had before in my life! I barely made it to the bathroom. But I felt AMAZING! Nearly all my bloating was gone. My pain was gone! Just like that, I was better. It felt as if the clouds had parted and angels were singing down to me. Overnight my body had said "Hey, there is fluid in your abdomen. Let me just take care of that for you." The difference left me nearly euphoric.
On Sunday I started my period. I had never been so happy to start before! Knowing that we have little embabies out there, just waiting to come back to momma, is an amazing feeling. I was extremely disappointed when they cancelled my transfer, but I'm incredibly thankful that my doctor did what he knew would be best. I didn't want to be in my body after the retrieval, why would an embryo want to stay in there? I'm soooooo looking forward to my FET, and grateful that my body is going to be the perfect, welcoming home for my little babies, instead of the bloated, stressed, raging hormonal mess that it was just a week ago.
I feel good about this.
Thank you, God, for giving me what I needed, not what I wanted. I trust in You, and I know that one day, You will give me what I want AND need. Until then, please grant me the patience to wait.
I apologize for the lack of updates... things happened quickly, time got away from me, and I was feeling like poopy. Here's how it all went down:
I ended up going to Dallas a few days early because my E2 was rising so quickly and I was having to go in so much. At my first ultrasound, I had tons of little follies measuring between 10-14, some smaller, and my E2 had gone up to 2000. The doctor decreased my Follistim for that night, and told me not to take it the following night. The next ultrasound showed about 20+ follies on each ovary measuring between 13-18mm, some smaller, and my E2 was at 5000!!! So I got to trigger a day early, and Patrick had to rush up a day early.
The last few days before ER was pretty uncomfortable. I was definitely very aware of my ovaries and very ready to get this over with. Wednesday morning we had to be at the clinic at 8:30, and my retrieval was scheduled for 9:30. We got there on time, but there was awful traffic and a few accidents, so my doctor was running behind. Finally, they came and got me, took me to the ER room, and strapped me into those nifty full-leg stirrups. The anesthesiologist (who was hilarious) put the oxygen tube in my nose, the embryologist came in to introduce himself, and the nurses were bustling about getting everything ready. I started to get a bit nervous/anxious. The last thing I remember is my doctor coming in and saying, "Okay, is everyone ready?"
Then I woke up back in my little recovery room, Patrick sitting next to me. I was really woozy and out of it, but I came to my senses pretty quickly. My doctor came in and told us that they were able to retrieve 26 eggs, and that everything went great, but that he thought that it would be a good idea for us to go ahead and freeze everything this cycle because he was really worried about OHSS (ovarian hyper stimulation syndrome) since my estrogen was so high. He said that even if I didn't get OHSS, the high estrogen makes for a hostile environment for the embryos, anyways. I was pretty upset, but I trust that my doctor knows what's best and I want my embies to have the best shot possible to become babies.
After ER I felt much better than I expected. I had hardly any pain, only a bit of spotting, and only a hint of bloating. We had rented a hotel room close to the clinic for the night after ER, and I laid up in bed watching movies and snacking while Patrick and my brother (who came with Patrick to drive me home after ET) went to get us all lunch. I inhaled my food, then my brother went back to my sister's apartment, Patrick took a nap, and I watched more movies. That night, my brother came back and him and Patrick went to get dinner. One of the nurses called me to check in and she was surprised that I was doing so well she said that the doctor would call me the next day with the decision of whether or not we would be transferring this cycle or moving to an FET.
The next morning Patrick took me back to my sister's, then he had to head back to Houston. He had planned to stay with me through the weekend, but since he had to come a day early and could only miss two days of work, he had to go back. So my brother and I plopped ourselves on my sister's couch while I downed Gatorade and salty snacks like it was going out of style. I kept checking my phone, waiting for the doctor to call with my fertilization report and so I could tell them how great I was feeling and that I felt okay to go ahead with the transfer. I had expected to feel like hell warmed over the day after ER, but I felt no worse than the last days leading up to retrieval, so I was certain that everything was going to be fine.
Around 2pm the embryologist called. Out of my 26 eggs, 23 were mature. As part of the study, they froze 11 eggs and fertilized 12 with ICSI. Out of the 12 ICSIed, 6 fertilized normally, 1 fertilized abnormally, and 5 did not fertilize. Then came what I didn't want to hear. "Since we are not transferring this cycle, we did not unfreeze the other eggs, and all six embryos were frozen this morning."
What? I don't have a chance to argue my case? They froze them already?
I had wanted to ask why only 6 out of 12 eggs had fertilized even though they had used ICSI, which normally yields a much higher fertilization rate since the eggs are individually injected with a sperm, but my mind went blank and all I could manage was: "The embryos are already frozen?"
He explained that the embryos are much more hearty at this stage and that they handle the freeze/thaw cycle much better. I think he could tell that I was a bit taken aback by the news so he put me through to the nurse to explain to me what was going on. She told me that my doctor felt that my estrogen was just way too high to support a transfer and pregnancy at this point and that once my new cycle started, we would move into FET right away. Until then, I needed to start Heparin shots to counteract the increased clotting factor of super high estrogen and prevent blood clots.
I just wanted to go home. There was no point in staying in Dallas if we weren't going to transfer. I told my brother to pack up and that we would be heading out as soon as possible. My sister was sad when I called to tell her we were leaving since she had looked forward to spending the weekend with us, and I felt bad to just bail on her, but I just wanted to be back home.
The ride to Houston was uncomfortable, but not horrible. My brother drove to my mom's house and I only had to do the 45 minute drive from my mom's house to home. Patrick had gone to pick up my Heparin prescription and had food waiting for me. The dogs were so excited to see me I thought their butts would fall off from how much they were wiggling! It was a constant battle to keep them from jumping on me or trying to lay down on top of me, especially when I had the heating pad on my belly, but I quickly perfected my blocking technique.
Well, let me just say that... Heparin shots SUCK! During my stims I only bruised once or twice, and those bruises were tiny. Every single one of my Heparin shots bruised!! The shots on the right side weren't too horrible, but every shot on my left side was huge!! I had to do a 1 ml shot every 12 hours so I was doing left side in the morning, right side in the evening. I switched to see if it was only the morning shot that bruised, but it didn't make a difference, so I eventually had to start only doing them on the right side because there wasn't any room on the left that wasn't bruised.
On Sunday I was pretty upset that we had cancelled transfer. Sunday would have been my transfer day and I wasn't experiencing what they had been worried about. I was bloated, yes, but it wasn't that bad. I did feel worse on Sunday than the days before, but we had had friends over on Saturday so I figured I had over-done it and was just sore so I spent the day on the couch with the heating pad. That night, I got mildly nauseous while I was getting everything ready for my Heparin shot, but once I sat back down I was fine. Monday morning I woke up and I was very bloated. I took the dogs out and after standing up for less than 5 minutes, waiting for them to do their thing, I had to run to the bathroom because I was certain I was going to vomit. As soon as I was crouched down, the nausea began to subside, but it came back once I stood back up. I barely got my shot done before I was running (more like shuffling quickly) for the bathroom again to dry-heave for ten minutes.
When my stomach settled, I weighed myself and I was up about 5 pounds from before transfer, which isn't too bad, but I was sure that I had gained most of that the night before. My whole day was spent on the couch, interrupted only by the briefest of trips to the bathroom or to get something to eat. Standing made me insanely nauseous, so I had to limit my time upright. When Patrick got home he was concerned and told me to call my doctor, but I told him I couldn't imagine it getting worse.
Tuesday was even worse.
I was beyond bloated and when I weighed myself I had gained another 3 pounds from the day before. The skin on my tummy was itching from it stretching so much and my ribcage was hurting from the pressure of the fluid in my belly. If I took a deep breath, I would get stabbing pains in my ribs and the bottom of my lungs. I had to be nearly fully reclined so the fluid could spread along my whole torso, otherwise it felt like my stomach was going to pull apart, and I would get immediately nauseous. I texted the nurse from the clinic and asked at what point I should be concerned. The doctor called me a while later, concerned. He asked me some questions, and my answers must have been good because he told me that I didn't need to do anything yet, and that I should start feeling better within the next few days. He said that if I was really uncomfortable, I could go to my gyno or RE in Houston and ask them to drain the fluid, but if I got any worse, that I needed to go to the ER. I was really uncomfortable, but didn't want to have a giant needle stuck into my abdomen if I didn't have to, so I decided to see what happened. I decided that I was very happy that we didn't do the transfer!
Luckily, Wednesday was better. I was still very bloated, but I could stand without getting nauseous so that was a big improvement to me. I probably shouldn't have, but I went to work. I had already missed a week and a half and I couldn't reschedule my clients again. I'm very glad that I only scheduled a half day for my first day back, so it wasn't too bad. Unfortunately, the added pressure of the fluid on my tummy from standing the whole day, all my bruises that had been fading re-bruised and got bigger. Thursday had me feeling a little better still, but my bruises got a little worse. Then came Friday.
Friday morning I woke up having to pee worse than I ever had before in my life! I barely made it to the bathroom. But I felt AMAZING! Nearly all my bloating was gone. My pain was gone! Just like that, I was better. It felt as if the clouds had parted and angels were singing down to me. Overnight my body had said "Hey, there is fluid in your abdomen. Let me just take care of that for you." The difference left me nearly euphoric.
On Sunday I started my period. I had never been so happy to start before! Knowing that we have little embabies out there, just waiting to come back to momma, is an amazing feeling. I was extremely disappointed when they cancelled my transfer, but I'm incredibly thankful that my doctor did what he knew would be best. I didn't want to be in my body after the retrieval, why would an embryo want to stay in there? I'm soooooo looking forward to my FET, and grateful that my body is going to be the perfect, welcoming home for my little babies, instead of the bloated, stressed, raging hormonal mess that it was just a week ago.
I feel good about this.
Thank you, God, for giving me what I needed, not what I wanted. I trust in You, and I know that one day, You will give me what I want AND need. Until then, please grant me the patience to wait.
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Adventures with Needles
I debated titles for this post for a while. Other possibilities were: Stick it to Me, Pain in the @$$, and Shot to the Bum, and You're to Blame (sung to You Give Love a Bad Name tune, naturally). I decided on this title, though, because this really has been an adventure.
Like I mentioned in my last post, starting Lupron seemed to improve the wretched mood brought on by BCP. I started 10units of Lupron on Sunday, March 4. I'm using the small insulin needles to take my shot, but I've become so used to the super small, super sharp Follistim needles that even the 30gauge insulin needles took a bit more force and stung a bit more than I was expecting. And it itches! After my shot, the injection site gets all red and itchy for about 10 minutes. It goes away, but my belly button has become, and stayed itchy since I started the Lupron. :/ I have no idea if they're connected, but it seems like too much of a coincidence for them not to be connected.
Well, the Saturday after I started Lupron, we went out to celebrate one of Patrick's friends' 30th birthday. His friends live about 30 minutes from us, and we were going out close to their apartment, so we went down there early to go have dinner. I brought my meds with me, thinking I would have some time before we went out to take my Lupron. My "shot time" is 7pm every night, which is usually too early to go anywhere for Patrick's friends. Not that night. We were going to a dueling piano bar, so the guys decided we needed to go early so we could get a good seat. We got to the bar at 6:45, stood in line until they opened at 7, and went in, only to find that all the tables were reserved anyways, though we did get some seats at the railing/table. So I had to go do my shot in the bathroom... OF A BAR!!! I must have used 10 alcohol swabs on the "purse rest" or whatever that mini ledge is used for. Luckily it was early and the bathroom was empty, freshly cleaned, and unused for the night... there was still cleaner in the toilets and it still smelled like bleach. Still... ick!
The next Thursday I had my baseline appointment in Dallas, so I drove up on Wednesday to stay with my sister. I got to her apartment right at 7, took her dog out, and set up for my shot. After ten days of sticking needles in my tummy, I was running out of room to poke, and I must have stuck myself too close to my belly button, because the needle hurt going in, the medicine hurt going in, and when I pulled the needle out, a lot of blood followed it out. And... it hurt. It also left me a nice little bruise.
The Lupron has also been making me HUNGRY! I don't know what it is, but I have been a remorseless eater since about a week after starting it. I try to keep my snacks and meals healthy, but the worst part is, if I get hungry and don't eat fairly quickly, I get soooo nauseous and weak. Gatorade, nuts (gotta love those cocoa roasted almonds!), and granola bars have been life savers! Of course, by the time I got to my sister's house, I was starving, and her fridge was empty. By the time she got home from school, I was so nauseous I didn't want to eat anything (I know better than to not eat when I feel like that, so we ran to the store). I told her that we will be doing some major grocery shopping when I come to stay for the week!
My baseline appointment went great. A quick count showed 19 antral (resting) follicles, and my uterine lining was nice and thin at 3mm. Then I got to do my medications teaching class, where I was informed that my Repronex would indeed be an intramuscular injection- GOODY! I had been worried about that since I received my box-o-meds containing those nice, big, IM needles, but I had hoped that the pharmacy had just sent the wrong needles because Repronex can be taken intramuscularly or subcutaneously. The IM progesterone already had me freaking out because those needles look like they hurt- a lot- but I will do whatever is necessary for my little baby or babies, and if the doctor wants me to stick my butt, I will stick my butt.
After the teaching class, I hit the road back to Houston. The clinic called me, fairly quickly, to tell me that my blood work looked good and I was cleared to start meds on Sunday. I was so excited. It was getting to be official that I was going to do this!
Saturday was St. Patrick's day. Of course, Patrick wanted to go out. I told him that I refused to give myself another shot in a bar. He told me that he would drive me home to take my shot if I wanted, but to be on the safe side, I brought my Lupron
The first night of stims was... interesting. The Lupron and Follistim was easy peasy, but that Repronex had me riled. I was anxious as soon as I started my routine- getting the needles, swabbing down, setting up, etc. Patrick is giving me the intramuscular injections, and he kept asking me if I was ready for him to come do it. If you ask me, he was a little too excited about getting to jab me with a sharp object! I stalled for about 10-15 minutes. First, I injected the saline into the Repronex powder too fast and the mixture was all agitated and foamy, so I had to wait for the bubbles to go down. Then I had to ice my bum. Finally I couldn't stall any more and told Patrick I was ready. I stood at the kitchen island, clutching the counter, with my butt cheek hanging out, my weight on the opposite leg, and my heart pounding, as I squeezed my eyes shut and sang the ABCs in my head.
Patrick is really good at giving shots.
The stick was no worse than the Lupron needles, and the medicine didn't burn like I was anticipating. I could feel the pressure of having a bigger dose injected into my muscle, but it really wasn't that bad! He took the needle out, massaged my butt cheek for a minute, and then gave me a little kiss where he had stuck me, saying, "There you go, love. All done!" He really is a great man!
My hands were shaking from all the left over adrenaline as I cleaned up my injection station. I had gotten worked up over nothing.
After the shots, I sat on my heating pad for a while to relax my butt muscle for the medicine to absorb, but the next day my tushy was sore. Not terribly sore, but tender. That night, I wasn't as worried. I guess I should have been a bit more concerned, because I promptly stabbed myself in the thumb trying to take the inner cap off the Follistim needle. I never understood how people managed that, but now I see how easily it can happen. The rest of my injections went smoothly, and I didn't stall on the Repronex. Yesterday was day 3 of stims and it went flawlessly.
My tummy is starting to get pretty bruised since we are injecting 125iu of Follistim and 5u of Lupron. The Lupron usually doesn't bruise, but the higher dose of Follistim likes to leave a mark. My bum is a little tender on both sides, but I only really feel it when I sit down on the potty or lean up against the injection sites, and there are no bruises that I can see, yet.
I had my first blood work appointment today to check on my progress. I had a feeling my E2 would be high since I've already had some EWCM, and I was right. 529 after only three days of stims so they're lowering my Follistim to 100iu tonight, keeping the rest the same, and I have to go back tomorrow for another blood draw, then probably Friday for blood work and ultrasound. If I keep this up, I'll be getting blood taken every day for the next week! Couple that with my quickly rising bruise count, and sore bum, and I'm going to be looking and feeling very beat up by egg retrieval!
I go up to Dallas Saturday night or Sunday morning, depending on how I'm progressing, and since my sister is in school at night, its looking like I might have to start doing my Repronex shots myself! Eeeeep! I might try to convince my doctor to let me take them subcutaneously. ;)
I cannot believe how quickly this is going now! Its crazy to think that one week from tomorrow (if I stay on track) they will be taking my eggs and my husband's sperm, and making our future babies! Surreal!
Thank you, God, for all Your gifts! Give us strength and serenity as we continue with this exciting, stressful, uncertain, and amazing process.
Like I mentioned in my last post, starting Lupron seemed to improve the wretched mood brought on by BCP. I started 10units of Lupron on Sunday, March 4. I'm using the small insulin needles to take my shot, but I've become so used to the super small, super sharp Follistim needles that even the 30gauge insulin needles took a bit more force and stung a bit more than I was expecting. And it itches! After my shot, the injection site gets all red and itchy for about 10 minutes. It goes away, but my belly button has become, and stayed itchy since I started the Lupron. :/ I have no idea if they're connected, but it seems like too much of a coincidence for them not to be connected.
Well, the Saturday after I started Lupron, we went out to celebrate one of Patrick's friends' 30th birthday. His friends live about 30 minutes from us, and we were going out close to their apartment, so we went down there early to go have dinner. I brought my meds with me, thinking I would have some time before we went out to take my Lupron. My "shot time" is 7pm every night, which is usually too early to go anywhere for Patrick's friends. Not that night. We were going to a dueling piano bar, so the guys decided we needed to go early so we could get a good seat. We got to the bar at 6:45, stood in line until they opened at 7, and went in, only to find that all the tables were reserved anyways, though we did get some seats at the railing/table. So I had to go do my shot in the bathroom... OF A BAR!!! I must have used 10 alcohol swabs on the "purse rest" or whatever that mini ledge is used for. Luckily it was early and the bathroom was empty, freshly cleaned, and unused for the night... there was still cleaner in the toilets and it still smelled like bleach. Still... ick!
The next Thursday I had my baseline appointment in Dallas, so I drove up on Wednesday to stay with my sister. I got to her apartment right at 7, took her dog out, and set up for my shot. After ten days of sticking needles in my tummy, I was running out of room to poke, and I must have stuck myself too close to my belly button, because the needle hurt going in, the medicine hurt going in, and when I pulled the needle out, a lot of blood followed it out. And... it hurt. It also left me a nice little bruise.
The Lupron has also been making me HUNGRY! I don't know what it is, but I have been a remorseless eater since about a week after starting it. I try to keep my snacks and meals healthy, but the worst part is, if I get hungry and don't eat fairly quickly, I get soooo nauseous and weak. Gatorade, nuts (gotta love those cocoa roasted almonds!), and granola bars have been life savers! Of course, by the time I got to my sister's house, I was starving, and her fridge was empty. By the time she got home from school, I was so nauseous I didn't want to eat anything (I know better than to not eat when I feel like that, so we ran to the store). I told her that we will be doing some major grocery shopping when I come to stay for the week!
My baseline appointment went great. A quick count showed 19 antral (resting) follicles, and my uterine lining was nice and thin at 3mm. Then I got to do my medications teaching class, where I was informed that my Repronex would indeed be an intramuscular injection- GOODY! I had been worried about that since I received my box-o-meds containing those nice, big, IM needles, but I had hoped that the pharmacy had just sent the wrong needles because Repronex can be taken intramuscularly or subcutaneously. The IM progesterone already had me freaking out because those needles look like they hurt- a lot- but I will do whatever is necessary for my little baby or babies, and if the doctor wants me to stick my butt, I will stick my butt.
After the teaching class, I hit the road back to Houston. The clinic called me, fairly quickly, to tell me that my blood work looked good and I was cleared to start meds on Sunday. I was so excited. It was getting to be official that I was going to do this!
Saturday was St. Patrick's day. Of course, Patrick wanted to go out. I told him that I refused to give myself another shot in a bar. He told me that he would drive me home to take my shot if I wanted, but to be on the safe side, I brought my Lupron
The first night of stims was... interesting. The Lupron and Follistim was easy peasy, but that Repronex had me riled. I was anxious as soon as I started my routine- getting the needles, swabbing down, setting up, etc. Patrick is giving me the intramuscular injections, and he kept asking me if I was ready for him to come do it. If you ask me, he was a little too excited about getting to jab me with a sharp object! I stalled for about 10-15 minutes. First, I injected the saline into the Repronex powder too fast and the mixture was all agitated and foamy, so I had to wait for the bubbles to go down. Then I had to ice my bum. Finally I couldn't stall any more and told Patrick I was ready. I stood at the kitchen island, clutching the counter, with my butt cheek hanging out, my weight on the opposite leg, and my heart pounding, as I squeezed my eyes shut and sang the ABCs in my head.
Patrick is really good at giving shots.
The stick was no worse than the Lupron needles, and the medicine didn't burn like I was anticipating. I could feel the pressure of having a bigger dose injected into my muscle, but it really wasn't that bad! He took the needle out, massaged my butt cheek for a minute, and then gave me a little kiss where he had stuck me, saying, "There you go, love. All done!" He really is a great man!
My hands were shaking from all the left over adrenaline as I cleaned up my injection station. I had gotten worked up over nothing.
After the shots, I sat on my heating pad for a while to relax my butt muscle for the medicine to absorb, but the next day my tushy was sore. Not terribly sore, but tender. That night, I wasn't as worried. I guess I should have been a bit more concerned, because I promptly stabbed myself in the thumb trying to take the inner cap off the Follistim needle. I never understood how people managed that, but now I see how easily it can happen. The rest of my injections went smoothly, and I didn't stall on the Repronex. Yesterday was day 3 of stims and it went flawlessly.
My tummy is starting to get pretty bruised since we are injecting 125iu of Follistim and 5u of Lupron. The Lupron usually doesn't bruise, but the higher dose of Follistim likes to leave a mark. My bum is a little tender on both sides, but I only really feel it when I sit down on the potty or lean up against the injection sites, and there are no bruises that I can see, yet.
I had my first blood work appointment today to check on my progress. I had a feeling my E2 would be high since I've already had some EWCM, and I was right. 529 after only three days of stims so they're lowering my Follistim to 100iu tonight, keeping the rest the same, and I have to go back tomorrow for another blood draw, then probably Friday for blood work and ultrasound. If I keep this up, I'll be getting blood taken every day for the next week! Couple that with my quickly rising bruise count, and sore bum, and I'm going to be looking and feeling very beat up by egg retrieval!
I go up to Dallas Saturday night or Sunday morning, depending on how I'm progressing, and since my sister is in school at night, its looking like I might have to start doing my Repronex shots myself! Eeeeep! I might try to convince my doctor to let me take them subcutaneously. ;)
I cannot believe how quickly this is going now! Its crazy to think that one week from tomorrow (if I stay on track) they will be taking my eggs and my husband's sperm, and making our future babies! Surreal!
Thank you, God, for all Your gifts! Give us strength and serenity as we continue with this exciting, stressful, uncertain, and amazing process.
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