The Monster is Back

Today sucks. The crappy additude that comes with BCP is back. My temper is short, my energy is low, and I have to fight the urge to smack nearly everyone who is unfortunate enough to be in my presence. I really wish I could seclude myself away in a dark room with nothing but my pj's, a comfy couch, a fuzzy blanket, my iPad, and sappy movies. Stupid birth control. I've been thinking a lot about adoption lately. I hate what I'm putting my body through and I worry that this will never work. I'm so disappointed and discouraged by my body and our results so far, and at this point I'm ready to throw in the towel. Hell, I've been ready to throw in the towel for months now, I'm just too stubborn to quit and I don't want to disappoint my husband. I really wish it was easier to adopt. So many people say "just adopt" or "start the adoption process and you'll probably get pregnant" or "don't worry, you can always adopt". These people have no idea what the F they're talking about. Adoption is a very long, very expensive, very involved process! You have to find and pick an agency (there are LOTS), apply (some have application fees), be accepted, go to meetings and classes, have a home study, make a profile, wait (usually for months) to be matched with a birth mother or to have a birth mother pick your profile over many others, meet the birth mother, hope the mother isn't smoking/drinking/doing drugs, prepare for baby (sometimes with only a few weeks until the baby is due), hope the birth mother doesn't change her mind, wait for the baby to be born, hope there are no issues, wait 48hrs after the birth before the mother can sign adoption papers, hope the birth mother doesn't decide to keep the baby, hope the father doesn't dispute the adoption, get the baby, go to court to finalize the adoption, hope the father doesn't dispute the adoption, and THEN you have a baby. A domestic infant adoption usually costs between $20-$40k. Most these days are open adoptions and the birth mother gets to pick the adoptive family. She also has the right to change her mind and pick a different family... At any time. I have heard of families preparing for babies, only to be told they weren't getting one. On the flip side, I have a client who was told they weren't selected, then, a few months later, got a call informing them the mother had changed her mind and they needed to come pick their baby up within two hours. They had nothing for a baby! Open adoptions also include some level of contact with the birth mother. The level of contact is decided by the birth mother and can range from as little as pictures every once in a while, to as extreme as regular visitation, especially if the mother has other kids. Then there's always the worry that "daddy" will one day show up and try to claim his parental rights. It's rare and there's usually not much he can do at that point, but it can happen, it usually requires court to settle, and there is a chance the adoption can be over-turned. International adoption usually doesn't come with the birth parent issues, but there are many other factors that complicate getting a child from another country. Required trips (sometimes weeks at a time), long waiting periods, expensive visas, tons and tons of paperwork, and usually the baby is nearly a year old by the time you get to take it home and you have no idea what conditions it lived with for the first months of its life. So, again... I wish it was easier to adopt. I want so badly to be a mother! I don't care anymore if the child is biologically mine, I just want children. It doesn't even have to be a baby... I'll take a toddler! I don't want to go through this any more. I just want to hold a child in my arms and know that I'm responsible for him/her. I just want to be called mommy. Ugh... Sorry for the depressing post. Please, God, grant me strength.