Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Emotional Warfare

Well, I have taken my last birth control pill. HALLELUJAH!!
I have to take a moment and apologize to anyone and everyone who has had the misfortune of having to be around me while I was taking these evil little pills. I'm sorry. I was a monster and should have been locked away so that my mood swings, outbursts, and generally sh*tty attitude could not affect the public.
Patrick had it the worst. I was absolutely awful to him and, truth be told, I'm pretty surprised he didn't file for divorce. Thank you, honey, for sticking with me!!!
It seemed that the longer I was on BCP, the worse I got. It all came to a head the day before I started the Lupron. I left work, got in my car, and randomly thought to myself, "I miss my mom." Since she lives close, I headed over there. When I walked in, my dad informed me that she was at the store but should be back soon, so I waited about thirty minutes, but had to leave because Patrick was cooking dinner and I had to get home. As I was pulling out of their driveway I started crying because, "I wanted a hug from my mom! I miss her!"
Now, I'm very close to my mom, but I don't freak out like that if I don't see her. Not to mention, I had seen her earlier that week, and I had spoken to her the night before! I felt like a loony toon, but I couldn't stop myself from crying!
Then, once I got home, I picked a fight with Patrick within the hour, yelled at him, then ignored him for nearly two hours! And the fight was over something totally stupid that I was completely over-reacting about. After locking myself in the bedroom for two hours, I became even more irrationally enraged because he had not come in to apologize for me being batsh*t crazy, so I stormed out to the living room, told him I didn't want to have kids with him anymore (CRAZY!!!!) and informed him that I was going to my mom's. When he proceeded to just stare at me, flabbergasted, I yelled at him some more and started crying all over again. The entire time, my mind is telling me "you really need to stop, this is ridiculous, you're being crazy" but my mouth just wouldn't stop. When I ran out of reasons to yell and just stood there crying, Patrick came over, bless his heart, hugged me, and said he was sorry. I cried even harder because I knew he had nothing to be sorry for, that I was the one at fault, and I told him as much, only to follow my apology up with another insult in the same sentence. I apologized again, then went to get us a movie, hoping that the break would center me a bit, but I came back to the house and continued to throw unnecessary jabs at Patrick for the rest of the evening until he just gave up and went to bed. I owed him a big apology the next day!
Luckily, being on the Lupron seemed to mellow me a bit. I don't know if the was the "Lupron flare" putting some hormones back in my body, if it was just a placebo effect of me thinking I was putting some hormones back in my body, or if it was just excitement over starting shots (ie. starting my cycle) that was putting me in a better mood. Whatever the reason, I was grateful and I'm sure Patrick was too.
I've started my stim shots now, but I'll get into those later. First BW/US is tomorrow and I'm SUPER excited!

Thank you, God, for granting Patrick the patience to deal with me at my worst. Please give us strength through this whole process.

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