Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Unexpected Changes, Stupid Fights, and Hard Decisions

Well, last Monday (I can't believe its only been just over a week, it seems like I've been waiting much longer) I went in for a checkup BW/US. My U/S showed three 12mm (almost 13mm) follicles and a handful of 10mm follies on my right side, and one 12mm follie and a few 10 mm ones on my left. I was ECSTATIC The nurse said they would probably lower my dose a bit so that more of the tens don't keep growing and that the 12mm ones should continue. I was excited all day... until they called me with my B/W results. My E2 was over 1700 and my LH was starting to surge. They had to cancel my cycle because my treacherous body was trying to ovulate when there was nothing ready to ovulate.
My doctor called me the next night to go over what happened and talk about what we could do next. He said we could try a combo cycle with Clomid/Femera days 3-7or8 followed by only a few days of Follistim in hopes that the oral meds will help stabilize my cycle. But I worry because I'm not a very good responder on the oral meds... I only make one follicle per cycle on Clomid or Femera, and that just puts me back at having to cancel half my cycles because I ovulate on the wrong side.
He also said that he is still trying to get permission for me to do Shared Cycle IVF, and he said chances were good that it would be approved, but we are still waiting to hear. So I was a touch emotional after the call.
That night I told Patrick I wanted to stop trying to get pregnant. He was disappointed but he took it well. Then I dropped the bomb that if we stop trying, I want to remove all possibility of getting pregnant until we are ready to try this again... meaning I want to go back on birth control.
Here's my reasoning: I have an obsessive personality. Even if I go off all meds, stop charting, stop timing sex, stop everything, I am still going to obsess over the possibility that I might get pregnant. Each period is still going to crush me. And with each 2-3 month cycle, I'm going to start wondering if I might be pregnant after the first month, and I'm going to convince myself that I'm pregnant by the second month. Then my hopes will either be promptly squashed if its a "short" cycle, or the crazy that is usually reserved for the TWW will commence... only it will last for almost a month. I just want some peace of mind.
So, that did not go over so well. Patrick was really upset that I wanted to "totally give up", and while I understand why he is upset, I kept telling him that it wouldn't be forever, I just needed a break. It turned into a huge, pointless fight that ended up with both of us sitting silently on opposite couches, frustrated tears running down our faces. We tried to let the issue drop for a bit and come back to it when we were composed, but the second time through ended with the same result. Later, Patrick told me that he would support whatever decision I made about this. Maybe that's all I wanted to hear, because after he told me we could stop, I didn't want that any more. Stupid hormones. (or maybe I'm just crazy)
I'm surprised that I wasn't dehydrated from all the crying I did in those few days.
A few days later, I was told about an IVF study going on in Dallas. I called the doctor to see if there were any opening available and if I qualify. I go in next week for my initial consultation and blood work. The study covers most of the cost of the IVF cycle, but we will still be responsible for about $5000, which they would be willing to break up into a payment plan for us. I'm still praying that the shared cycle goes through because I have reservations about two things with the study. 1) Its in Dallas, which is four hours from where we live, and while the doctor said that I could have majority of my monitoring done at my RE's office here, they would want me to be in Dallas for my last few days of monitoring through ER, about a week total. My sister lives in Dallas, only minutes from the clinic, and I could easily spend the week with her, but that is an entire week off work, away from my home and my hubby (well, he'd have to come up to give some of his super sperm... which presents a whole new problem of HIM taking off work). Then I would come home for a few days and go back up for ET. 2) I really want to get the chance to help someone grow their family by donating some of my eggs. Something deep in my heart is telling me that I need to do this.
I'm still not sure what our next step is going to be. I'm so angry with my body. I'm going to go meet with the doctors in Dallas and see how I feel after. I have doubts about having to do IVF four hours from home, but I also have doubts about doing an oral meds/injection cycle at home. The only thing I really want is the shared cycle IVF... but that will delay us a few months until I'm matched to a recipient and our cycles are synced.
I don't know. Maybe I do need some time off.

Please, God, give me strength and help me make the right choice for my family- present and future.

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