July- August 2011 (and a bit of September)
I was so excited about this cycle. I just had a feeling that this would be IT. My day 3 BW/US was great, took the Femara with little side-effects (it only gives me headaches), and if the "ovaries take turns" theory held, it was my right ovary's turn to ovulate.
I went in on day 13 to check my progress, my lining was perfect, and as the tech scanned over to my right side, there it was... a perfect, 18mm follicle, ready to be triggered!! I just knew it was meant to be. She said they would call me that afternoon with my BW results and that I would probably trigger the next day.
They called later, and said everything was perfect. My E2 was 265 which is GREAT for a Femara cycle. Patrick and I were intimate for the next three nights, until I ovulated. I couldn't believe how easy this cycle was.
At 6 DPO my temperature dropped below the coverline. Implantation dip? I wanted to take a pregnancy test... I went out and bought some, the first I had bought in nearly a year... but I made myself wait, knowing early testing just leads to early disappointment. At 10 DPO I couldn't wait any more. I was 13 days past my trigger shot so the HCG was likely out of my system, and if it was an implantation dip I was likely 4 days past implantation.
I peed on the stick, put it on the counter, and tried not to watch the lines form.
The pink dye spread across the stick, and as it passed the spot where the test line should be, some stayed! Nothing had ever stayed in the test line. I watched, frozen on the toilet, as two pink lines formed on test.
My heart stopped, my chest squeezed, my breath caught.
The test was positive... I was pregnant.
I nearly cried I was so happy.
The test line was faint, but... *all together now* A LINE IS A LINE IS A LINE!
I couldn't wait for Patrick to get home to tell him! But wait... I needed to wait until my blood test to be sure. But I really wanted to tell him. But I would hate to disappoint him if it was wrong. But it couldn't be wrong. But it was still so early. But I was so excited, I wouldn't be able to keep the secret. But something could happen. But I have been through so much already... surely nothing would happen.
I was back and forth all day. I still walked around with a smile the entire day, I can't remember ever being so happy. I put my positive result into Fertility Friend. My due date was April 30, 2012. I had dreamed of having an April baby... silly, I know, but it seemed like the perfect time to have a baby.
The night, when Patrick walked in the door, I was in the best mood of my life. He was not. He had had a tough day at work and traffic had been a nightmare on the way home. He had wanted to cook that night, and as he stood in the kitchen, angrily chopping an onion, I decided that I wanted him to share in my happiness. I went and dug out the baby bib I had bought three years before for when I was going to tell him I was pregnant, held it to my stomach, and walked back to the kitchen.
He looked at it for a moment and froze. His eyes popped wide and he asked, "Are you pregnant?"
I could only nod as the happy tears started flowing. As my news sunk in, he set the knife down and a huge grin spread across his face. "Really?"
Again, more nodding. He came around the island and picked me up in a bear hug. We laughed, and hugged, and kissed, and shared the most joyous moment in our marriage... learning we were going to be parents.
The next day the test was negative. I took three more, and they were negative too. I scoured the Internet and found instances of negative tests after a positive that still resulted in pregnancy. There wasn't many, but I held on that hope. I wasn't ready to admit to myself that I had probably had a very early miscarriage that I wouldn't even have known about had I just waited to test. The blood test the next day confirmed that this was the case, though.
I had known better than to test early. I had known better than to tell Patrick until I was certain. I had known better than to get so emotionally involved in a cycle. But I had done all those things and now I was living with the consequences. I was DEVASTATED. I cried for days. I don't think even Patrick knows how hard I took that cycle. He was upset, true, but he stayed positive. He reminded me that at least now we knew we could get pregnant. I agreed and put on a tough facade, but on the inside I was crushed. I had built up so much hope, now that it was gone, I felt ruined.
I started my next cycle, but my hope was dashed. At this point I was just going through the motions. At the start of the cycle Dr. Griffith told me he thought it would be best if we moved on to injectables
Patrick talked to his HR rep in charge of their insurance plan at work about adding an infertility rider to their plan during open enrollment in November. The rep said they would definitely look into it and add it if the cost is reasonable. *Fingers, toes, and eyes crossed*
A few days into my cycle Patrick told me his sister is pregnant. My first thought, though I hate to admit it and hate even more that I thought it, was that should have been ME! He told me they had found out two weeks before. That was when I had gotten my positive... we probably would have been due at the same time.
I felt like I was living my loss all over again. I cried all over again. I am SO happy for them, don't get me wrong, but I hurt.
It took me a while to get over it all again. I was angry... not at anybody or anything, just angry. I couldn't understand why this was so HARD. Why I couldn't just have something I so badly wanted. I didn't blame God, I know He has a plan for me and that I will get pregnant when the time is right, I just wanted the time to be right NOW. I felt alone with my pain. Patrick looks at our journey as having started in February, after the surgery, since nothing could have happened before then, but I have been emotionally involved in this for nearly four years! My mom told me it just wasn't a good time for me to get pregnant. That was the last thing I wanted to hear, especially from my mom. I felt like she wouldn't be happy for me if I was pregnant. How does she know whether or not its a good time?! I know she was trying to make me feel better (she doesn't know about my positive test last cycle she only knows I'm getting upset with the whole TTC thing) but she is suppose to support me. She was suppose to hug me and tell me she was sorry that this was happening. She tried for five years before she got pregnant with me, she is suppose to understand how I feel!
The lady that rents the suite next to mine came over to chat with me on a particularly hard day... maybe my hormones were off-kilter, I don't know, I was just emotional. She knew immediately that something was wrong. We were talking and she just said, "Oh, honey, there is something that's just eating you up inside."
I broke down. I told her everything. She hugged me and told me she was sorry that this was happening to me. She told me to trust in God's plan. Told me that I needed to do something that made me happy and get my mind off the things that didn't. She said that I had no control over this, and that I needed to give it over to God and concentrate on things I did have control over. She told me everything I needed to hear.
I was ready to quit. I was ready to throw my hands up and scream, ENOUGH!!! I told myself, and Patrick, that if this cycle didn't work, I was done. We would go on a break from TTC until our insurance covered infertility or until we could afford the treatments without cringing as we handed over the debit card.
Instead, I prayed. I asked for guidance, instead of a baby. Strength, instead of a BFP. And I got it.
Patrick got a big bonus at work and, after talking it over, we decided to do one cycle of injectables if this cycle doesn't work. Then we'll take a break.
My hope has returned, and I have a positive outlook on the next leg of our journey.
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