Symptoms

Day 7- 2dp5dt

Goal- to not have to switch to Endometrin 3x a day

Met?- so far

Mood- good

Symptoms- crampy, lots of twinges, headache, tired

POAS?- no

Want to?- getting there

Report- I've decided to stay on the 2ml PIO for the time being. It's been going pretty good with minimal soreness. My nurse told me I could switch to the 1" needles so when I refilled my PIO perscription I had them send me some shorter needles, which I've been using for the past two nights. I must say... I think I prefer the longer ones! The short needles feel like they put the oil too close to the surface. With the longer ones, my soreness is deeper, making it feel more dull. The short ones it hurts right under the skin and the pain is sharper, more stingy. I'll try them for two more days, see if I get better. At least I can move more upper and outer without hitting bone (I think I poked a bit deep a few nights ago... It was not pleasant... Hence the request for the shorter needles)

Aside from that, I have been analyzing... more like over-analyzing... my symptoms. My left side has been very active with cramps and twinges and pokes and pulling. Granted, this IS the sides that had the tube fused to the ovary, so it tends to be quite twingy usually, but I really think this feels different. Maybe.

My right side is more of a constant dull achey, crampy, periody feeling. I don't know what to make of it but I'm still holding on to the thought that it's the babies snuggling in!

I have also been incredibly tired! I have been in bed by 10pm every night this week. As I might have mentioned, I tend to be a night owl, so this behavior is not typical for me. Yes, it's likely the progesterone making me sleepy, but I like to think my body is just tired from accepting and beginning to grow the twins. ;)

As far as the headaches, I'm attributing those to being tired and the meds. 

It's funny the way our brains work sometimes. I've had a lot of twinges and sensations today, but yesterday my cramps were more of the dull, AF variety. Now, I know cramps are to be expected, are totally normal, and could be a good sign, but a small part of me still worried that I was getting my period. It's the same part of my brain that yells "oh no, my embies!" when I sneeze and that told me not to go pee after my transfer, even though my bladder felt ready to explode. The logical part of me knows my embies won't "fall out" and that there is nothing to can do to force or push them out, but that small part still says, "they were outside of you, now they're inside of you, and they can still come back out."

I think most of us who have dealt with infertility have these thoughts and fears. It's the "infertile" part of our brains that tell us these crazy things. Because having dealt with so much disappointment and heartache, having been through so much pain, all we know is worst-case-scenario. The only thing we can do about out infertility brain is not listen to it. Not indulge in its craziness. Sometimes it's hard to quiet that fatalistic little voice, but I'm sure as hell going to do my best.

Oh goodness, it's past 11! No wonder my brain is so foggy... It's LATE!

Thank You, God, for continuing to bless us. Please keep my embryos strong and snuggled into my uterus and give me peace and strength in the weeks to come, no matter what.

Hope

Day 6- 1dp5dt

Goal- to be happy/hopeful for this cycle

Met?- yes

Mood- great

Symptoms- crampy

POAS?- no

Want to?- not really

Report- I'm happy today. Totally, incomparably happy. I have so much hope and excitement for this cycle! I know that I might regret it next Friday if we get bad news, but for now I like thinking that it's going to work. This is the furthest we've gotten! 

I also got news today that my third little embie made it to the freeze. That makes 6 little tot-cicles waiting for us... How great is that? 

This is the most at-ease I've felt with our fertility journey in the entire four years and half years that we've been trying. 

God is good.

Thank You, God, for continuing to bless us. Please keep my embryos strong and snuggled into my uterus.

PUPO!!!

Day 5

Goal- to have transfer today

Met?- yes!!

Mood- amazing!

Symptoms- headache, tired, some slight cramps that I like to think are the embies snuggling in

POAS?- no

Want to?- ...yes

Report- as you may have deduced from my plural use of "embies" above... We are PUPO with TWINS!!! Eeeeep! Here is the first official photo of our future babies

The doctor said he was very happy with our little embies and that he would even be happy only transferring one, but once I saw the pictures of these two I just had to have them both back. Aaaaaand, the embryologist said we have one more that could be frozen tomorrow! God has really blessed us immensely!

Now that I actually have a chance of being pregnant, I'm already getting the urge to test (crazy, I know) and already looking for excuses to ignore my goal of waiting. Ugh... Damn addictive pee sticks! It's going to be a long nine days.

For now I'm lounging on the couch... With my legs propped up (anything to help)... Cuddling with the dogs, and getting excited over cramps. Patrick has already come over once to rub my belly and I've caught him staring at me with a dreamy smile on his face. It's so effin sweet! We are both extremely excited!!

Thank You, God, for Your great gifts and endless blessings. Please help my babies snuggle into my uterus and stay for nine healthy months.

PIO

Day 4

Goal: to be able to sleep on my side with no knots from the PIO

Met?: ....eh...

Mood: chipper

Symptoms: bit tired

POAS?: no

Want to?: no

Report: Fitting that my goal/post today is about PIO. I've been doing the shots myself for the past few days with no incidents and (somewhat) less pain. Last night though, I had a blond moment.

It's been helping to sit on the heating pad for a few minutes before the shot and to put the vial of PIO on the pad with me to warm. But it takes a while to prepare the shot, change the needles, prep my tush, and find the right spot, so last night I decided I was going to be "efficient".

I grabbed the IM instruction sheet and diagram, a sharpie, dropped trou, and made Patrick circle the area for me. Then I drew up the oil, changed the needle, and went to sit on the heating pad with my loaded syringe. All this happened without incident.

I waited for my bum to get nice and warm before heading to the half bath for my shot. I prepped the area (smearing all the sharpie lines... Permanent marker my foot), uncapped the needle, pulled the skin taut, stuck the needle in, slowly began pushing the plunger... And notice the huge air bubble I had forgotten to get rid of.

So I had to stick myself again. 

I couldn't believe it. I didn't even tell Patrick because I know exactly what his response is going to be. He is going to close his eyes and shake his head in utter exasperation, then say, "This is why you should let me give you the shots."

Don't get me wrong, I've said before that Patrick is great at giving the shots and I meant it, but doing them myself has helped my anxiety towards them. And like I said, since I'm watching and not tensing when the needle goes in, I haven't been as sore.

So as far as having met my goal... Eh. I am still able to walk with little to no pain and I have been able to sleep on my sides, though it does hurt a bit. It's not nearly as bad as last time, but I am very tender. My whole butt feels bruised and it's painful to sit or cross my legs. There are no knots, which is a good thing. We'll see how this continues.

Buuuuut... Transfer is tomorrow!!!!!! It's a bit surreal that it's here and everything has gone so well. I haven't heard from the clinic today... Which I'm taking as a good sign... But I really wish I knew how my babies are doing. I'm going to have a hard time sleeping tonight!

Please, God, keep my embryos strong and growing.

Blessings

Day 3

Goal: to have 75% of my embies still growing today

Met?: yes!

Mood: great

Symptoms: slight headache, phlegmy

POAS?: no

Want to?: no

Report: God is really blessing us! The embryologist called a while ago and said that ALL FIVE of our embies are still growing and looking awesome! The three front runners from yesterday are "perfect" 8cells today, all grade 1 (the highest grade for our clinic... They grade 1-5), we have one 7cell grade 2, and a 6cell grade 3. I'm so over-the-moon excited at this point! 

He confirmed that we made the right decision yesterday to wait, and officially scheduled my transfer for noon on Wednesday! They are leaving the babies alone until then, meaning we will not get an update tomorrow or know what we have until transfer, so I'm praying really hard that our blessings continue.

Patrick couldn't get the day off on Wednesday, so my mom will be going with me instead. She is sooooo excited! She told me the other day, "I can't wait! I'm going to be there when the baby goes in, and I'll be there when it comes out!" I had thought she might be a bit weirded out by the process so to know that she is so excited and happy to get to go with me really made me happy. 

I can't believe it's only two more days until my little ones will be back with me!

Thank you, God, for your blessings. Please continue keeping my embies strong and growing.

Decisions

Day 2

Goal: not to hear from the clinic

Met?: no... 

Mood: okay

Symptoms: tired, achy body (hope I'm not getting sick!)

POAS?: no

Want to?: no

Report: when I talked to the embryologist yesterday he told me that I would not hear from him today as he would be leaving my embies alone until Monday. So you can imagine how my heart stopped when the clinic popped up on my caller ID today.

It was the embryologist and he told me that he had taken a peek at my embies today, after all. Of our 5 embies, 3 are looking perfect and are 4 cells, and two are a bit behind at only 2 cells, but they are all still alive and growing! Then he told me that, since they are from frozen eggs, he wasn't sure how they would fare over the next few days and that, if I wanted, we could transfer the 3 perfect embryos tomorrow or continue as planned and try to grow them to blasts.

I asked him what his recommendation was. He said that he really couldn't give me a recommendation because it could go either way at this point. He did say that transferring tomorrow would be the "aggressive" choice since the embies are all looking really good and by transferring all three I could very well end up pregnant with all three.

In the end, Patrick and I decided to stay the course and wait for Wednesday. I know my embies are strong this time and the thought of a triplet pregnancy terrifies me. I would love three babies, but I know how incredibly high risk a triplet pregnancy is and I don't want to get this far only to put myself and my babies at risk.

Plus, I recently read something from an RE that says whether an embryo is in the lab or back in the uterus it makes no difference in whether or not it will survive. He says that an embryo that doesn't make it in the lab would not have made it in the uterus. Whether that's true or not, it makes sense to me and, no matter what, I know my embies that make it to blast are the strongest ones. I want to be 100% confident that I'm doing what's best for me and my babies. 

This journey is such an emotional one, and there will always be questions of what-if, but I cannot allow my fears and emotions to cloud what I believe is best. Am I worried that nothing will make it? Yes. Am I concerned that my "back-up" blasts won't thaw if I need them? Yes. Am I anxious to have my babies back with me? Absolutely. But those things do not out-weigh the risks of being pregnant with three babies. Worst case for this cycle- we have nothing to transfer and I have to start over. Worst case if I end up pregnant with triplets- complications, bed rest, early labor... And worse things I don't even want to think about.

So when the embryologist called me back for a decision I told him we wanted to wait until Wednesday. 

Now I'm just hoping and praying that I have at least one (I'm praying hard for two) embryos to transfer. I have faith in my embabies. More importantly, I have faith in God. 

Please, God, keep my embryos strong and growing.

Numbers

Day 1

Goal: to have at least 9 eggs thaw, and at least 5 of 9 fertilize

Met?: yes!!

Mood: good

Symptoms: tired, crampy

POAS?: no

Want to?: no

Report: God heard my prayers and gave me what I asked for. Embryologist called to tell me that 9 eggs thawed, 5 of them fertilized, and all are looking really good! We are still set for day 5 transfer and he said to be on the safe side we should expect an 80% loss by then... Meaning we will only have one to transfer... But I'm really hoping for two. We had 62.5% of the fresh embies make it to blast, which would be 3 of 5, though I'm not counting on that many coming from the frozen eggs because they just don't do as well. Patrick and I have decided that if we end up with 3 or less to transfer, we want to transfer everything we have. If we have more than 3, we will transfer 2 and hope to refreeze the others. 

I'm so excited by how well things are going! God is good!

On a side note, Patrick went out with one of his good friends last night and had a few too many drinkies. I didn't feel comfortable having him jab me with a giant needle, so I sent his a$$ to bed and decided to do my PIO shot myself. Eep! 

I wanted to stall- I mean build up my nerves- but it was time and I couldn't wait. So I got my shot ready, swabbed the area, twisted around, and stuck. 

It didn't hurt! And it was easy! And it didn't hurt!! 

I think that by doing it myself, I'm watching, so I know when to expect the prick and I don't jump or tense like when somebody else does it. Patrick is really good at giving me shots, but I still tend to tense at the initial jab.

The best part is, since I didn't tense up, I'm not nearly as sore today as I usually am. I might actually be able to stay on the shots this time! We'll have to see what happens tonight, though, because last night I was turning toward my dominant hand so it was easy to reach, but tonight I'll be turning away so it'll be a bit of a stretch. At least I'll have Patrick as back-up.

Thank you, God, for all Your blessings. Please keep my embryos safe and allow them to stay strong and keep growing.