So after promising myself that I wouldn't get all wound up and crazy with this cycle, I ended up doing just that. Last Tuesday, at 8DPO, I woke up with a very strong sense of optimism. After reading through my regular forums, a hint of my testing craziness kicked in and I nearly ran to the store to get some tests, but I restrained myself. Well, as I was getting ready for my day, I was rummaging through my bathroom cabinet in search of something and stumbled upon an unused pregnancy test. Its a sign! my crazy brain shouted. I wanted to test right away but my logical side (if you can call it logical during the 2WW) reminded me that I was only 8DPO and that I should really wait to test the next day with FMU. Compromise reached.
The next day I was up as soon as my hubby left, peeing on that test stick. I was a bit disappointed when I opened it to find that it was a blue dye test, but I was an addict looking for my fix and anything would work at that point.
I watched as the test developed. Staring at the forming line.
Negative....
...but wait, is that?... a second line? I lean closer, stare harder. There is something... maybe. I know blue dyes are notorious for evap lines and faulty tests. I stand in the bathroom for 10 minutes, turning the test, looking at it from different angles, looking at it close up, from arms length, until I convince myself that this is the start of something. I walk to the guest room, where we get morning sun to see it in better light.
The line disappears in the direct sunlight. :/ What?
Back in the bathroom, the line is back...
Needless to say, I went into full-on, obsessive testing CRAZY!
I immediately ordered 50 tests strips from Wondfo, even though I know there is a bad batch going around... I'll take my chances. I even got the 2-day priority shipping!
On the way home from work, I stopped at the dollar store and picked up two tests to hold me over until my strips came on Friday. I took one as soon as I got home. It was negative.
The next morning I tested with FMU. Again I convinced myself that there were two lines. I told myself that it wasn't my trigger. I told myself it didn't matter that it took a little while to show up. I told myself that it wasn't an evap.
I stared and analyzed those three tests all day. I would take them all out and look at them under different lighting. I would take pictures on my cell-phone to see if I could see anything in the close ups. It was bad.
Friday afternoon my Wondfos showed up... and they are from the bad batch. I took two immediately.... negative. Took another a few hours later... negative.
Saturday morning I took two more with FMU... positive!!! One was a real squinter, but the other one was definitely positive. I wanted to be excited, but knowing that they are part of the bad batch and because the two tests dipped in the same cup came up so differently, I refused to let myself get my hopes up.
Okay, I got my hopes up a little.
I refused to go pee all day at work. I stopped and bought some First Response Early Result tests on the way home. By the time I got home, I felt like my bladder would explode. I didn't want to waste the FRERs so I took three more Wondfo tests... negative. I told myself it was okay, that I would use a FRER with FMU.
Sunday morning I woke up to AF at 13DPO.
I was disappointed, but I had known from the beginning my chances were slim at best this month. I also hadn't put much stock on those positive tests. More than anything I was just happy for the waiting and guessing game to be over.
Yesterday I went back to the RE for my baseline BW/US. The follie on my left ovary is now a nice little 30mm cyst. It is a very good possibility that it didn't even ovulate, which would explain my screwy chart. :/
I told the RE that I really want to be a good bit more aggressive this cycle. He agreed and said that they would start me at 75IU of Follistim instead of 50 and that our goal would be to have 2-3 mature follicles on my right side this time. He told me that he is very worried about me hyper-stimming because I have such an excellent ovarian reserve, but that he wouldn't be so conservative and that they would up my dosage if necessary. As for the cyst, he said that if it wasn't hormonally active, we would start the meds in spite of the cyst since we are trying to get follies on the right side anyways.
Well, B/W came back a bit elevated... E2@ 76.8, Lh@18.2... so the cyst is "slightly active" and the RE wanted me to start birth control instead. But only for a week (hopefully). He wants me to come back on Monday to see what's going on. He said the cyst doesn't have to be gone, just smaller and my hormones need to be back down to baseline levels.
I'm VERY excited for this cycle!!!! I have a good feeling and I'm really hoping for my Christmas BFP!
I felt very foolish for getting so caught up in my testing frenzy, but I really can't help myself. I'm just going to go with it this time around. Trying to deny myself the outlet of my anxiety just results in an eruption of crazy all at once. Also, Wondfo is acknowledging the bad batch and kindly sending me more tests, so now I will have just shy of a 100 pregnancy tests... I can't resist that type of temptation!! I'll use the bad batch to tests out my trigger and just to feed my addiction until I can reliably test for the real thing.
Fingers crossed for August twins!!! ;)
Please, God, keep me strong this cycle and bless me with a Christmas miracle... or two.
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Two Weeks of Questioning, Over-Analyzing, and Obsessing... Let the Wait Begin!
Well, it seems I am officially in my two-week-wait... the dreaded 2WW! This is the worst part of the cycle for me. With no meds, RE appointments, or scheduled sexy-time to keep me busy, the two weeks of waiting before I can find out if I will get my elusive BFP should be a time for me to take it easy and recoup.
Not so much.
I am obsessive compulsive by nature. Not enough to be labeled OCD, though I definitely have tendencies, but I think most of us do. I also do not drink, I quit smoking four years ago, and I have given up my coffee habit to help with the TTC, so, having no-where to channel my compulsive energy, I can safely say...
*Standing up for dramatic effect* My name is Zui and I am addicted to charting... and everything else involved with TTC.
Every morning I take my temperature around the time my husband gets up. If it looks like I am expecting it to, I go back to bed. If it does not, I take it one more time (as I sometimes fall asleep while taking it and breathe through my mouth) before going back to sleep, and then again when I wake up an hour or so later.
If I have accepted my first temp, I will get up and enter it on FertilityFriend, along with all my symptoms/specific signs. Since it is still early, I play the "what do I think I am going to feel today" game, where I guess my symptoms based on twinges I feel within the first half hour of getting up. If I have not accepted my first temp, I now have a bit of a problem as I have three temperatures and only a spot for one. The first two are usually pretty close and the third is way different so now I play the "which one looks like it fits" game. The temp that I accept will depend on which side of me is dominant that day- if I am in a visually perfectionist mood, the one that looks best is going in, if I am in a logically perfectionist mood, the first temp I took will go in since I know that it is the right one. I do record all the temps and times they were taken in the Notes.
Now begins the fun part. I make my one allowed cup of coffee for the day and sip it while I spend the next 10-30 minutes staring at my chart, looking for possible answers to all the questions my symptoms and temps pose, as if they will rise out of my chart like some crazy magic-eye if I stare long enough. Since, obviously, no answers are forth-coming, I move on to phase two.
FertilityFriend's VIP membership gives you access to all sorts of nifty, obsession-feeding tools. My favorite of which is hands down the Pregnancy Monitor. This little addition has percentages... possible answers!! It tells you how often the symptoms I have entered/guessed for the day show up on pregnancy charts! So of course I now have to check and uncheck symptoms to see what I should be feeling to make it more likely that I'm pregnant.
Once that's done, I'm sometimes left with an odd symptom or occurrence that is on my chart but "unexplained" by the tools below my chart. When this happens, I move to phase three- searching the Chart Gallery for similar occurrences. This happens more once I get later in my wait, when the symptoms could actually be a sign of pregnancy. I need to know that what my body is doing is normal and that it doesn't mean my cycle is a bust.
Finally, it is time for breakfast and blogging! Well, usually its breakfast and forums but the other way sounds better. I log on to my frequented forums, check the threads that I usually haunt for updates, search for threads about any nagging questions that FF couldn't answer (there's usually a lot), then begin my postings. This is part of my day that helps me the most. The women on those forums are always amazing and there is something so bonding and healing about sharing with someone who understands what you are going through. I truly have become invested in what happens in their journeys. It is amazing that you begin to care so much about someone you have never met.
After my emotional pick-me-up, I go about my day. On days I work, if I have time once I get to the salon, I'll check in on my chart (like that magic-eye is going to appear in the different lighting of the salon), check in on the forums, and then begins the google searches. Every weird twinge or symptom, every temp dip, and every possible scenario that could come of something I'm feeling. I know most of the answers, I have been doing this for a long time, but I look it up anyways. My addiction must be fed. Usually the day does not allow too much time for obsessing.
Once I get home its more of the same. I see how many of symptoms I guessed correctly, removing or adding ones I missed. Then its a check-in with the forums, which I will continue to do sporadically for the rest of the evening.
As I get closer to my test day another items is added to my list of obsessions. Because I have forbidden myself from buying and taking any HPTs, I have to satisfy my testing urge in another way. Again FF is my dealer with their test results/photos gallery being my drug of choice. If I am feeling particularly hopeful, the ultrasounds gallery is an added bonus.
The hardest thing is not knowing. The wondering if the symptoms I'm feeling is a side effect of the progesterone I'm on, or a pregnancy symptom. Questioning if the dip in temperature on 8DPO is because of implantation, or if I slept with my mouth open. Am I dizzy because I'm hungry or because its a pregnancy sign? Are my boobs bigger? Are my nipples darker? Did you smell that too? Am I nauseous or is it in my head? Are those period cramps? Does my tummy look bloated?
So many questions!!
I have told myself that I will not stress over this cycle because I ovulated from the wrong side and my chances of actually getting pregnant this cycle are so low, but I know I will obsess. I can't help myself. True, I have already written this cycle off as a bust, but what else am I suppose to do for the two weeks I wait for AF? I think my crazy obsession keeps me sane.
I think we all need to act a little crazy to stay sane sometimes.
Please, God, give me strength to face the next two weeks... and please let this work.
Not so much.
I am obsessive compulsive by nature. Not enough to be labeled OCD, though I definitely have tendencies, but I think most of us do. I also do not drink, I quit smoking four years ago, and I have given up my coffee habit to help with the TTC, so, having no-where to channel my compulsive energy, I can safely say...
*Standing up for dramatic effect* My name is Zui and I am addicted to charting... and everything else involved with TTC.
Every morning I take my temperature around the time my husband gets up. If it looks like I am expecting it to, I go back to bed. If it does not, I take it one more time (as I sometimes fall asleep while taking it and breathe through my mouth) before going back to sleep, and then again when I wake up an hour or so later.
If I have accepted my first temp, I will get up and enter it on FertilityFriend, along with all my symptoms/specific signs. Since it is still early, I play the "what do I think I am going to feel today" game, where I guess my symptoms based on twinges I feel within the first half hour of getting up. If I have not accepted my first temp, I now have a bit of a problem as I have three temperatures and only a spot for one. The first two are usually pretty close and the third is way different so now I play the "which one looks like it fits" game. The temp that I accept will depend on which side of me is dominant that day- if I am in a visually perfectionist mood, the one that looks best is going in, if I am in a logically perfectionist mood, the first temp I took will go in since I know that it is the right one. I do record all the temps and times they were taken in the Notes.
Now begins the fun part. I make my one allowed cup of coffee for the day and sip it while I spend the next 10-30 minutes staring at my chart, looking for possible answers to all the questions my symptoms and temps pose, as if they will rise out of my chart like some crazy magic-eye if I stare long enough. Since, obviously, no answers are forth-coming, I move on to phase two.
FertilityFriend's VIP membership gives you access to all sorts of nifty, obsession-feeding tools. My favorite of which is hands down the Pregnancy Monitor. This little addition has percentages... possible answers!! It tells you how often the symptoms I have entered/guessed for the day show up on pregnancy charts! So of course I now have to check and uncheck symptoms to see what I should be feeling to make it more likely that I'm pregnant.
Once that's done, I'm sometimes left with an odd symptom or occurrence that is on my chart but "unexplained" by the tools below my chart. When this happens, I move to phase three- searching the Chart Gallery for similar occurrences. This happens more once I get later in my wait, when the symptoms could actually be a sign of pregnancy. I need to know that what my body is doing is normal and that it doesn't mean my cycle is a bust.
Finally, it is time for breakfast and blogging! Well, usually its breakfast and forums but the other way sounds better. I log on to my frequented forums, check the threads that I usually haunt for updates, search for threads about any nagging questions that FF couldn't answer (there's usually a lot), then begin my postings. This is part of my day that helps me the most. The women on those forums are always amazing and there is something so bonding and healing about sharing with someone who understands what you are going through. I truly have become invested in what happens in their journeys. It is amazing that you begin to care so much about someone you have never met.
After my emotional pick-me-up, I go about my day. On days I work, if I have time once I get to the salon, I'll check in on my chart (like that magic-eye is going to appear in the different lighting of the salon), check in on the forums, and then begins the google searches. Every weird twinge or symptom, every temp dip, and every possible scenario that could come of something I'm feeling. I know most of the answers, I have been doing this for a long time, but I look it up anyways. My addiction must be fed. Usually the day does not allow too much time for obsessing.
Once I get home its more of the same. I see how many of symptoms I guessed correctly, removing or adding ones I missed. Then its a check-in with the forums, which I will continue to do sporadically for the rest of the evening.
As I get closer to my test day another items is added to my list of obsessions. Because I have forbidden myself from buying and taking any HPTs, I have to satisfy my testing urge in another way. Again FF is my dealer with their test results/photos gallery being my drug of choice. If I am feeling particularly hopeful, the ultrasounds gallery is an added bonus.
The hardest thing is not knowing. The wondering if the symptoms I'm feeling is a side effect of the progesterone I'm on, or a pregnancy symptom. Questioning if the dip in temperature on 8DPO is because of implantation, or if I slept with my mouth open. Am I dizzy because I'm hungry or because its a pregnancy sign? Are my boobs bigger? Are my nipples darker? Did you smell that too? Am I nauseous or is it in my head? Are those period cramps? Does my tummy look bloated?
So many questions!!
I have told myself that I will not stress over this cycle because I ovulated from the wrong side and my chances of actually getting pregnant this cycle are so low, but I know I will obsess. I can't help myself. True, I have already written this cycle off as a bust, but what else am I suppose to do for the two weeks I wait for AF? I think my crazy obsession keeps me sane.
I think we all need to act a little crazy to stay sane sometimes.
Please, God, give me strength to face the next two weeks... and please let this work.
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Crushed... Wait, I am crushed, right?
I'm in a very weird mood today. I went in this morning for my B/W U/S appointment and Patrick came along to sign consents for this cycle. I was pretty excited as two days ago I had 3-4 follicles on each ovary measuring between 5.3-7.5mm. I have also been feeling pretty... amorous lately, so I figured things were getting close to happening. ;)
Right away the tech said, "Oh, we have some activity in there!" I looked over excitedly, only to have my hopes dashed as I saw my left ovary (the cut tube is still attached and fluid-filled so its pretty recognizable) with a nice, big follicle. She measured it at about 17.5mm and said it looks ready to be triggered. I tried to tell myself that it could just be the part of the tube that wraps around that they always mistake for a cyst, but there was nothing else on that side, all the other follies were gone.
My response was a half-hearted, "Let's hope we have some activity on the right side, too."
She scanned over to the right side as I held my breath, praying.
Nothing.
Not even small ones.
All my pretty little follies went away. And then something strange happened... instead of the crushing disappointment that I would have expected, I felt nothing. Its like I just went numb.
The tech said she was sorry that it looked like this cycle was a bust and that they would talk to the doctor, look at my blood-work, and call me this afternoon with a "plan".
I just nodded as Patrick thanked her and she left.
I think Patrick was expecting me to be upset. I didn't say much as I got dressed and we left. As soon as we were out of the office Patrick started reassuring me that "at least we can try again, we always have next month." He kept it up until we got to the car but I didn't hear most of what he said, I was too... detached. Finally I replied lamely, "I'm just happy I don't have to be stuck with anything for two weeks." But the truth is, I'd happily be stuck, poked, and prodded daily for my entire pregnancy if that's what it took.
I'm still waiting for the sadness to come and it hasn't. I think I've reached a breaking point and, to save my sanity, my emotions have shut down. Today is also the first day that I could look at my pregnant suite-mate at work and not want to gag over how easily it happened for her and how flippant she has been with her pregnancy (she's known for a month and hasn't been to the doctor!). The other day I overheard her talking to someone about the possibility of miscarriage and she told them, "I'm not really worried about it. We got pregnant pretty easily this time so I'm sure we'll have no problem getting pregnant again if something happens." That day I fumed for hours over that statement, today barely a flicker of emotion, gone so fast I can't even name what I felt.
I'm just empty today.
God, please give me the strength to get through this.
Or maybe the emptiness is His way of helping hold me together so I don't crack wide open?
Right away the tech said, "Oh, we have some activity in there!" I looked over excitedly, only to have my hopes dashed as I saw my left ovary (the cut tube is still attached and fluid-filled so its pretty recognizable) with a nice, big follicle. She measured it at about 17.5mm and said it looks ready to be triggered. I tried to tell myself that it could just be the part of the tube that wraps around that they always mistake for a cyst, but there was nothing else on that side, all the other follies were gone.
My response was a half-hearted, "Let's hope we have some activity on the right side, too."
She scanned over to the right side as I held my breath, praying.
Nothing.
Not even small ones.
All my pretty little follies went away. And then something strange happened... instead of the crushing disappointment that I would have expected, I felt nothing. Its like I just went numb.
The tech said she was sorry that it looked like this cycle was a bust and that they would talk to the doctor, look at my blood-work, and call me this afternoon with a "plan".
I just nodded as Patrick thanked her and she left.
I think Patrick was expecting me to be upset. I didn't say much as I got dressed and we left. As soon as we were out of the office Patrick started reassuring me that "at least we can try again, we always have next month." He kept it up until we got to the car but I didn't hear most of what he said, I was too... detached. Finally I replied lamely, "I'm just happy I don't have to be stuck with anything for two weeks." But the truth is, I'd happily be stuck, poked, and prodded daily for my entire pregnancy if that's what it took.
I'm still waiting for the sadness to come and it hasn't. I think I've reached a breaking point and, to save my sanity, my emotions have shut down. Today is also the first day that I could look at my pregnant suite-mate at work and not want to gag over how easily it happened for her and how flippant she has been with her pregnancy (she's known for a month and hasn't been to the doctor!). The other day I overheard her talking to someone about the possibility of miscarriage and she told them, "I'm not really worried about it. We got pregnant pretty easily this time so I'm sure we'll have no problem getting pregnant again if something happens." That day I fumed for hours over that statement, today barely a flicker of emotion, gone so fast I can't even name what I felt.
I'm just empty today.
God, please give me the strength to get through this.
Or maybe the emptiness is His way of helping hold me together so I don't crack wide open?
Monday, October 24, 2011
A Walking Pin-Cushion...
...but a happy one! I went in for my second checkup on the Follistim today. Last Friday I went in for the first and I had 2-3 follicles on my right side, and one on my left, all measuring between 4.5-5.1mm and my E2 had gone up to 65. I figured it was a good start and the doctor must have agreed because he kept my dose at 50IU.
I really wanted to go up. Good start aside, I know from my previous cycles that not all those little follies are going to mature and I want as many as possible... well, no... no more than 5. Actually 4. Even the chance of having 5 babies at once gives me anxiety. But I digress.
I was a little unhappy about staying on the low dose, but I did as I was told.
Today I went back to see what had changed. A lot, apperantly. I now have 3-4 follies on each side! They all measure between 5.3-7.5, with the ones on my left being slightly bigger. My E2 is rising steadily, up to 92, so my Dr. is still going to keep me at the same dose. I feel better about that dose now. Had it been higher, I can only imagine how many follicles I would have produced!... probably too many to continue the cycle had they kept growing.
It just goes to show... just because I have WebMD and read every fertility forum I can find, I'm still NOT a doctor and I need to trust that mine knows what is best for me. Even though I think I know everything, I very obviously don't.
Lesson learned.
I really just hope that my little follicles keep growing and maturing. And that they do it quickly. I'm starting to feel like a pin-cushion. My last two shots bruised, last night's more than the others, and my poor tummy is pretty tender. I feel like I'm collecting puncture wounds and blue spots... and that's not even mentioning my arms! I look like a freakin heroin addict with all the needle marks from my 3X weekly blood draws. I have to go back Wednesday AND Thursday and I'm dreading having to be stuck again. My veins are already so bruised, it hurts when they stick me.
But its all for baby!
Today is also the first day that I'm noticing that my ovaries feel very heavy/full. It feels almost like a period cramp, just in the wrong spot... like a dull ache. I know its a good sign that my follies are growing so I won't mind when it gets worse as they get bigger.
The only other... side effect?... I'm having is that I'm on a bit of a short trigger, but that might be from being on my period, as its gotten better as my flow slowed.
Overall, I've been in a pretty good mood, dotted with some irritability and some very happy moments as I think about being one step closer to getting my positive.
Grow follies, grow!!!!
I really wanted to go up. Good start aside, I know from my previous cycles that not all those little follies are going to mature and I want as many as possible... well, no... no more than 5. Actually 4. Even the chance of having 5 babies at once gives me anxiety. But I digress.
I was a little unhappy about staying on the low dose, but I did as I was told.
Today I went back to see what had changed. A lot, apperantly. I now have 3-4 follies on each side! They all measure between 5.3-7.5, with the ones on my left being slightly bigger. My E2 is rising steadily, up to 92, so my Dr. is still going to keep me at the same dose. I feel better about that dose now. Had it been higher, I can only imagine how many follicles I would have produced!... probably too many to continue the cycle had they kept growing.
It just goes to show... just because I have WebMD and read every fertility forum I can find, I'm still NOT a doctor and I need to trust that mine knows what is best for me. Even though I think I know everything, I very obviously don't.
Lesson learned.
I really just hope that my little follicles keep growing and maturing. And that they do it quickly. I'm starting to feel like a pin-cushion. My last two shots bruised, last night's more than the others, and my poor tummy is pretty tender. I feel like I'm collecting puncture wounds and blue spots... and that's not even mentioning my arms! I look like a freakin heroin addict with all the needle marks from my 3X weekly blood draws. I have to go back Wednesday AND Thursday and I'm dreading having to be stuck again. My veins are already so bruised, it hurts when they stick me.
But its all for baby!
Today is also the first day that I'm noticing that my ovaries feel very heavy/full. It feels almost like a period cramp, just in the wrong spot... like a dull ache. I know its a good sign that my follies are growing so I won't mind when it gets worse as they get bigger.
The only other... side effect?... I'm having is that I'm on a bit of a short trigger, but that might be from being on my period, as its gotten better as my flow slowed.
Overall, I've been in a pretty good mood, dotted with some irritability and some very happy moments as I think about being one step closer to getting my positive.
Grow follies, grow!!!!
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Just a Little Prick
Well, I started my Follistim on Tuesday! I'm actually REALLY excited about this cycle. I know I shouldn't get my hopes up, especially this early, but I'm excited.
Tuesday's B/W came back with my lowest hormone levels ever... my E2 was below 20! The U/S looked great-- though it took them a while of staring at the screen in confusion before I reminded them that the upper portion of my left tube that was cut is still attached to my ovary and is filled with fluid. They only see me at least once a week, you'd think they would remember by now. Oh well.
They told me they would call me with results and that I would probably start my shots in two day. I was a little surprised when they called later and told me to go ahead and start the Follistim at 50IU and come back on Friday. I was also a little disappointed that we would only be starting at 50IU instead of 75 like the nurse had told me they usually start at. I know I'm younger and they don't want to overstimulate my ovaries, but I only have one tube and I do NOT want to waste the time, medicine, or money by not having any/enough follicles on my right side. Yes, yes... it only takes one... but I want to have the best possible chance to get my positive this month! I'm hoping for 3-4 follies on my right side. Since we are only doing timed intercourse and not IUI, my chances of having that many fertilized are low. My doctor told me that I would only have a 5-15% chance of conceiving with the injectables... let's do what we can to improve those odds!
But I'm ranting.
That night, I got my meds out of the fridge and put them on the counter to warm up a bit-- I heard that the cold meds can sting a bit and its best to let them come up to room temp. After dinner, I took the medicine, grabbed my pen, needles, and alcohol swabs, laid it all out by the computer and pulled up the Follistim instruction video on YouTube. I knew what to do, but I wanted to make SURE I did it right. So...
Assembled medicine and pen...
Attach needle...
Swab injection area with alcohol...
Pinch area...
Little prick, barely felt a thing...
And...
Oh crap. I'm holding the pen too close to the middle to get my thumb to the plunger. My other hand is pinching the area and there is a needle in my stomach so there will be no shuffling up the pen. Obviously didn't think this one through too well.
I stood there for a moment, trying to decide if I should just try again, but I really want to keep the number of puncture wounds on my body to a minimum, so I just unpinched and pushed the plunger with the other hand.
After, I cleaned up my makeshift medical area, put the pen in the fridge, and plopped down on the couch. Patrick asked me how it was and I told him fine. I didn't mention my blond moment with the plunger.
The rest of the evening I SWEAR I felt little tinges in my ovary, like the medicine was stimulating it. I really am amazed at the things we can convince ourselves of.
Day 2-
I worked late so I called Patrick on the way home to tell him to take my pen out of the fridge. He was in charge of dinner, but had yet to make anything, which worried me as we are suppose to be eating healthy and at 8pm, if dinner isn't made, we usually pick it up.
Got home to Chinese take-out... grrrrr... but at least he took the pen out like I asked.
This shot went much smoother. Having learned from the previous night, I positioned my hand closer to the top, pinched my belly, little prick, pushed the plunger, and done. Didn't even bleed.
I haven't had any bruising or redness from the shots, but my injection site from last night is a little tender today. Nothing bad, I can just tell I had shot there. I've also not had any side effects yet from the medicine, which I am pretty happy about. Usually, if the drug info lists it, I'm gonna get it, so this is nice.
I have been charting again and my temps, which were up from the birth control, finally started coming down this morning, followed late morning by the beginnings of AF. I took my last birth control pill Sunday night and I skipped Monday night's since I was going to the doctor the next day, so I have been expecting to start any day. I doubt its going to be a long or heavy period since its only been two weeks since my last one, and the nurse that did my U/S said my lining was pretty thin already from the birth control.
Now I'm just keeping my fingers crossed that we continue with the smooth sailing and sail right into a smooth pregnancy! Positive thoughts, right!
And to top it off, we have had some BEAUTIFUL weather in Houston the past few days (besides being a little windy here and there)... so all and all, I'm feeling downright chipper!
Tuesday's B/W came back with my lowest hormone levels ever... my E2 was below 20! The U/S looked great-- though it took them a while of staring at the screen in confusion before I reminded them that the upper portion of my left tube that was cut is still attached to my ovary and is filled with fluid. They only see me at least once a week, you'd think they would remember by now. Oh well.
They told me they would call me with results and that I would probably start my shots in two day. I was a little surprised when they called later and told me to go ahead and start the Follistim at 50IU and come back on Friday. I was also a little disappointed that we would only be starting at 50IU instead of 75 like the nurse had told me they usually start at. I know I'm younger and they don't want to overstimulate my ovaries, but I only have one tube and I do NOT want to waste the time, medicine, or money by not having any/enough follicles on my right side. Yes, yes... it only takes one... but I want to have the best possible chance to get my positive this month! I'm hoping for 3-4 follies on my right side. Since we are only doing timed intercourse and not IUI, my chances of having that many fertilized are low. My doctor told me that I would only have a 5-15% chance of conceiving with the injectables... let's do what we can to improve those odds!
But I'm ranting.
That night, I got my meds out of the fridge and put them on the counter to warm up a bit-- I heard that the cold meds can sting a bit and its best to let them come up to room temp. After dinner, I took the medicine, grabbed my pen, needles, and alcohol swabs, laid it all out by the computer and pulled up the Follistim instruction video on YouTube. I knew what to do, but I wanted to make SURE I did it right. So...
Assembled medicine and pen...
Attach needle...
Swab injection area with alcohol...
Pinch area...
Little prick, barely felt a thing...
And...
Oh crap. I'm holding the pen too close to the middle to get my thumb to the plunger. My other hand is pinching the area and there is a needle in my stomach so there will be no shuffling up the pen. Obviously didn't think this one through too well.
I stood there for a moment, trying to decide if I should just try again, but I really want to keep the number of puncture wounds on my body to a minimum, so I just unpinched and pushed the plunger with the other hand.
After, I cleaned up my makeshift medical area, put the pen in the fridge, and plopped down on the couch. Patrick asked me how it was and I told him fine. I didn't mention my blond moment with the plunger.
The rest of the evening I SWEAR I felt little tinges in my ovary, like the medicine was stimulating it. I really am amazed at the things we can convince ourselves of.
Day 2-
I worked late so I called Patrick on the way home to tell him to take my pen out of the fridge. He was in charge of dinner, but had yet to make anything, which worried me as we are suppose to be eating healthy and at 8pm, if dinner isn't made, we usually pick it up.
Got home to Chinese take-out... grrrrr... but at least he took the pen out like I asked.
This shot went much smoother. Having learned from the previous night, I positioned my hand closer to the top, pinched my belly, little prick, pushed the plunger, and done. Didn't even bleed.
I haven't had any bruising or redness from the shots, but my injection site from last night is a little tender today. Nothing bad, I can just tell I had shot there. I've also not had any side effects yet from the medicine, which I am pretty happy about. Usually, if the drug info lists it, I'm gonna get it, so this is nice.
I have been charting again and my temps, which were up from the birth control, finally started coming down this morning, followed late morning by the beginnings of AF. I took my last birth control pill Sunday night and I skipped Monday night's since I was going to the doctor the next day, so I have been expecting to start any day. I doubt its going to be a long or heavy period since its only been two weeks since my last one, and the nurse that did my U/S said my lining was pretty thin already from the birth control.
Now I'm just keeping my fingers crossed that we continue with the smooth sailing and sail right into a smooth pregnancy! Positive thoughts, right!
And to top it off, we have had some BEAUTIFUL weather in Houston the past few days (besides being a little windy here and there)... so all and all, I'm feeling downright chipper!
Sunday, October 16, 2011
This Ride Isn't Fun Anymore... I Think I Want Off
My last cycle reminds me of an M. Night Shyamalan movie... too many twists to result in anything good. After barely eeking in a BD (baby dance for those new to the TTC lingo) before I ovulated, I felt confident that we at least had a CHANCE to conceive that cycle. That chance flew out the window when 6DPO my temperature dropped... scratch that, plummeted, to the lowest number my chart has seen in two years.
My average pre-O temps range from 97.2-97.5ish, tending to pop up to 97.7-97.8 on O day, and creep up over the next few days to even out at the 98.2-98.5 range.
On 6DPO, my waking temperature was 97.05... and I was bleeding. Not enough so actually be AF, but more than spotting. Of course, my mind was desperately trying to hold on to hope of still getting preggo, so I tried to tell myself it might just be implantation... but I knew better. Stress had gotten the better of me and undoubtably sabotaged my cycle.
The 97.26 degree temp the next morning pretty much confirmed it, and I called in to the Dr.'s office to report my new cycle. My flow was strange, fluctuating between a light flow to slight spotting. I expected my hormones to be screwy on my BW/US the next morning.
Day 3 my temp was back down to 97.07, AF hadn't increased but hadn't stopped, so I headed to the office to see what my crazy body was up to. We had decided to do a cycle injectables this round, which I was very excited about, but the cost has me stressed and I definitely didn't want to spend that much money unless my cycle was ideal!
The girl at the desk asked me if we would be starting treatment that day. I laughingly told her that I had no friggin clue because my cycle wasn't suppose to be due for another week and I had no idea what my body was up to. Well, she must have mentioned this to the Dr. because after my blood was taken, instead of a nurse coming in to do my ultrasound, the doctor came in with an intern (I guess that's the right term) to see what's happening.
Long story, shorter: the follicle that released was still trying to be active, still visible on US, but my lining and blood work was back to normal day 3 levels. So I have been on two weeks of birth control pills (ARGH!) and going back on Tuesday to *fingers crossed* get rolling again.
I just don't know how much more of this I can take. I try really hard to be optimistic, but this is taking a toll on me. My body doesn't feel like its under my control anymore. I snap from being happy to sad to angry to excited to bitter and every emotion in between. Back in the day, if a woman couldn't get pregnant they called her "barren", and that is exactly how I have begun to feel... barren. This time that is suppose to be fun and a bonding experience for Patrick and I has turned into a roller coaster from hell and I think I'm reaching a point where I need to get off the ride. I am not this angry, bitter person. I'm usually the happy one!
I need to get back to that.
Hopefully Tuesday will bring a new outlook.
My average pre-O temps range from 97.2-97.5ish, tending to pop up to 97.7-97.8 on O day, and creep up over the next few days to even out at the 98.2-98.5 range.
On 6DPO, my waking temperature was 97.05... and I was bleeding. Not enough so actually be AF, but more than spotting. Of course, my mind was desperately trying to hold on to hope of still getting preggo, so I tried to tell myself it might just be implantation... but I knew better. Stress had gotten the better of me and undoubtably sabotaged my cycle.
The 97.26 degree temp the next morning pretty much confirmed it, and I called in to the Dr.'s office to report my new cycle. My flow was strange, fluctuating between a light flow to slight spotting. I expected my hormones to be screwy on my BW/US the next morning.
Day 3 my temp was back down to 97.07, AF hadn't increased but hadn't stopped, so I headed to the office to see what my crazy body was up to. We had decided to do a cycle injectables this round, which I was very excited about, but the cost has me stressed and I definitely didn't want to spend that much money unless my cycle was ideal!
The girl at the desk asked me if we would be starting treatment that day. I laughingly told her that I had no friggin clue because my cycle wasn't suppose to be due for another week and I had no idea what my body was up to. Well, she must have mentioned this to the Dr. because after my blood was taken, instead of a nurse coming in to do my ultrasound, the doctor came in with an intern (I guess that's the right term) to see what's happening.
Long story, shorter: the follicle that released was still trying to be active, still visible on US, but my lining and blood work was back to normal day 3 levels. So I have been on two weeks of birth control pills (ARGH!) and going back on Tuesday to *fingers crossed* get rolling again.
I just don't know how much more of this I can take. I try really hard to be optimistic, but this is taking a toll on me. My body doesn't feel like its under my control anymore. I snap from being happy to sad to angry to excited to bitter and every emotion in between. Back in the day, if a woman couldn't get pregnant they called her "barren", and that is exactly how I have begun to feel... barren. This time that is suppose to be fun and a bonding experience for Patrick and I has turned into a roller coaster from hell and I think I'm reaching a point where I need to get off the ride. I am not this angry, bitter person. I'm usually the happy one!
I need to get back to that.
Hopefully Tuesday will bring a new outlook.
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Yes?...No...Maybe?...No...Maybe!
This cycle has been... unpredictable. I wasn't expecting much in the beginning. After all, I had ovulated from my right side last cycle so, chances were, I would probably ovulate from my left side this time.
I went in for my day 3 baseline BW/US and my E2 was the lowest its ever been- 34.
Went back on day 13 after taking Femara days 3-7 and there was nothing. My E2 was 69 and both ovaries were totally quiet.
Three days later, on Monday... nothing. E2 up to 104.
Wednesday... 3 small follicles on my right!!! E2= 101. Down some... ???
Friday... one 12.7 mm on right. E2 down to 96
Monday... 15mm on right. E2= 153 YAY!! Getting there!
Wednesday... 18mm on right, trigger time! E2 down to 99.7 WTF?!
Well, when I first saw those three follicles on my right ovary is was really excited. Then, when only one went on to grow I was a little disappointed but one is better than none! I figured the slight dip in my E2 level was from two follicles shrinking, even though I couldn't explain the decrease from Monday when I had no follicles to Wednesday when I had three. Oh well... the doctor wasn't concerned so it was probably no big deal, right?
I really hoped that I would be ready to trigger on Monday. Patrick had sinus surgery scheduled for Wednesday and I knew there would be no sexy-time for a few days after surgery. He is, after all, a whiny man when sick (or as he says... siiiiiiiiiiick!)
So of course, in line with my baby-making luck, I wasn't ready on Monday and had to go back Wednesday... but at least my E2 was up.
Now I was hoping I WOULDN'T be ready yet so Patrick would have a couple days to recover before I made demands of his body. ;) Again, no such luck. I took Patrick in for his surgery, waited until they took him back, then booked it over to the clinic for my BW/US. But there it was... a beautiful 18mm follicle, ready to be triggered. The nurse said that I might be able to wait until the next night before my trigger, giving Patrick another night to recover. I hoped I'd be able to wait.
They called me later and said that the doctor wanted me to trigger that night and have intercourse the next two days. As I looked at my husband's bandaged, bloody nose, slightly bruised eyes, and pasty complexion, I knew that was not going to happen. The nurse didn't mention my E2, but when I checked my online lab results I was shocked to see that my level was down to 99.7! How?! Why?!
Of course I panicked. What if the follicle wasn't mature? What if there was no egg in it? What if it was abnormal? It wasn't until some searching on the internet (thank you forums!) that I found out that Femara will cause low E2 levels even with mature follicles. Now, I knew that Femara lowers estrogen levels, but I thought it was only in the beginning of the cycle, especially as the medicine is suppose to be out of the system in about 9 days. Oh well, lesson learned.
Anyways... I didn't trigger that night. I refused to waste the Ovidrel on a missed cycle. This way I could have it for my injectable cycle that was looking more and more like it was definitely going to happen. Patrick was MISERABLE after his surgery. Every night he fell asleep on the couch, propped up against the pillows to keep his head elevated, I would go to bed alone, anticipating a thermal shift in the morning. My cycle that I had thought futile had turned in my favor, only to have circumstance stand in my way.
But my shift didn't come Friday or Saturday like I was expecting. In fact, by Sunday morning my temperature had gone down a bit. Sunday night I tried to initiate some baby-making but my poor hubby was still in too much pain. Monday morning I was afraid to look at the thermometer, only to be shocked that my BBT had gone down some more. And what do you know, Patrick felt better that night!
I got my thermal shift this morning. Looks like we might actually have a shot at getting that positive this month! :D
I went in for my day 3 baseline BW/US and my E2 was the lowest its ever been- 34.
Went back on day 13 after taking Femara days 3-7 and there was nothing. My E2 was 69 and both ovaries were totally quiet.
Three days later, on Monday... nothing. E2 up to 104.
Wednesday... 3 small follicles on my right!!! E2= 101. Down some... ???
Friday... one 12.7 mm on right. E2 down to 96
Monday... 15mm on right. E2= 153 YAY!! Getting there!
Wednesday... 18mm on right, trigger time! E2 down to 99.7 WTF?!
Well, when I first saw those three follicles on my right ovary is was really excited. Then, when only one went on to grow I was a little disappointed but one is better than none! I figured the slight dip in my E2 level was from two follicles shrinking, even though I couldn't explain the decrease from Monday when I had no follicles to Wednesday when I had three. Oh well... the doctor wasn't concerned so it was probably no big deal, right?
I really hoped that I would be ready to trigger on Monday. Patrick had sinus surgery scheduled for Wednesday and I knew there would be no sexy-time for a few days after surgery. He is, after all, a whiny man when sick (or as he says... siiiiiiiiiiick!)
So of course, in line with my baby-making luck, I wasn't ready on Monday and had to go back Wednesday... but at least my E2 was up.
Now I was hoping I WOULDN'T be ready yet so Patrick would have a couple days to recover before I made demands of his body. ;) Again, no such luck. I took Patrick in for his surgery, waited until they took him back, then booked it over to the clinic for my BW/US. But there it was... a beautiful 18mm follicle, ready to be triggered. The nurse said that I might be able to wait until the next night before my trigger, giving Patrick another night to recover. I hoped I'd be able to wait.
They called me later and said that the doctor wanted me to trigger that night and have intercourse the next two days. As I looked at my husband's bandaged, bloody nose, slightly bruised eyes, and pasty complexion, I knew that was not going to happen. The nurse didn't mention my E2, but when I checked my online lab results I was shocked to see that my level was down to 99.7! How?! Why?!
Of course I panicked. What if the follicle wasn't mature? What if there was no egg in it? What if it was abnormal? It wasn't until some searching on the internet (thank you forums!) that I found out that Femara will cause low E2 levels even with mature follicles. Now, I knew that Femara lowers estrogen levels, but I thought it was only in the beginning of the cycle, especially as the medicine is suppose to be out of the system in about 9 days. Oh well, lesson learned.
Anyways... I didn't trigger that night. I refused to waste the Ovidrel on a missed cycle. This way I could have it for my injectable cycle that was looking more and more like it was definitely going to happen. Patrick was MISERABLE after his surgery. Every night he fell asleep on the couch, propped up against the pillows to keep his head elevated, I would go to bed alone, anticipating a thermal shift in the morning. My cycle that I had thought futile had turned in my favor, only to have circumstance stand in my way.
But my shift didn't come Friday or Saturday like I was expecting. In fact, by Sunday morning my temperature had gone down a bit. Sunday night I tried to initiate some baby-making but my poor hubby was still in too much pain. Monday morning I was afraid to look at the thermometer, only to be shocked that my BBT had gone down some more. And what do you know, Patrick felt better that night!
I got my thermal shift this morning. Looks like we might actually have a shot at getting that positive this month! :D
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